The Best

I've had a few very meaningful conversations recently with a dear friend of mine and my mom. We've been discussing the trend that appears to surround raising kids recently in which it is considered okay to constantly compare, judge and criticize the behavior and development of other people's children. Let me preface by saying that I am including myself in this behavior and I am just as guilty as any other parent.

We've had a few episodes recently in which my daughter has not behaved well. One day when I was picking them up for the rec center, I had to stop to ask for Sheldon's jacket and in that time, she literally made it all the way out the door. When I got to the door with Sheldon, a lady was bringing her back inside looking at me with the most disgusted impression on her face and she said, "Yup, she made it ALL the way out the door." A few other mothers were all glaring through me, looking at me as if I was the worst mother in the world. I dealt with the situation in the best manner I knew. I knelt down and talked to Coranelle quietly and sternly talking about why she couldn't run out without me and that it is my job to protect her and keep her safe and I cannot do that if she is that far ahead of me. We left and I just felt so small. I kept thinking about how grateful I was that none of my mommy friends were there to see that incident.

In retrospect, I look back on the incident and think, okay, it's really not that big of a deal. Yes, it needed to be dealt with and we learned something from it. But, come on.... do you really think she is the only toddler ever in history to escape out the door without a parent? No. All those glares and judgments.... are you telling me your kids never pulled something like that? If not, that's awesome., but it's not the norm. I've experienced similar comments and looks while dealing with tantrums at the grocery store. I think peoples' memories are failing them because I am almost positive that tantrums are part of the toddler years. They call them the terrible twos for a reason, yes?

After venting about these incidents to a friend, she was talking to me about similar experiences with her child. Her child's incidents of impulsivity or occasional bad behavior has her not wanting to let her kid play outside with neighbor kids because she feels as if the neighbors are just waiting for her kid to do something wrong. Then other moms are talking about her kid later and discussing any bad behavior, making judgments.

It makes you self conscious of your parenting. It makes you nervous to take your kids out in public. These judgments seem to go hand in hand with the constant comparisons between kids. Here are some of the things we are guilty of comparing:
How your child sleeps through the night, how s/he nurses, when they roll/ crawl/ walk, how much they weigh, when they get their first teeth, how fast they go to sleep at night, how they nap, how they experience stranger anxiety, how they are in public places, how many words they can say, if they're a good eater if they know their letters/numbers/colors/shapes, which preschool they're going to, when they ride a bike..... and it goes on and on and on. When our kid doesn't reach a milestone when someone else's kid does, we are suddenly blaming our parenting. It's as if we have failed if our kid isn't sleeping through the night as soon as another child.

Why are we constantly comparing our kids development and behavior to others? Why can't we celebrate their differences and uniqueness and realize that they will each have something different to offer as they grow up? What I am really working on is trying to look for the good in each of my kids. I want other people to do the same. I want them to seek out things to praise about their own kids and other peoples' kids instead of the constant comparison and looking for things to criticize about kids. Every day I am trying to seek out the positive things that my kids have done or ways they have acted instead of dwelling on the tantrums or bad behavior. Will you join me?