The ups and downs

Parenting seems to be full of ups and downs. Or maybe, I am just an emotional new mom and so it seems that way. Last night, Coranelle went to her first restaurant for dinner with us as we met the family to celebrate Rebecca's birthday. We had been very hesitant to take her to a restaurant because of her frequent evening meltdowns. Knowing that wouldn't be fun for anyone in the family, or anyone else in the restaurant, we hadn't attempted it. But, Coranelle shocked us all and did fantastic. I took her out of the carseat while we were ordering and waiting for the food. She was squirmy and happy. When she started getting fussy, I tucked her into her carseat with the pacifier and she sat happily watching all the comotion. She actually fell asleep! So, Ryan and I got to enjoy our dinners and talking to the family. A definite up!
But, earlier in the day, I had been at a baby shower for a neighbor. Ryan got Coranelle up from her nap and attempted to feed her a bottle. Goodness! Coranelle thought she would rather chew on the nipple than suck. So, he tried a cup, a sippy cup and mixing it with rice cereal. When I came home, the efforts were still going on. I took over and tried the bottle. No luck. After an hour of trying to give her the bottle, both of us were angry and frustrated and gave up. I refused to simply nurse her, so I just waited for an hour. That was a down. Why would a bottle be so difficult. While at the baby shower, I watched the father of a 3 month old feed his son a bottle while walking around and talking to guests. Why is this so hard for Coranelle? What did I do wrong here?
I was also asking myself that question Saturday night at church. We haven't even attempted the nursery for a while because there are so many babies and not enough volunteers. Plus, we were weary of getting called out of the service. So, we have been sitting with Coranelle in the cry room. This weekend, there were 6 other babies in the cry room with us. They were all girls, ranging in age from 10 days to 10 months. All of them sat happily through the service or slept. Not my baby. Ryan had to take her out of the cry room and walk around with her in the lobby while she fought sleep. So, I sat by myself through church- which made me really sad. I can't help but wonder why Coranelle has such a hard time relaxing, while all these other babies have no problem. It is very hard to not blame myself and spend time awake at night wondering what I am doing wrong.
We were also told this weekend that Coranelle was not invited to the ceremony of a wedding we will be attending. I understand the desire to not have a crying baby during a ceremony, I do. Yet, it is difficult for me to not feel offended. I have to keep my "mamma bear claws" in check in these situations. I tend to feel that a rejection of Coranelle is a rejection of me and I get offended. I realize that I am being dramatic and this situation is not that big of a deal. Mom and Steve have offered to keep Coranelle during the ceremony and we'll go pick her up and feed her before heading back to the reception. All will work out fine, but I have be more rational and not be upset that someone does not want my baby around on their special day.
At the shower on Sunday, other friends of this expectant mom were asking me about being a new mom. It is so hard to explain this experience and all of the ups and downs. I look back and vividly remember all of the times this summer that I sat on the front steps, crying because Coranelle was screaming and we couldn't calm her down. I remember walking her up and down the path near our house, trying to get her to sleep. I can picture Ryan walking in after a day at work and me telling him I had just put her down for a nap. "How long did it take you to get her down?" He'd ask. "All day", I'd respond as I collapsed on the couch. Only to hear her scream half an hour later. I remember when the lactation consultant told me she had reflux and the horror I felt for not realizing my baby was in pain. The desperation and exhaustion of trying to shout over her screams while at the doctor's office. How do you describe these things? What can prepare you for feeling so utterly clueless and inadequate?
Further, how do you describe the way your heart jumps when you see that first smile? I remember the joy in hearing her laugh at me the first time. How do you describe the way your heart swells when you lift her out of her crib after a nap and she nuzzles against your neck. How about that wonderful feeling when she grabs your fingers and holds tight. I love watching her roll over and grow up and develop. It is so fun to see her grasping for her books and playing with her toys. I get so excited to see her lean towards that spoon and gulp down her carrots and banana. I cannot imagine our house and family without our touchy and spirited child. I would hate a morning that didn't include her little talking and jabbering in her crib and being greeted with a huge grin when I un-swaddle her peanut of a body.
I guess each day is filled with ups and downs. I sigh with frustration when she melts down again in the evening, so tired but so stubborn to fight sleep. Our blood pressure goes through the roof as she rejects the bottle again and again. Yet, our hearts melt when she cuddles up against us and squeals with delight. I suppose you just cannot understand what it's like until you have your own. And your heart feels so much bigger and fuller, but can so easily break when the little ones are not happy.
We'll see what this week brings in my roller coaster of a life. Coranelle started sounding a big congested last night. I can hear flem in her cough. Hopefully, she can fight off this cold quickly. She's saying hello to all of you right now. She is sitting her next to me, playing with her toy and watching me type. I hope you all had splendid weekends!