The power of friends

This past week was a rough one. I was utterly and completely frustrated with my own body and my inability to do something that should be so natural and basic. I've been having trouble nursing Sheldon and it has taken its toll on me, my sanity and our family.

The issue is hard to explain to men and to those who haven't nursed. Basically, I have the milk (I'm pretty sure), but it won't "let down". My body is not telling my mind to release the milk for Sheldon. So, Sheldon sucks and sucks and gets very mad and fussy because it's taking too long for his meal to arrive. The longer it takes and the more he cries, the more stressed out I get- which makes the situation worse. You see, one needs to be relaxed and calm in order to let down their milk, so we have arrived at a sort of catch 22. At this point, I go into each feeding (6 times a day), wondering if we will be successful, or it I'll have to warm up a bottle of my quickly dwindling supply of breast milk. I am trying all sorts of things to help- nursing in a quiet dark room (when I can), pumping on one side while nursing on the other so there is continued stimulation even though Sheldon keeps popping off, fenugreen, mother's milk tea, relaxation methods, etc. The pumping seems to be the most successful thing, but I am not sure how I will manage to nurse Sheldon anywhere but at home, if this continues.

All the energy and work it is taking to nurse, pump, wash pumps and bottles, keep Coranelle entertained during the whole charade- is really taking its toll. I just want to be able to feed my baby. The entire situation had created quite a bit of anxiety, and feeling THIS anxious is new to me. Sometimes I find it hard to catch my breath, sleep well, and cannot fully calm myself down. I start worrying about how much milk Sheldon is getting, if I'll have to stop nursing, if he'll take formula, how little Coranelle eats, how poorly she's sleeping, her bad behavior in the evening when Ryan is home, all of the chores left un-done... etc. These worries seem to be snowballing into things like- will Coranelle and I have a good relationship when she's a teenager, will she have nice friends?, will I find a good preschool for her?, how will I find a job when I'm ready to go back to work?, will my kids marry nice people?, etc. Reading back over this list, I can honestly say, it doesn't make any sense to be fretting about all of this. It's irrational really. What can I do about any of that right now? I know, but I am just being honest in how my mind is behaving these days.

Anyhow, on Wednesday morning, I sent out an e-mail to a handful of good friends asking for nursing advice and prayers. I was completely blown away by the responses from my friends. Each and every one of them wrote back, visited, brought gifts, called or offered to help in some way. Immediately, I was surrounded by support, encouragement, kind words, suggestions, and overwhelming generosity. Friends shared their own stories about nursing and anxiety and helped me not to feel alone. I was completely amazed at how wonderful my friends are- many of them only knowing me for 10 months. As I read and listened to their own stories, it really struck me how strong mothers are. How many trials they have muddled through with a smile on their face. I SO appreciated their honesty and the pouring out of their hearts to me.

Though our nursing struggle has not gone away, my friends have brought me through the worst of it. I cannot fully express my gratitude. This trial has really taught me- not the solutions to nursing problems, but how incredibly lucky I am to be surrounded by such a great community of girlfriends.