approval

First of all, thank you for the outpouring of support, encouragement and kind comments in response to my last post. I am so thankful to know all of you!

I have been meaning to post again for the last few weeks, but summer has hit full force and, I just keep putting it off. We dove deep into vacations, summer camp, dance class, swimming pools, the Bay, play dates, summer reading programs, gardening, bike riding, and training for the hardest race/challenge I've ever done (The Tough Mudder- look it up if you want, but don't judge us http://toughmudder.com/events/colorado-sat-jun-15-sun-jun-16-2013/). The heat and busyness on top of 4 books that I'm currently reading hasn't left much time for blogging.

I wanted to continue blogging about some of the things I have been learning. I just started two new books that I'll recommend here. The first is by a wonderful author, Jen Hatmaker. It's called "Out of the Spin Cycle- Devotions to Lighten your Mother Load". If you are a mother of younger kids, you should read it. She said this in the section I read today, "When we operate from the central concern of being seen a certain way, we can't develop healthy relationships in the messy soil of reality- the only place they'll grow. Presenting a perfect, fake life to others generates fear in our own hearts and intimidation in everyone else's, and creates nice fake relationships- with our friends, with our family members and even with our own children.... Can we admit our failures and stop worrying about what someone might think? Can we allow others to be the same people on the outside that they are on the inside? Can we live real lives in front of each other, imperfect in our humanity but reclaimed through Jesus?"
This is reiterating some of what I've advocated for here in my previous posts, but it also highlights another key component that I am struggling with and have for as long as I can remember-  seeking approval. 

As one might say in an AA meeting, "Hi, my name is Kari and I have an approval addiction". You're probably wondering, Is that a thing? That's what I asked too. It is a thing. And the more I read about it, the more I know that it is a true issue that I have struggled with for a long time. As Joyce Meyer says, "Many people seek the approval of others to try to overcome their feelings of rejection and low self-esteem. They suffer from those feelings and use the addiction to approval to try to remove the pain. They are miserable if anyone seems not to approve of them in any way or for any reason and they are anxious about the disapproval until they feel they are once again accepted. They may do almost anything to gain the approval they feel they have lost..." Approval Addictions.  So, that sums up a huge part of my life. And here's the key- I am slowly learning that God's approval will be all I need.

With that being said, there are wildfires raging in Colorado again. (Yes, there is a tie between these two very different topics- I'll get there). It is eerie to me how similar it feels to last year, at this exact same time. The haze and smoke and news reports bring me back to a year ago right now. I have vivid memories of trying to survive through soccer camp in 100 degree temps and suffocating smoke, with a scared 3 year old who wasn't ready to do soccer camp. As I was reflecting back on the last year today, a few thoughts ran through my head. As I was ruminating, the loudest thought was, "Please no- not a repeat of last year. Not just the fires, but the whole last 12 months.  That was scary and hard and challenging and sad and revealing and raw and I don't want a repeat. I can't do it again." It has been a hard year in many ways. But, as I thought about it more, I thought about all the things that the hard has brought; some really deep, wonderful relationships with new and existing friends. It has brought me so much closer to Ryan and made our marriage stronger and amazingly beautiful in many ways. It has taught me a lot about myself and directed me into a better way of living. The hard has refined me into a better mom- one who loves with more patience and mercy, with more prayer, compassion, less judgment and more laughter (on most days- give me a break, I'm still human). This past year has taught me immeasurable amounts about love and grace. It strengthened my faith and my need for God. And now, I'm learning how to lean and depend less on others' approval and live confidently in the freedom that I am enough.  That might seem like a simple concept to you- living like I am enough. But, it has not been simple for me to learn. It took some breaking and some undoing and I haven't arrived yet- so to speak.

I refined my thinking today. Maybe this next year will be hard too, probably not in the same ways. Afterall, the only constant thing in this world, aside from God, is change.  But if the next 12 months are scary and hard and challenging and sad and revealing and raw, I can just pray that God uses them for as much good as He has the last 12 months. I know that God will continue to bless me with life and peace. I know that the last year broke me, but God used it to draw me closer to him and that intimacy was well worth all the hard things.

On that note, if you're praying people, pray for the fires here in CO and the evacuated people and all those working to fight the fires and keep people safe.

Thanks again for taking this journey with me!