Lumps of Coal Part II- Vulnerability

Brene Brown refers to Theodore Roosevelt's speech "Citizens in a Republic":

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again.

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause;

Who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. 

I recommend Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown to everyone. I also recommend we all try to dare greatly in our own lives. How? You ask. Brown says it is vulnerability- "Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it's understanding the necessity of both; it's engaging. It's being all in."

I was having a conversation with a dear friend the other day. She was processing through a hard situation taking place between her husband and herself and discussing her estranged relationship with her father. Part way into the conversation, she stopped herself. She was afraid that because she was sharing so openly about her situations, that I might judge her husband, their marriage, or her. That struck me. How often am I afraid to be really real, to "be all in", with people because I'm afraid of what they might think of me, my family, my decisions, etc? But when we aren't vulnerable, how can we transform the ways we live, love, parent, lead and connect with others? I want to be the woman who walks into the arena, willing to engage and to risk, rather than sitting on the side judging and giving advice. Brown says, "We must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen. This is vulnerability. This is daring greatly."

Showing up like that makes me open to getting hurt, being disappointed, and my own personal, greatest fear; rejection. That could be messy, uncomfortable and uncertain. What if we could all show up like that? What if we could be real and honest? Would that lessen some of the need to compare our lives, homes, marriages, children, and health to others'?

In the past month or so, I have been able to open up and be more honest and vulnerable. Let me tell you, folks, it may be HARD, but there are some major perks! I have deepened some of my friendships to levels I never thought possible. After my "Lumps of Coal" post, I started e-mailing with someone who has been a part of my life for about 12 years now, that I didn't know very well. My vulnerability seemed to open up a new door of communication and I feel so grateful to be able to share some of my "stuff" with her and hear more about her own "lumps" and how they have shaped and changed her. We are finding more common ground than I realized was there, and we can offer each other support and concern in a new way. It's really exciting and I'm thankful for this opportunity.

Another place that I have learned the power of this vulnerability and connectedness is a place called SHIFT. Wow, I'm a bit nervous even writing about this in a public place. Okay, "a bit nervous" doesn't adequately describe my nerves. I have had this post written for a week and am still not sure if I can hit the "publish" button. Maybe my daring to do this will pave the way for someone else out there to start on a similar journey.

Here it goes! SHIFT is a 12 step recovery group through my church.
http://www.flatironschurch.com/shift/
If your curious, go to the website above because I can't describe this program perfectly. I liken it to AA, but it is recovery for many different issues and situations. My issue (or shall I be really honest and say ONE of my issues) is codependency. If you're like I was a few months ago, you may not even know what that word means- which is ironic because it describes the way I've lived my life for 20 some years pretty well. "Codependency is becoming overly involved, obsessed, entangled or impacted by others' behavior so that our peace and happiness is overly dependent on how these relationships are going". Hmmm- the first time I read that, it really struck me. Some other ways of describing codependents are :

has low self esteem, feel overly responsible for others, have unstable relationships marked by a lack of balance between connection and independence, are masters at repressing feelings, obsess and try to change things that can't be changed, compromise their own values and morals to avoid others' rejection or anger, are perfectionistic, loyal to fault, resilient and ignore their own emotional or physical needs.

Anyone else identify to any of the above? Can I get a "me too". Well, I found a whole support group who says "me too".  I've known these women for 5 months now. I see them only about 3 times a month, and I have made some really deep connections. One awesome aspect of this is that they come from all walks of life- they range in ages, careers, where they live, some single/married/divorced, some moms, some not. Yet, we all connect at Shift. There is a crucial anonymity piece involved that allows one to share things they might not have ever shared with anyone before. And when you can be that vulnerable and honest without ever fearing judgement or that someone is going to try to give you advice or fix you, some deep connections can be made in a very short amount of time. We all go knowing that our lives are broken and messy in some areas, so there truly is NO judgement. Can you imagine what that is like? It's pretty freeing. These people quickly become the people that you can call up any time of night if you face a crisis. You can go to them with anything. It really is quite amazing support.

Getting there took a good amount of courage and "daring greatly". Admitting that it would be helpful and that I was struggling was hard. Harder still was walking through those doors the first time, hardly knowing a soul. Looking back, I am so glad that I showed up. I'm so glad that I let myself been seen and was willing to risk. It's worth it. Since, I've been able to share with incredible people about suffering with loved ones and their addictions, losing loved ones to suicide, battling with cancer and other serious health issues, marital issues, relationships struggles, and so forth. When we're all willing to share these hard and often secret issues, we can glean things from one another . Some have come out from the darkness of the tunnel and can offer hope and wisdom. Some are right there with you in the heart of the issue, saying "me too." Regardless, it's a beautiful and sacred journey to be taking.

So, now that you've seen a glimpse of my lumps and my attempts to "dare greatly",  I'm anxious to hear more of your stories- if you're willing. Or maybe you can take a minute to think about the person or people who you are truly vulnerable with and who have walked along side you through some messy, hard, painful stuff- without judgement. Those people enjoy a little bit of recognition and thanks.  Until then, keep showing up, keep engaging and being willing to risk. Be all in!