venting

Our child who loves the outdoors. This was our hike this past weekend up to Lost Lake with some friends of ours. Coranelle did great!

This is a picture of Coranelle praying- I'd like to think she is praying for me- her mommy! I think I need a little prayer!


Warning- this is not a cheerful, happy blog... but I am being honest. If you want positive, you might want to skip reading this. If you want real, scroll down.

You have good days, and you have bad days- as a parent, as a teacher, as a wife, as a student, as a human. Today is one of those bad days as a parent. Coranelle has been awake and crying (unless she is eating) since 10:20 and it is now 2:20pm. I know, she used to cry longer when she was a newborn, but I truly thought that we had moved past that stage. I am going crazy trying to get her to sleep, which is so clearly what she needs. She went for a walk with me this morning and one of my former HS girls that I worked with through First Pres. She did fine, so long as she was in the baby bjorn and we were moving. As soon as we stopped, she lost it. Then, I fed her and tried to take her to visit Grams at school to see some of the teachers I knew from student teaching. Coranelle melted down immediately after going into the school and continued to fuss and cry the whole time we were there. I think every teacher in the school knew that we were there. When I tried to hand her over to Heido, she just got more upset. What is that about? Do babies have "stranger anxiety" at 3 months? And Heidi is NOT a stranger. Anyhow, we came home and she cried all the way home. I decided to feed her earlier than the 3 hours that is typical and she finished and immediately started screaming. She was so upset, she wouldn't take the pacifier or settle into a nap, whether I rocked her, bounced her or let her watch her mobile.
Now, my blood pressure must be up sky- high and I feel like I pulled an all-nighter or something. And what is so perplexing is that yesterday- during the day- she was great. My mom came out and we walked with her (in the stroller) and she fell asleep. After she ate, we played with her for quite a while and got lots of smiles. Then, after a nap, she and I drove to see Ryan and brought him coffee and zuchinni brownies and she met some of his co-workers. She did great and never fussed. I thought maybe we had hit a turning point, until about 5pm when Ryan came home and she refused to take a nap- despite being so exhausted. So, we held our breath and let her cry herself to sleep- only to have her wake up 15 minutes later- hungry. Geez!
I have to wonder, is her fowl mood today because I messed up her schedule to meet a friend? If so, how will I ever get out to see people? We cannot stay at home for all of her naps- or.... if we did, I would go crazy. For example, tomorrow there is the mom-and-me stroller class at the gym. Do I take the chance and go, despite the fact that it is likely that she'll scream bloody murder the whole time. Or, do I stay home and not get to see any of my other mom friends and their May babies.
I was reading my friend Heidi's blog about her first son and his behavior and it was amazing how similar her son was to Coranelle. I feel as if someone was writing about my child. She had one post about taking her son to the doctor and having to shout over the baby's cries to the doctor. Check- been there, done that. So many things about her son are so much like Coranelle- the overstimulation, the overtiredness, trying everything to battle the child's fight against the much needed sleep. She said her son's turning point was 6 months. Can I do this that long? Oh, it can be so hard. I desperately try not to compare my child to other children, but it is extremely difficult to see and hear about these easy going babies, and then watch mine melt down if I stop bouncing her for half a second. I am weary of being afraid to take her places to avoid her meltdowns. We have yet to take her to a restaurant with us because she will not sit in her car seat for a minute without crying unless it is in the moving car. I get anxious to take her to get togethers, weddings, events, etc. I cannot seem to get a full conversation in with anyone because I am constantly switching positions to soothe her. It makes me feel lonely when I walk and talk with other new moms and they push their babies- peacefully sleeping and perfectly capable to keep their pacifiers in their mouths. I knew parenting would be hard, but really, I didn't expect it to be this hard. I never imagined so much crying or so much exhaustion and frustration. And it cannot go on forever- I realize that. She'll have to get over this and allow me to take her into the grocery store without screaming. Eventually... right? Because the current- put her in the baby bjorn and try to shop while holding her pacifier in her mouth with one hand and push the cart, grab items and pay with the other, gets a little stressful.
Let me reassure you, I love Coranelle with my whole heart. I am so thankful and blessed that she is healthy. I know that there are people who are dealing with a lot worse things in their lives than a fussy child. Early this morning, I was watching her with love and devotion as she happily batted at her cow and ladybug on her playmat- hugely impressed by her coordination and how she is growing up. I am really trying to do the best I can to keep her on a schedule and still spend time with and the rest of my family and friends. I am trying my best to relax and be patient so that she doesn't feed off of my anxiety or stress. But, am I even in the right ballfield? I know there is no manual for your child, and now I have infinite respect for our parents and what they went through raising us. I sit here in tears thinking about how much I love my daughter and how I SO want her to be happy. I feel inadequate as her mom, as a wife, daughter and friend. But, these are the times when I have to accept my weakness and let the Lord be strong. I know He is here in my weeping and my hurting. I know that along with the bad days, there are many good days. Coranelle is finally sleeping (for the moment) and I can only pray that she wakes up with her beautiful smile!