I came home from the rec center this afternoon choking back tears and then after hugs from Ryan, let the waterworks flow. My hormones are probably in overdrive as I enter the 8th month of my pregnancy, but I still have had many moments of feeling very broken recently. Let me explain today's break down. It was super frigid today- sub zero temps. But, that didn't stop us from having a good day. We went to the library, checked out and read books, played computer games where Coranelle created all sorts of crazy green monsters and then headed over to gymnastics. Coranelle loves gymnastics and it is so fun to see her stretch, run, explore, balance and work on new motor skills. This afternoon, we returned to the rec center so that Coranelle could go to childcare and I could work out. Recently, the child care workers have been telling me that she is very clingy and wants to be held the whole time. This obviously doesn't work when there are 20 kids in the room, some infants, and just a few adults. After MOPs last week, I got a similar report. Coranelle was crying and sad unless one of the workers was holding her. She isn't playing, just wanting to be up. When the workers hold the babies, she gets mad at them. So, she and I have had many discussions about this. I told her today that she couldn't be up the whole time. She needed to play with all the fun toys and kids. I returned an hour later to a tear streaked face, a pouty and quivering lip, and two frustrated childcare workers. She, again, wanted to be up the whole time. One lady explained that she tried to get her to color and play, but nothing worked. The other lady explained that she made Coranelle stay down for a while, not to be mean, but because if I take her at more busy times, there is NO way she can be held the whole time. Of course! I know this. Meanwhile, Coranelle is clinging to me, listening to every word, and just looking pitifully sad. I explained to the workers that I think Coranelle is very aware that there is a baby coming into our lives and this is her way of preparing/adjusting. She is already afraid baby Sheldon is going to be in her Mommy's arms more than she will and she hates it.
So, we left the childcare room and went out and sat on a bench to have a chat and put our coats on. Tears started streaming down my face as I wondered what I am supposed to do. Why is she SO clingy? There were 15 other kids in there, some younger, some older, none of them paying any mind to the adults or needing to be held. What is going on? Coranelle looks up at me with her sad eyes and says, "Mommy Sad". And she reaches up and hugs and kisses me and says, "wipe" as she wipes my tears off. I tried to explain to her why I was sad and she understood. She just kept saying "hugs" and trying to make me feel better. What is this stage? What am I supposed to do? Not only do I know she shouldn't be held all the time, it is hurting me now that I have a huge belly. We have bad battles at night about this while I am cooking and I have had to put her up in her room and let her cry and be sad while I finish making a meal. It makes me terribly sad because... she's not trying to be bad or hard. She just wants to see what I am doing.
A few nights ago, I broke down in tears with Ryan again. People keep telling me that God won't give me more than I can handle. But, sometimes- I feel like he has. If it weren't for my amazing husband and awesome parents, I am not sure how I'd cope. But, I have another one on the way... soon! And let me make this clear... I love my daughter so much it hurts. She's amazing and smart and fun and adorable. But, when I think about the last 20 months, these are the things we have come through:
-colic for 6 months- that means periods of 2-8 hours of intense crying that we couldn't easily soothe- every day.
-No napping for the first 3 months of her life unless I was wearing her and moving. (That's how I lost my pregnancy weight).
-She wouldn't take a bottle so I was the only one who could feed her for 10 months.
- intense hatred of the stroller or sitting- ever
-Nursing strike and biting leading to an unwanted ending to nursing at 10 months.
-Total and continued refusal to drink milk of any kind- formula, soy, cow, coconut, almond, etc.
-Constant eating battles and worry about her being underweight.
-Intense stranger anxiety from 5-9 months old which meant that most of the time, she could only be with me or dad. Leaving her with grandparents meant she cried for much of the time.
-Pulling out chunks of her hair and for a time, eating it. That led to us cutting her hair twice.
-currently- hitting and being aggressive with other kids at times
Whew... I feel like it has just been a lot of battles. But, when I voice that, I feel even more guilty. I don't want it to come across that I dislike being a mom, or that I don't appreciate staying home with my daughter. I cannot imagine not being with her. She's addicting and amazing, even when she is so encompassing and spirited. It's just hard to see so many other relatively easy babies growing up around me and not wonder what we have done wrong.
Yet, our talk at MOPs on Tuesday was about laughing more, and taking time to linger. I realized that I have been wishing away this precious time and these precious stages of Coranelle's life. I keep thinking that it will get easier as she gets older and cannot help but look forward to when she starts pre-school and school. How terrible is that? It is making me miss out on THIS time in her life and all these amazing moments and memories that we have on a daily basis. In reality, it is going by SO fast and I know that when she does start Kindergarten, I will be sad and missing all the time that I got to spend with her when she was younger. So, I am working on shifting my focus and soaking in the good times and all of the great traits that my daughter has.
For example, she is the happiest and cutest little thing in the world when you take her swimming. Her whole face lights up as she goes down the slides and begs to go more and more.
She is amazing with all of her colors and loves to name them on everything. I love that she loves green and always insists on wearing something green- even if it is just a barrette.
She in incredibly intuitive and kind and loves to give out hugs and kisses.
She is a blast at the zoo- searching for the Rhino and talking to the fish and the turtles.
I love coloring and reading with her. She is so engaged and talkative.
She loves racing her cars with Ryan and it is so fun to watch them laying down on their tummies, lining up the cars and cheering.
She's adorable when she sings and dances.
She likes to hug my belly and give baby Sheldon kisses.
I could go on and on about the things she does daily that make me smile. She has really taught me so much about love, life, patience, and joy. I am going to work harder on looking towards the positives and soak up the good moments. And, we'll keep working on fostering her independence so that she doesn't need to be "up" all the time. Okay, my time is up. Venting done and feeling much more positive and relaxed.
Being Sassy.
Talking to the turtle.
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