I read this great blog post yesterday that I want to share with you. It really got me thinking about my own self and the many precious women around me. Take a minute to read this post and watch the 3 minute video, too.
http://momastery.com/blog/2013/10/21/why/
Until I read this article, I had never put into words the differences between men and women and their sizes and their goals. I had never really thought about that fact that generally, women work out to get smaller, to lose weight, to shrink. And often, men exercise to get bigger and stronger. Ryan and I have always joked about him "getting HUGE" when he goes to lift. And "getting huge" is a positive thing... for him.
As I continue further down this road to becoming a personal trainer (side note- it's really happening and I am so excited), I have thought a lot more about these concepts and people's motivation to exercise. And as Glennon comments on in her blog, many times- the women are trying to "get smaller" and the men are trying to get stronger. Now can we just put on the brakes here? Can we start a movement? Can we shift our thinking about this a little bit? What if being strong was truly embraced as the new skinny? What if muscles (in women) was the new sexy? Now, I'm not talking body builders here, I'm just talking strength and toned. I mean sure, the Victoria secret models are hot. I get it. But, I bet I could out perform most of them in a workout any day. And I don't mean to come across as arrogant or boastful. I am just trying to drive a point home. I may be stronger, but in our society, that still is insignificant to tall and skinny. Can't we change that?!
Don't get me wrong. I have certainly had my own fair share of body image issues. I have done plenty of trying to shrink. I've starved myself. I've defined myself by the number on the scale or the size of clothing I wear. I have constantly compared my body to other's. I have agonized over the pregnancy weight I was gaining. I have obsessed over the baby weight I still have to lose. I am just as guilty. I still struggle with it. But, I want to put that behind me. I want a new definition of "hot".
And here's some interesting food for thought. I've struggled my whole life feeling like I was "not enough", not good enough, small enough, smart enough, pretty enough, popular enough, etc. Yet, despite feeling like I was not enough, I simultaneously tried to physically shrink. Ironic, huh?
Why are we more focused on those pounds we have to lose than the things we have accomplished? The first 5K, 10K, 1/2 marathon or triathlon we've competed in seems insignificant when compared with the number on the scale. Those numbers trump climbing a 14er or being able to get through a crossfit, insanity, P90X, or group fitness class. Why do we celebrate the pounds lost more than the growth made? Why don't we celebrate when our muscles grow larger and we can lift more and do more? Why don't we embrace that feeling of being empowered, strong, capable and healthy?
How many times have I been asked, "Why are you doing this workout? You're tiny!" As if the only reason to exercise is to lose weight. What if we recognize that we can workout to gain strength, to get fit, to train, to stretch and push ourselves, to improve our balance and stability, to combat stress and anxiety, to reduce our risks of tons of diseases or developing disabling medical conditions?
We focus on the pounds we have to lose after we have a baby and it diminishes the fact that we made, grew, sustained and birthed a baby! Doesn't that seem crazy? As I have been doing the physical training to become a personal trainer, I have started doing a lot more resistance training. It makes sense considering I will have to be handing clients 70 pound dumb bells or lifting weight plates on and off sleds or bars. I have to be strong enough to spot clients during hard lifts and exercises. So, with that resistance training, the numbers on the scale have gone up.(Muscle weights more than fat). My jeans are tight on my thighs again. My shirts fit a bit differently. When I have admitted this to girlfriends, they look at me in horror. "You're gaining weight? But you're working so hard!". Why is that such a horrible thing? Why can't working hard and gaining weight go together and be a positive thing for females? I AM gaining weight. And I am totally okay with that. I am getting stronger. My endurance is improving. I am more capable. Those are all fantastic things. The benefits this training is doing for me mentally, I cannot even measure how incredible it is for my anxiety/ panic prone personality. Growing.... getting bigger- it's okay. Can't we celebrate those improvements, instead of looking disappointedly at the scale?
Have no worries- if I have future clients that have pounds they wish to lose, areas they want to work on, I will do everything in my power to help them make that possible. We'll discuss nutrition and healthy choices. But, we'll also be celebrating when they can increase the weights they're lifting, when they can get through a workout with less breaks or without quitting. We'll cheer when they can recover faster. We'll celebrate changing of their body composition and measurements. We'll laugh and high five that they're feeling better mentally, that they are gaining self confidence. But, I won't be doing weigh ins. I won't dwell on those numbers.
As a mom of a daughter, I have to think long and hard about what I want to teach her. I don't want her to be depriving herself. I don't want her hungry so that she is not able to play, swim or ride her bike. I don't want her knowing what a "diet" is. I hope she continues to think about going to workout as a means to "get big and strong" or train for some event she's hoping to compete in or improve her performance in her favorite sport or activity.
As I step into this new field of work, I would like to hear your thoughts and ideas on what I just wrote. Why do you workout? What is hot or sexy to you? How do you feel about scales and diets?
Thanks for reading. Enjoy your fall. I'll try to post an update on this new season of life for me in the near future.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Friday, September 6, 2013
Life in the Fast Lane
So, I know I was totally inspired to get back into blogging on a more regular basis. But, this post is just to inform you that I will likely be posting few and far between for the next few months. We are juggling a lot of balls right now, and a few are going to have to drop- or I will.
My newest endeavor is exciting and I am really enjoying it, but it is super time consuming. I'm working on getting my certification to become a personal trainer! Personal Fitness is something that I have LONG been interested in and passionate about. As I looked forward a few years to trying to work part time while the kids are in preschool/kindergarten, personal training seemed like a great option because of the ability to choose my hours (and because I think I will love doing it). And, how incredible will it be to design programs to get people fit and healthy and creative positive and worthwhile exercise experiences?
Although I am excited about this possible career opportunity, I am scared. It is a risk for me and I worry about where I'll find a job and if I can get hired and work out a schedule that works for the whole family. Part of me is having a hard time letting go of my previous vision of immediately going back to teaching when Coranelle reached kindergarten. So, this is all new territory for me. I don't have all of the answers worked out. But, a wise person in my life advised me that I don't have to "have the whole picture painted before I even purchase a canvas". I can just start where I am at and see where it goes and enjoy the learning that comes along with it.
So- what does this have to do with blogging? Well, the certification course is a 12 week program and then I will have to take a proctored exam. Those of you who know me as a student know that I don't take this lightly. At all. I have 2 manuals- and they will be read word for word, highlighted, notes taken, re-read, referenced, and studied. One is 750 pages long. The other- well- is just hard stuff. This anatomy, kinesiology and physiology is a whole foreign world to me. Fascinating and important, but learning all the systems, muscles, bones, joints, calculating formulas, etc is not easy for someone who isn't science and math minded. So, all my "free time" will be spent studying. The remainder will spent helping with C's preschool, and trying to keep up with house and yard work while not dropping the ball completely in keeping up with friends, families, trips and fun days out. Oh, and then there's this 1/2 marathon that I'm signed up for in October that will require some training. (Which, BTW, I am, unfortunately now probably running on my own. If anyone is interested in joining me in the Rock N Roll 1/2 marathon in October, let me know). And, if it seems as if I am MIA, I am. But not to worry, I am excited to be taking on a new challenge and really hoping that I can turn this into a career that I would love and be passionate about!
If I find fun and meaningful quotes or tidbits, I'll still try to take the time to write them here. That's all for now! Enjoy the last of the summer!
My newest endeavor is exciting and I am really enjoying it, but it is super time consuming. I'm working on getting my certification to become a personal trainer! Personal Fitness is something that I have LONG been interested in and passionate about. As I looked forward a few years to trying to work part time while the kids are in preschool/kindergarten, personal training seemed like a great option because of the ability to choose my hours (and because I think I will love doing it). And, how incredible will it be to design programs to get people fit and healthy and creative positive and worthwhile exercise experiences?
Although I am excited about this possible career opportunity, I am scared. It is a risk for me and I worry about where I'll find a job and if I can get hired and work out a schedule that works for the whole family. Part of me is having a hard time letting go of my previous vision of immediately going back to teaching when Coranelle reached kindergarten. So, this is all new territory for me. I don't have all of the answers worked out. But, a wise person in my life advised me that I don't have to "have the whole picture painted before I even purchase a canvas". I can just start where I am at and see where it goes and enjoy the learning that comes along with it.
So- what does this have to do with blogging? Well, the certification course is a 12 week program and then I will have to take a proctored exam. Those of you who know me as a student know that I don't take this lightly. At all. I have 2 manuals- and they will be read word for word, highlighted, notes taken, re-read, referenced, and studied. One is 750 pages long. The other- well- is just hard stuff. This anatomy, kinesiology and physiology is a whole foreign world to me. Fascinating and important, but learning all the systems, muscles, bones, joints, calculating formulas, etc is not easy for someone who isn't science and math minded. So, all my "free time" will be spent studying. The remainder will spent helping with C's preschool, and trying to keep up with house and yard work while not dropping the ball completely in keeping up with friends, families, trips and fun days out. Oh, and then there's this 1/2 marathon that I'm signed up for in October that will require some training. (Which, BTW, I am, unfortunately now probably running on my own. If anyone is interested in joining me in the Rock N Roll 1/2 marathon in October, let me know). And, if it seems as if I am MIA, I am. But not to worry, I am excited to be taking on a new challenge and really hoping that I can turn this into a career that I would love and be passionate about!
If I find fun and meaningful quotes or tidbits, I'll still try to take the time to write them here. That's all for now! Enjoy the last of the summer!
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Dear Coranelle and Sheldon,
Sweet, energetic, busy, loving, enthusiastic, athletic, sensitive, bright, fun, adventurous, bold and loyal kiddos- this poem is for you. These are not my words, as I don't have that kind of writing talent, but they give a voice to the feelings I have for you. And I sincerely hope that in the midst of my ranting, giving time-outs, taking away privileges, dishing out consequences and my dwindling patience- that you would know without a shadow of a doubt that this is how I feel about you both and this is how I will always feel about you.
So, without further ado- a poem by a fantastic childrens' author, Nancy Tillman.
Sweet, energetic, busy, loving, enthusiastic, athletic, sensitive, bright, fun, adventurous, bold and loyal kiddos- this poem is for you. These are not my words, as I don't have that kind of writing talent, but they give a voice to the feelings I have for you. And I sincerely hope that in the midst of my ranting, giving time-outs, taking away privileges, dishing out consequences and my dwindling patience- that you would know without a shadow of a doubt that this is how I feel about you both and this is how I will always feel about you.
So, without further ado- a poem by a fantastic childrens' author, Nancy Tillman.
Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You
I wanted you more
than you ever will know,
so I sent love to follow
wherever you go.
It's high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf.
You'll never outgrow it... it stretches itself!
So Climb any mountain...
climb up to the sky!
My love will find you.
My love can fly!
Make a big splash! Go out on a limb!
My love will find you. My love can swim!
It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...
if you're working...
or playing...
or sitting with friends.
You can dance 'til you're dizzy...
paint til you're blue...
There's no place, not one, that my love can't find you.
And if someday you're lonely,
or someday you're sad,
or you strike out at baseball,
or think you've been bad...
Just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.
In the green of the grass... in the smell of
the sea.. in the clouds floating by...
at the top of a tree... in the sound
crickets make at the end of the day...
You are loved. You are loved. You are
loved, they all say
My love is so high, and so wide and
so deep, it's always right there, even
when you're asleep.
So hold your head high
and don't be afraid
to march to the front
of your own parade.
If you're still my small babe
or you're all the way grown,
my promise to you
is you're never alone
You are my angel, my darling,
my star... and my love will find you,
wherever you are.
You are loved.
Love,
Momma
As I've read this story from the library to my kids this past week, I couldn't help but get emotional. How true these words are about the love I have for my kids. I know that I am not always the best at demonstrating or showing my love. But rest assured, this is how I feel. There is nowhere my kids could go, nothing they could EVER do, that would make me love them any less fiercely. And as the school year starts and my kids are away from me more often, the following verse really strikes me;
So hold your head high
and don't be afraid
to march to the front
of your own parade.
I hope my love for them helps them to be kind and brave as they begin to do their own things and make more and more choices independently. I hope they know that they don't have to be the smartest, fastest, strongest, or best at anything.... ever. My love will never be conditional on behavior, achievements, or accomplishments. It will always be there. So, cheers to another school year and all that it will bring. And if my kids learn nothing else this year, I hope they understand fully the depth of the love that I have for them.
Coming soon- some more thoughts, insights and inspiration that I have uncovered recently.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
inspiration
This seems to happen every year. We hit July 4th, and it feels
like the rest of the summer flies by in a whirl wind. Every weekend
fills up with fun family activities, camping, pools, weddings or other
adventures and excitement. I'm already hearing about "back to school",
which is a bit alarming. We've had a great month of June and beginning
to July. I included lots of pictures to tell some of our stories. Ryan
and I have discussed how much we like the age the kids have reached. It
allows for lots of adventures and not as much fretting about naps,
mealtimes, bedtimes, nursing, or other worries for younger ages.
Our most recent adventure was getting our wedding bands tattooed. The kids were on a really fun camping trip with Grandmadele and Grandpa Steve, so we had some time to get things done and to get our weddings bands done. Ryan got three thin bands. I got Ryan's name done in a very artistic/abstract way. They were uncomfortable and painful, but worth it! I won't include pictures. You can see them in person.
I don't have any of my own inspiration to share this time. I have received a lot of insight and inspiration from other blogs and sources recently. Instead of trying to come up with something on my own, I'll just share the links to what I has touched me or resonated with me in some way or another. Maybe they will bring comfort, healing, insight or just a feeling of "me too".
Our most recent adventure was getting our wedding bands tattooed. The kids were on a really fun camping trip with Grandmadele and Grandpa Steve, so we had some time to get things done and to get our weddings bands done. Ryan got three thin bands. I got Ryan's name done in a very artistic/abstract way. They were uncomfortable and painful, but worth it! I won't include pictures. You can see them in person.
I don't have any of my own inspiration to share this time. I have received a lot of insight and inspiration from other blogs and sources recently. Instead of trying to come up with something on my own, I'll just share the links to what I has touched me or resonated with me in some way or another. Maybe they will bring comfort, healing, insight or just a feeling of "me too".
http://momastery.com/blog/2013/07/12/tara/
The above story reminded me of my "lumps of coal" post and it is a beautiful story of redemption.
http://momastery.com/blog/2013/07/11/on-forgetting-and-remembering/
I can identify with bits and pieces of the above post with my own anxiety and have a lot of friends who either suffer from depression themselves or have loved ones that do. This was helpful and very moving.
http://angiesmithonline.com/2012/09/the-mender-and-a-great-opportunity/
The above link spoke volumes to me and I will read it and re-read it so many times. It resonated with my Approval Addiction.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ2_Gg6ka-k
The last link is a song that I have fallen in love with and listened to hundreds of times in the past few weeks.
Our girl's night Paint and Sip
Cheers to a truly awesome summer thus far!
Monday, June 17, 2013
Tough
This past Saturday, Ryan and I participated in an event called the Tough Mudder. Wow, what an incredible experience! We covered 11 miles at 8,000 feet or above, and conquered 20 obstacles that were designed by the British Armed Forces. The event was created to test your mental and physical strength, and it did. We plunged into dumpsters full of ice (34 degrees), swam under barrels in freezing mountain ponds, climbed over walls, up and down glaciers, army crawled under barbed wire and electric shock, monkey bars over freezing pools of water, running up a quarter pipe, and so forth. We were cold, tired, and tested. But it was awesome! I have done LOTS of races in the past 15 years and this was my favorite- by far. It was such a rare and wonderful thing to get to do with Ryan. My team was awesome, even if I was the only girl. It was powerful to overcome that with 3 other people. I never felt like my team was frustrated with me or tired of waiting. Nobody was throwing elbows or keeping track of time. People were stopping to help random strangers, striking up conversations, laughing, starting snowball and mud fights, and just enjoying the day. It was so different from any other race I've done in that everyone was helping each other along, not trying to get ahead. Regardless of age, gender, strength, or fitness level, we all just wanted to complete it and make sure those around us completed it as well.
So, I just got to thinking about how life often feels like trying to get through the Tough Mudder. One might compare a toddlers embarrassing tantrum in the middle of King Soopers to the trying to get through the electric shock therapy. You could liken a fight with your spouse to pushing through the "Arctic Enema". Choosing a preschool or school for you kids is a bit like running the "gauntlet" ( 1/2 mile straight down the ski slope and 1/2 straight back up). Choosing to work or stay at home is like struggling to get over the 8 foot walls. Struggling with your eating issues, taking care of a loved one who is physically or mentally ill, trying to love a loved one with an addiction.... I could go on and on, but you all know what you're battling. The question is, are you battling it alone? Are you trying to crawl up that 10 foot wall on your own, or do you have people around you to hoist you up and over. When you're too shocked to move forward (like I was in the mountain pond), do you have some one yelling at you to keep moving- someone grabbing your hand to pull you though? There were so many times on Saturday that Ryan, Andy or Derrick came along side me to get me over or through something. They pulled me out of cold water, lifted me up the 1/4 pipe, talked me through moments of panic, cheered and pulled me through army crawling in a pit of mud under barbed wire, and so forth. And when we got through it, we all high fived and hugged. After I went through the "electroshock therapy" and my face and back got pounded, they handed me a beer! We are all undoubtably closer after coming through that.
What if we fought through all of these battles and hard decisions together- instead of competing with one another and trying to get ahead? Instead of worrying about our finish time, what if we stopped to help those who are wounded and struggling with a smile, patience and no judgement. What if, instead of thinking we had to get through all of this tough stuff by ourselves, we accepted the helping hands of others? I struggle a lot with this. Early on in motherhood, I thought I should be able to do everything by myself. When I was able to swallow my pride and accept help, life was so much fuller and manageable. This challenge would have been impossible if I had tried to go it alone. Truly, there is no way I could have gotten over a good 1/3 of the obstacles by myself. The guys, sure. They could have completed 99% of it alone. I physically was not tall enough or strong enough to do it. So, I took their helping hands and we pushed through TOGETHER. There was a young man who started in the wave before us who had lost both legs while deployed. While I was huffing and puffing up the mountain, I saw him. He was pushing his wheel chair like mad up the side of the mountain, and he had a team surrounding him to help him along. So then I was huffing and puffing and crying. They lifted him over 8 foot walls, folks! That kind of camaraderie is so rare, and so precious! I think life would be a better experience for all of us if we could go through the tough stuff together, lifting each other over obstacles, accepting a hand, lending a hand, cheering each other on, and refusing to "race" or compete.
Thank you to my awesome Turbo Turtles for such a fun experience! I seriously hope your quads are as sore as mine today, because stairs seem a bit like "Everest" to me right now.
So, I just got to thinking about how life often feels like trying to get through the Tough Mudder. One might compare a toddlers embarrassing tantrum in the middle of King Soopers to the trying to get through the electric shock therapy. You could liken a fight with your spouse to pushing through the "Arctic Enema". Choosing a preschool or school for you kids is a bit like running the "gauntlet" ( 1/2 mile straight down the ski slope and 1/2 straight back up). Choosing to work or stay at home is like struggling to get over the 8 foot walls. Struggling with your eating issues, taking care of a loved one who is physically or mentally ill, trying to love a loved one with an addiction.... I could go on and on, but you all know what you're battling. The question is, are you battling it alone? Are you trying to crawl up that 10 foot wall on your own, or do you have people around you to hoist you up and over. When you're too shocked to move forward (like I was in the mountain pond), do you have some one yelling at you to keep moving- someone grabbing your hand to pull you though? There were so many times on Saturday that Ryan, Andy or Derrick came along side me to get me over or through something. They pulled me out of cold water, lifted me up the 1/4 pipe, talked me through moments of panic, cheered and pulled me through army crawling in a pit of mud under barbed wire, and so forth. And when we got through it, we all high fived and hugged. After I went through the "electroshock therapy" and my face and back got pounded, they handed me a beer! We are all undoubtably closer after coming through that.
What if we fought through all of these battles and hard decisions together- instead of competing with one another and trying to get ahead? Instead of worrying about our finish time, what if we stopped to help those who are wounded and struggling with a smile, patience and no judgement. What if, instead of thinking we had to get through all of this tough stuff by ourselves, we accepted the helping hands of others? I struggle a lot with this. Early on in motherhood, I thought I should be able to do everything by myself. When I was able to swallow my pride and accept help, life was so much fuller and manageable. This challenge would have been impossible if I had tried to go it alone. Truly, there is no way I could have gotten over a good 1/3 of the obstacles by myself. The guys, sure. They could have completed 99% of it alone. I physically was not tall enough or strong enough to do it. So, I took their helping hands and we pushed through TOGETHER. There was a young man who started in the wave before us who had lost both legs while deployed. While I was huffing and puffing up the mountain, I saw him. He was pushing his wheel chair like mad up the side of the mountain, and he had a team surrounding him to help him along. So then I was huffing and puffing and crying. They lifted him over 8 foot walls, folks! That kind of camaraderie is so rare, and so precious! I think life would be a better experience for all of us if we could go through the tough stuff together, lifting each other over obstacles, accepting a hand, lending a hand, cheering each other on, and refusing to "race" or compete.
Thank you to my awesome Turbo Turtles for such a fun experience! I seriously hope your quads are as sore as mine today, because stairs seem a bit like "Everest" to me right now.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
approval
First of all, thank you for the outpouring of support, encouragement and kind comments in response to my last post. I am so thankful to know all of you!
I have been meaning to post again for the last few weeks, but summer has hit full force and, I just keep putting it off. We dove deep into vacations, summer camp, dance class, swimming pools, the Bay, play dates, summer reading programs, gardening, bike riding, and training for the hardest race/challenge I've ever done (The Tough Mudder- look it up if you want, but don't judge us http://toughmudder.com/events/colorado-sat-jun-15-sun-jun-16-2013/). The heat and busyness on top of 4 books that I'm currently reading hasn't left much time for blogging.
I wanted to continue blogging about some of the things I have been learning. I just started two new books that I'll recommend here. The first is by a wonderful author, Jen Hatmaker. It's called "Out of the Spin Cycle- Devotions to Lighten your Mother Load". If you are a mother of younger kids, you should read it. She said this in the section I read today, "When we operate from the central concern of being seen a certain way, we can't develop healthy relationships in the messy soil of reality- the only place they'll grow. Presenting a perfect, fake life to others generates fear in our own hearts and intimidation in everyone else's, and creates nice fake relationships- with our friends, with our family members and even with our own children.... Can we admit our failures and stop worrying about what someone might think? Can we allow others to be the same people on the outside that they are on the inside? Can we live real lives in front of each other, imperfect in our humanity but reclaimed through Jesus?"
This is reiterating some of what I've advocated for here in my previous posts, but it also highlights another key component that I am struggling with and have for as long as I can remember- seeking approval.
As one might say in an AA meeting, "Hi, my name is Kari and I have an approval addiction". You're probably wondering, Is that a thing? That's what I asked too. It is a thing. And the more I read about it, the more I know that it is a true issue that I have struggled with for a long time. As Joyce Meyer says, "Many people seek the approval of others to try to overcome their feelings of rejection and low self-esteem. They suffer from those feelings and use the addiction to approval to try to remove the pain. They are miserable if anyone seems not to approve of them in any way or for any reason and they are anxious about the disapproval until they feel they are once again accepted. They may do almost anything to gain the approval they feel they have lost..." Approval Addictions. So, that sums up a huge part of my life. And here's the key- I am slowly learning that God's approval will be all I need.
With that being said, there are wildfires raging in Colorado again. (Yes, there is a tie between these two very different topics- I'll get there). It is eerie to me how similar it feels to last year, at this exact same time. The haze and smoke and news reports bring me back to a year ago right now. I have vivid memories of trying to survive through soccer camp in 100 degree temps and suffocating smoke, with a scared 3 year old who wasn't ready to do soccer camp. As I was reflecting back on the last year today, a few thoughts ran through my head. As I was ruminating, the loudest thought was, "Please no- not a repeat of last year. Not just the fires, but the whole last 12 months. That was scary and hard and challenging and sad and revealing and raw and I don't want a repeat. I can't do it again." It has been a hard year in many ways. But, as I thought about it more, I thought about all the things that the hard has brought; some really deep, wonderful relationships with new and existing friends. It has brought me so much closer to Ryan and made our marriage stronger and amazingly beautiful in many ways. It has taught me a lot about myself and directed me into a better way of living. The hard has refined me into a better mom- one who loves with more patience and mercy, with more prayer, compassion, less judgment and more laughter (on most days- give me a break, I'm still human). This past year has taught me immeasurable amounts about love and grace. It strengthened my faith and my need for God. And now, I'm learning how to lean and depend less on others' approval and live confidently in the freedom that I am enough. That might seem like a simple concept to you- living like I am enough. But, it has not been simple for me to learn. It took some breaking and some undoing and I haven't arrived yet- so to speak.
I refined my thinking today. Maybe this next year will be hard too, probably not in the same ways. Afterall, the only constant thing in this world, aside from God, is change. But if the next 12 months are scary and hard and challenging and sad and revealing and raw, I can just pray that God uses them for as much good as He has the last 12 months. I know that God will continue to bless me with life and peace. I know that the last year broke me, but God used it to draw me closer to him and that intimacy was well worth all the hard things.
On that note, if you're praying people, pray for the fires here in CO and the evacuated people and all those working to fight the fires and keep people safe.
Thanks again for taking this journey with me!
I have been meaning to post again for the last few weeks, but summer has hit full force and, I just keep putting it off. We dove deep into vacations, summer camp, dance class, swimming pools, the Bay, play dates, summer reading programs, gardening, bike riding, and training for the hardest race/challenge I've ever done (The Tough Mudder- look it up if you want, but don't judge us http://toughmudder.com/events/colorado-sat-jun-15-sun-jun-16-2013/). The heat and busyness on top of 4 books that I'm currently reading hasn't left much time for blogging.
I wanted to continue blogging about some of the things I have been learning. I just started two new books that I'll recommend here. The first is by a wonderful author, Jen Hatmaker. It's called "Out of the Spin Cycle- Devotions to Lighten your Mother Load". If you are a mother of younger kids, you should read it. She said this in the section I read today, "When we operate from the central concern of being seen a certain way, we can't develop healthy relationships in the messy soil of reality- the only place they'll grow. Presenting a perfect, fake life to others generates fear in our own hearts and intimidation in everyone else's, and creates nice fake relationships- with our friends, with our family members and even with our own children.... Can we admit our failures and stop worrying about what someone might think? Can we allow others to be the same people on the outside that they are on the inside? Can we live real lives in front of each other, imperfect in our humanity but reclaimed through Jesus?"
This is reiterating some of what I've advocated for here in my previous posts, but it also highlights another key component that I am struggling with and have for as long as I can remember- seeking approval.
As one might say in an AA meeting, "Hi, my name is Kari and I have an approval addiction". You're probably wondering, Is that a thing? That's what I asked too. It is a thing. And the more I read about it, the more I know that it is a true issue that I have struggled with for a long time. As Joyce Meyer says, "Many people seek the approval of others to try to overcome their feelings of rejection and low self-esteem. They suffer from those feelings and use the addiction to approval to try to remove the pain. They are miserable if anyone seems not to approve of them in any way or for any reason and they are anxious about the disapproval until they feel they are once again accepted. They may do almost anything to gain the approval they feel they have lost..." Approval Addictions. So, that sums up a huge part of my life. And here's the key- I am slowly learning that God's approval will be all I need.
With that being said, there are wildfires raging in Colorado again. (Yes, there is a tie between these two very different topics- I'll get there). It is eerie to me how similar it feels to last year, at this exact same time. The haze and smoke and news reports bring me back to a year ago right now. I have vivid memories of trying to survive through soccer camp in 100 degree temps and suffocating smoke, with a scared 3 year old who wasn't ready to do soccer camp. As I was reflecting back on the last year today, a few thoughts ran through my head. As I was ruminating, the loudest thought was, "Please no- not a repeat of last year. Not just the fires, but the whole last 12 months. That was scary and hard and challenging and sad and revealing and raw and I don't want a repeat. I can't do it again." It has been a hard year in many ways. But, as I thought about it more, I thought about all the things that the hard has brought; some really deep, wonderful relationships with new and existing friends. It has brought me so much closer to Ryan and made our marriage stronger and amazingly beautiful in many ways. It has taught me a lot about myself and directed me into a better way of living. The hard has refined me into a better mom- one who loves with more patience and mercy, with more prayer, compassion, less judgment and more laughter (on most days- give me a break, I'm still human). This past year has taught me immeasurable amounts about love and grace. It strengthened my faith and my need for God. And now, I'm learning how to lean and depend less on others' approval and live confidently in the freedom that I am enough. That might seem like a simple concept to you- living like I am enough. But, it has not been simple for me to learn. It took some breaking and some undoing and I haven't arrived yet- so to speak.
I refined my thinking today. Maybe this next year will be hard too, probably not in the same ways. Afterall, the only constant thing in this world, aside from God, is change. But if the next 12 months are scary and hard and challenging and sad and revealing and raw, I can just pray that God uses them for as much good as He has the last 12 months. I know that God will continue to bless me with life and peace. I know that the last year broke me, but God used it to draw me closer to him and that intimacy was well worth all the hard things.
On that note, if you're praying people, pray for the fires here in CO and the evacuated people and all those working to fight the fires and keep people safe.
Thanks again for taking this journey with me!
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