a rough patch

I'm currently up in our bedroom with my old college desk lamp on, listening to KBCO and drinking peppermint tea. I have 20 minutes to myself, thanks to my amazing husband. It's the little things, really. I cannot believe how much I took these moments for granted before having a kid. When I post this blog and head out of my little haven to bathe my daughter, I will feel totally refreshed- unlike my previous state of mind which included my comment, "I resign". Don't worry, I wasn't resigning from motherhood, or life- just caring if my daughter ate a decent dinner or drank any of her milk. It was a battle I didn't have the energy for tonight.

I came home from the rec center this afternoon choking back tears and then after hugs from Ryan, let the waterworks flow. My hormones are probably in overdrive as I enter the 8th month of my pregnancy, but I still have had many moments of feeling very broken recently. Let me explain today's break down. It was super frigid today- sub zero temps. But, that didn't stop us from having a good day. We went to the library, checked out and read books, played computer games where Coranelle created all sorts of crazy green monsters and then headed over to gymnastics. Coranelle loves gymnastics and it is so fun to see her stretch, run, explore, balance and work on new motor skills. This afternoon, we returned to the rec center so that Coranelle could go to childcare and I could work out. Recently, the child care workers have been telling me that she is very clingy and wants to be held the whole time. This obviously doesn't work when there are 20 kids in the room, some infants, and just a few adults. After MOPs last week, I got a similar report. Coranelle was crying and sad unless one of the workers was holding her. She isn't playing, just wanting to be up. When the workers hold the babies, she gets mad at them. So, she and I have had many discussions about this. I told her today that she couldn't be up the whole time. She needed to play with all the fun toys and kids. I returned an hour later to a tear streaked face, a pouty and quivering lip, and two frustrated childcare workers. She, again, wanted to be up the whole time. One lady explained that she tried to get her to color and play, but nothing worked. The other lady explained that she made Coranelle stay down for a while, not to be mean, but because if I take her at more busy times, there is NO way she can be held the whole time. Of course! I know this. Meanwhile, Coranelle is clinging to me, listening to every word, and just looking pitifully sad. I explained to the workers that I think Coranelle is very aware that there is a baby coming into our lives and this is her way of preparing/adjusting. She is already afraid baby Sheldon is going to be in her Mommy's arms more than she will and she hates it.

So, we left the childcare room and went out and sat on a bench to have a chat and put our coats on. Tears started streaming down my face as I wondered what I am supposed to do. Why is she SO clingy? There were 15 other kids in there, some younger, some older, none of them paying any mind to the adults or needing to be held. What is going on? Coranelle looks up at me with her sad eyes and says, "Mommy Sad". And she reaches up and hugs and kisses me and says, "wipe" as she wipes my tears off. I tried to explain to her why I was sad and she understood. She just kept saying "hugs" and trying to make me feel better. What is this stage? What am I supposed to do? Not only do I know she shouldn't be held all the time, it is hurting me now that I have a huge belly. We have bad battles at night about this while I am cooking and I have had to put her up in her room and let her cry and be sad while I finish making a meal. It makes me terribly sad because... she's not trying to be bad or hard. She just wants to see what I am doing.

A few nights ago, I broke down in tears with Ryan again. People keep telling me that God won't give me more than I can handle. But, sometimes- I feel like he has. If it weren't for my amazing husband and awesome parents, I am not sure how I'd cope. But, I have another one on the way... soon! And let me make this clear... I love my daughter so much it hurts. She's amazing and smart and fun and adorable. But, when I think about the last 20 months, these are the things we have come through:
-colic for 6 months- that means periods of 2-8 hours of intense crying that we couldn't easily soothe- every day.
-No napping for the first 3 months of her life unless I was wearing her and moving. (That's how I lost my pregnancy weight).
-She wouldn't take a bottle so I was the only one who could feed her for 10 months.
- intense hatred of the stroller or sitting- ever
-Nursing strike and biting leading to an unwanted ending to nursing at 10 months.
-Total and continued refusal to drink milk of any kind- formula, soy, cow, coconut, almond, etc.
-Constant eating battles and worry about her being underweight.
-Intense stranger anxiety from 5-9 months old which meant that most of the time, she could only be with me or dad. Leaving her with grandparents meant she cried for much of the time.
-Pulling out chunks of her hair and for a time, eating it. That led to us cutting her hair twice.
-currently- hitting and being aggressive with other kids at times

Whew... I feel like it has just been a lot of battles. But, when I voice that, I feel even more guilty. I don't want it to come across that I dislike being a mom, or that I don't appreciate staying home with my daughter. I cannot imagine not being with her. She's addicting and amazing, even when she is so encompassing and spirited. It's just hard to see so many other relatively easy babies growing up around me and not wonder what we have done wrong.

Yet, our talk at MOPs on Tuesday was about laughing more, and taking time to linger. I realized that I have been wishing away this precious time and these precious stages of Coranelle's life. I keep thinking that it will get easier as she gets older and cannot help but look forward to when she starts pre-school and school. How terrible is that? It is making me miss out on THIS time in her life and all these amazing moments and memories that we have on a daily basis. In reality, it is going by SO fast and I know that when she does start Kindergarten, I will be sad and missing all the time that I got to spend with her when she was younger. So, I am working on shifting my focus and soaking in the good times and all of the great traits that my daughter has.

For example, she is the happiest and cutest little thing in the world when you take her swimming. Her whole face lights up as she goes down the slides and begs to go more and more.

She is amazing with all of her colors and loves to name them on everything. I love that she loves green and always insists on wearing something green- even if it is just a barrette.

She in incredibly intuitive and kind and loves to give out hugs and kisses.

She is a blast at the zoo- searching for the Rhino and talking to the fish and the turtles.

I love coloring and reading with her. She is so engaged and talkative.

She loves racing her cars with Ryan and it is so fun to watch them laying down on their tummies, lining up the cars and cheering.

She's adorable when she sings and dances.

She likes to hug my belly and give baby Sheldon kisses.

I could go on and on about the things she does daily that make me smile. She has really taught me so much about love, life, patience, and joy. I am going to work harder on looking towards the positives and soak up the good moments. And, we'll keep working on fostering her independence so that she doesn't need to be "up" all the time. Okay, my time is up. Venting done and feeling much more positive and relaxed.
Being Sassy.
Talking to the turtle.

A little scare and someone watching

Feeling like I am gaining weight fast! But, I learned the hard way this morning how important it is to listen to your body and not worry about what the scale is saying!

Here are a few pictures pre- sickness and mini crisis.

How is it only Monday afternoon? Whew! Things seem to be a bit out of the ordinary here and it's taking its toll on me. On Saturday, Coranelle came down with a bad cough. It was actually the worse cough I've ever heard her have, and it was alarming. She sounded like a barking seal and we were scared she came down with croup. The crazy thing about Coranelle when she is sick is that it doesn't really slow her down, she just becomes harder to care for. She cries at the drop of a hat and is more stubborn than ever. She wouldn't eat or drink for us this weekend- at all. Really, nothing worked. I tried all her favorites, plus fun smoothies and Dora shaped Chicken noodle soup. But, she rejected everything. And, how do you get better when you aren't drinking or eating. Yikes! So, I called Children's hospital yesterday and found out she didn't have the symptoms of croup, just a bad cold. She has a fever of about 99 and her cough sounds less barking now, and she is breathing okay. But, she's not sleeping great, which means I am worn out and tired of fighting the food battle. I'd like to rest while she is, but she's not sleeping for long. Last night, she proceeded to knock a whole bowl of soup off the table and all over herself and our cloth dining room chair. This morning, she squished orange into the floor and then choked on her own mucus and threw up on me.
So, needless to say, I was preoccupied this morning trying to get her to eat and drink. Ryan's parents were coming over to watch her so that I could enjoy a class at the rec center and go get my third trimester glucose test done without having Coranelle. I am SO glad that they were here this morning and that I didn't bring her with me. So, here's how the morning went after I left her with Grams and PopPops. I got to the rec center to find that everyone else wanted to be there since most people had the day off. So, my step class was super crowded and HOT. I felt fine while doing Step, and then changed into my normal clothes and drank my 10 ounces of orange liquid syrup before my appointment. Part of the procedure requires that you do not eat anything after drinking the liquid. So, I skipped my typical mid-morning snack. I left and talked to my mom and Ryan on the way into the office.

See, I have this friend who had a really traumatic experience with her third trimester glucose test. She had left her older son behind and headed into the doctor to do her test. Something about the combination of the warm car and not having the usual chatting toddler in the car with her allowed her to fall asleep at the wheel and she drove head-on into an oncoming truck. She broke two major bones in her leg and had a really difficult recovery. Thank the Lord she was okay, and so was her baby. To read her whole, incredible story in her own words, see this post http://nothingbutbluesky.blogspot.com/2009_03_01_archive.html
and read starting Friday March 20, 2009. It's an amazing story, but incredibly scary and her words are far better than mine in describing the whole experience. Anyhow, I couldn't help but thinking about her this morning as I was planning to have this test done.

So, I decided to talk to someone on the phone on the way into the hospital for the test. Like my friend, I knew I wouldn't have Coranelle chatting in the back seat and demanding snacks. So, I felt fine as I listened to my mom talk about my little sister's future plans. I went in and checked in at the Lab and they told me they had to wait another 15 minutes before they could take my blood. So, as I was sitting there waiting, I started to feel really hot and dizzy. I really wanted to drink some water or eat something, but you have to wait until after they draw your blood. I put my head between my legs for a bit and started fanning myself. I decided I felt like I might pass out and I was wondering if I would do it while they were drawing blood. I looked up and told the nurse that I was feeling dizzy. She told me to walk with her and she'd find a place for me to lay down. Next thing I knew, I was on a tile floor with three nurses surrounding me in a state of panic. I was really disoriented and felt as if I had dreamed while I was out. I looked up and asked if I had passed out and they all told me that I had. They helped me up into the chair offered me water and juice, but I asked them to draw the blood first. I didn't want to repeat this whole process again. One of the ladies had apparently caught me so I didn't hit the floor or a wall. Thank goodness for her. They told me I had been out cold for about a minute and that had never happened to a patient before someone stuck a needle in their arm. All I could think of was that I was really lucky. This hadn't happened while I was driving, but in the safety of a hospital. Thank the Lord for that. Also, I didn't have Coranelle with me so I didn't drop her when I passed out and she didn't have to be freaked out when her mommy passed out. Yay for grandparents coming out to babysit.

So, once my blood was taken, the nurses called over to my doctor's office (which is in the same building now). My doctor wasn't too worried but said that I could come up for a quick check up if I wanted. I felt okay, and if it was just me, I probably would have just gotten something to eat and gone home. But, passing out with a baby inside is a bit more scary and I thought I would feel better if I got to listen to Sheldon's heartbeat and be reassured that he was okay. So, I went upstairs to my doctor's office. My doctor came out and told me that she wanted me to go get something to eat before she saw me. So, I went down and bought a chef's salad and made a few phone calls. Then, I went back up and had to give a urine sample and have my blood pressure taken. Thankfully, everything was normal and while I waited to see my doctor, I felt Sheldon start to move again. That made me smile and I was glad that the ordeal was almost over. My doctor found a strong heartbeat and wasn't too concerned. She told me that it was a combination of the glucose, not eating anything and exercising. She said it sometimes happens and as long as I wasn't feeling short of breath or chest pressure, everything should be okay. She cleared me to go home.
So, I got home and talked to Ryan's parents for a bit. I just feel like God was protecting us today and I am so thankful that it was just a little scare without serious consequences. I know I have to be sure to not skip my snacks or skimp on breakfast if I want to stay conscious. Things could have been a lot worse today.
Now, I just have to figure out what to feed a sick kiddo. And, when to rest since she slept all of 45 minutes before I got home from the doctor and doesn't seem to be going back down.

Ta da!

So, as promised, I am announcing the name that we have decided on for our son. We reserve the right to change our minds up until or after the little guy arrives, but I doubt that will happen.

Can I just say, picking a boy's name is HARD! And when your daughter's name is Coranelle (which has no actual meaning because the name doesn't really exist except for within the family), picking a name is even harder. How can you have a daughter named Coranelle and a son with a really simple name like Sam, Mike, Bob or Joe? There is nothing wrong with those names, but it doesn't seem to fit with Coranelle. So, we thought about choosing another family name, but then didn't like the names Archibald, Harry, Howard, Edward, or Holger found in the family tree.

So, we looked at our name book over and over and over. And we had a hard time agreeing. Really hard. Let's see- I liked Sawyer (Ryan thought of Lost), I liked Ezekial (Zeke for short), but Ryan wasn't crazy about that. I liked Jonah, Tobias and Sullivan. After contemplating each of these, Ryan wasn't thrilled about any of them.I decided I liked names that started with the letter "S" but couldn't really find anything we both loved.

We had a name picked out for a boy before we knew Coranelle was going to be a girl. We were going to name him Ezra Oliver. Over time, both of us lost our passion for the name Ezra. And Ryan's cousin named her baby boy Oliver, and we didn't want to steal that one. Then I decided (with my Spanish background) that any boy name that ended in an "a" seemed feminine to me. So, that knocked out a few more.

Further, we don't want a really common name. I don't want to have 6 kids in my classes in the future that share the name of my son. Whew! This was getting to be difficult.

Let me warn you, the choosing of our son's name is not really sentimental or spiritual, so don't judge us. One night we were watching the Big Bang Theory. We don't really watch much TV at night. I like watching Parenthood on Tuesdays and that's the only show I would be sad to miss. We often watch the Office on Thursdays because Josh and Claire come over to watch it with us after working out at the gym. But, we sort of stumbled across Big Bang Theory and thought it was amusing. So, we bought the first few seasons on DVD and were going through them. After watching a rather amusing episode, Ryan asked me... "How about Sheldon?" At first, I just kinda laughed because there is a Sheldon on the show and he is the most quirky, nerdy, eccentric, strange genius that could ever have been thought up. He has his PhD in Physics and an IQ of 1000 or something. But, upon hearing the name more, and thinking about it, we both liked the name- a lot! Now, to be clear we are not naming our son after this character in the silly show, that's just what brought the name to our attention. And it doesn't hurt that every time we watch an episode, Sheldon makes me laugh and smile... and there cannot be anything bad about that!

So, Sheldon it is. And we are passing on Ryan's middle name to our son to add a little sentiment to it- also we really like Ryan's middle name. It had a perfect number of syllables, a nice sound and a perfect meaning. So, there it is- Sheldon Christopher Mork. Pretty great, huh? Actually, I don't really need your approval- we think it's pretty great. When Coranelle talks about Baby Sheldon, she calls him Shla-la. I think she'll get it soon, but for now it's cute!

Before we first bounced the name across a few people to see their reaction, Ryan's dad told us that the name should have a good meaning. This is humorous because I think Sheldon means "Steep hill" or "town in a valley". Neither of those meanings has a whole lot of value to us, but we still really like the name. And a name that has made me smile and laugh and look at life a little more light-heartedly during my pregnancy has a good value to me. So there you go... Look forward to meeting little Sheldon Christopher Mork in about 3 months. We're excited!


PS- Now that you know his name- weigh in and let me know your guesses on when the little guy will be born and how much he'll weigh. He is due April 14th. His "big" sister was born on her due date and weighed a whopping 6 pounds 6 ounces. I have thoughts from Ryan, Josh, Claire, Bruce and Heido and will post them all as well as whatever anyone else guesses. We'll see who gets closest!

A spirited child

Thank you so much for the outpouring of support and advice after I posted my last blog. I really appreciate everyone’s thoughts, advice, comments, etc. It is nice to see things through a different set of eyes and experiences. Coranelle is actually doing much better at night and we have to hold strong to not re-entering her room multiple times.

One of my friends told me to check out this book- Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheed Kurcinka. I have honestly stopped reading any books about child rearing because they end up stressing me out more. I feel as if I am falling short and I don’t like comparing my kid to everyone else’s kid. Yet, my friend’s son seems to be very similar to Coranelle and so any advice she gives, I jump on. So, I reserved this one at the library and picked it up today, only to be overwhelmed by someone who just seems to “know” my kid and understand in a way that I haven’t experienced before. It makes me feel less alone in parenting a kid like Coranelle, gives me some insight, and helps me pull my focus to all of her strengths instead of her weaknesses. It’s a tool for understanding. I’m including some tidbits from the book so I have a spot to revisit them, since the book is not mine to highlight and underline and keep. Feel free to skim or skip the next part, but it might give some insight into who Coranelle is and what it feels like to be her parent.

The spirited child: They are normal children who are more intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, and uncomfortable with change than other children. Spirited kids are the Super Ball in a room full of rubber balls. (I really liked that illusion!)

The experience of a parent of a spirited child- joy to exasperation in seconds- ten times a day. On good days, being the parent of a spirited child is astounding, dumbfounding, wonderful, funny, interesting, and interspersed with moments of brilliance. (So So true)

The dreadful days, you’re not sure you can face another 24 hours with them. It’s hard to feel good as a parent when you can’t even keep her socks on, when every word you’ve said has been a reprimand, when the innocent act of serving pizza instead of the expected tacos incites a riot, when you realize you’ve left more public places in a huff when your child is five years than other parents do in a lifetime. Some times it’s hard to love a child who keeps you up at night and embarrasses you at shopping centers. On the bad days, being the parent is frustrating, confusing, taxing, challenging, and guilt inducing. You wonder if you’re the only parent with a kid like this. ( Right on)

Spirited- defined as: lively, creative, keen, eager, full of energy and courage, and having a strong assertive personality.

Of the 5 traits of Spirited kids, Coranelle exhibits “sensitivity” the strongest.

She is “keenly aware, responds quickly to the slightest noises, smells, lights, textures, or changes in mood. She are easily overwhelmed by crowds, shopping centers, and family gatherings. Dressing can be a torture. Every sensation and emotion is absorbed by them, including your feelings, They’ll tell you you’re having a rotten day before you even realize it yourself. (Wow- someone else’s kid is like MINE!)

I’m enjoying reading through this book as it makes me feel less alone as the parent of a spirited child. I may continue to add tidbits from the book to the blog because it is so refreshing to be able to so fully relate to another parent’s situation.

But, I do promise that my next blog will reveal the name we have chosen at this point for our soon-to-be son. It is long overdue and that will come next.

Again, thanks for all the people who warmly offered advice and concern and tips after my last post. I truly appreciate a variety of input and perspectives.

What to change...

We've had a few really frustrating nights with Coranelle and I cannot figure out where I have gone wrong. We have done the usual when preparing for bed: Bath, lotion, PJ's, brush teeth, put oragel on sore gums, vics vapor rub for the remnants of the cold, read two books of Coranelle's choosing, prayers, pacifier, blanket, Doodle (the beloved stuffed dog), tuck in and rub her back while listening to music. Yes, that's the bedtime routine... to me- it seems plenty lengthy, but it's what she's come to expect, so I don't at all mind the half and hour + it takes. The thing is, she is not going to sleep. We haven't changed naps or bedtimes, so we put her down about 5 hours after she gets up from her nap (7:30ish). Given, she's never been one to fall asleep right away. We generally hear her kicking or talking for up to an hour. But, these past few nights, she's not just talking, she's screaming out "Mommy, Daddy". She's crying (hard) and then throwing out her pacifiers and standing up. We've been going in to try to get her to lay down and rub her back again, but she wont lie still- or else she'll scream out for me if Ryan goes in (which is frustrating for both of us). The last two nights, I have even cuddled with her for a bit before putting her down, singing and rocking her. But then she doesn't want to go in her crib. So, the question is, what now? Why this sudden resistance to bedtime? She's not in pain or anything because once you go in her room and pick her up, she's fine. She's just so smart. I'll go in frustrated and she'll want to kiss me and hug me and she'll say "cuddle?" in the cutest way ever. But, I know that her demanding nature has to change. For one, I'd love to have some down time after she goes to bed where I can relax and talk with my husband. Secondly, once the baby arrives, I know I'll be nursing him and getting him settled once she's down and I cannot be going back to her room multiple times. So, we decided we'll just have to sleep train her again and once we leave, we're done. It sounds so harsh, but going in to comfort her is not helping. It's been after 9 each night when she's finally asleep. Thus, I think this week, we'll be letting her cry it out, all over again. Yikes! Any suggestions or thoughts?

I often watch my kid and wonder what I did to influence her to be this demanding, or "encompassing" as my aunt said. I saw a friend this week who tried putting her 14 month old in the church child care for the first time and her daughter did awesome. No hesitation, no problem. Can I remind you, it took us almost 9 months of getting called out of church or rec center activities before Coranelle stayed in. She has recently been fighting that too- crying for a while when I hand her over. Where is this coming from? I have to try to stay strong and continue doing it because I know it's good for both of us. But what happened to her just walking in and saying "bye bye"? Is it just a stage? Talking on the phone is next to impossible because she is either trying to grab it or yell over me. If we are not talking to her or singing with her in the car, she has a terrible time sitting still or sitting quietly. Does she truly understand that her life is going to drastically change when her baby brother arrives, so she is being extra clingy? Is that why she so often still insists on being "UP"? I am just not sure. I'd love to hear some thoughts and advice on how to proceed and how to prepare her for the arrival of her brother in just over 3 months.