Tough

This past Saturday, Ryan and I participated in an event called the Tough Mudder. Wow, what an incredible experience! We covered 11 miles at 8,000 feet or above, and conquered 20 obstacles that were designed by the British Armed Forces. The event was created to test your mental and physical strength, and it did. We plunged into dumpsters full of ice (34 degrees), swam under barrels in freezing mountain ponds, climbed over walls, up and down glaciers, army crawled under barbed wire and electric shock, monkey bars over freezing pools of water, running up a quarter pipe, and so forth. We were cold, tired, and tested. But it was awesome! I have done LOTS of races in the past 15 years and this was my favorite- by far. It was such a rare and wonderful thing to get to do with Ryan. My team was awesome, even if I was the only girl. It was powerful to overcome that with 3 other people. I never felt like my team was frustrated with me or tired of waiting. Nobody was throwing elbows or keeping track of time. People were stopping to help random strangers, striking up conversations, laughing, starting snowball and mud fights, and just enjoying the day. It was so different from any other race I've done in that everyone was helping each other along, not trying to get ahead. Regardless of age, gender, strength, or fitness level, we all just wanted to complete it and make sure those around us completed it as well.

So, I just got to thinking about how life often feels like trying to get through the Tough Mudder. One might compare a toddlers embarrassing tantrum in the middle of King Soopers to the trying to get through the electric shock therapy. You could liken a fight with your spouse to pushing through the "Arctic Enema". Choosing a preschool or school for you kids is a bit like running the "gauntlet" ( 1/2 mile straight down the ski slope and 1/2 straight back up).  Choosing to work or stay at home is like struggling to get over the 8 foot walls. Struggling with your eating issues, taking care of a loved one who is physically or mentally ill, trying to love a loved one with an addiction.... I could go on and on, but you all know what you're battling. The question is, are you battling it alone? Are you trying to crawl up that 10 foot wall on your own, or do you have people around you to hoist you up and over. When you're too shocked to move forward (like I was in the mountain pond), do you have some one yelling at you to keep moving- someone grabbing your hand to pull you though? There were so many times on Saturday that Ryan, Andy or Derrick came along side me to get me over or through something. They pulled me out of cold water, lifted me up the 1/4 pipe, talked me through moments of panic, cheered and pulled me through army crawling in a pit of mud under barbed wire, and so forth. And when we got through it, we all high fived and hugged. After I went through the "electroshock therapy" and my face and back got pounded, they handed me a beer! We are all undoubtably closer after coming through that.

What if we fought through all of these battles and hard decisions together- instead of competing with one another and trying to get ahead? Instead of worrying about our finish time, what if we stopped to help those who are wounded and struggling with a smile, patience and no judgement. What if, instead of thinking we had to get through all of this tough stuff by ourselves, we accepted the helping hands of others? I struggle a lot with this. Early on in motherhood, I thought I should be able to do everything by myself. When I was able to swallow my pride and accept help, life was so much fuller and manageable. This challenge would have been impossible if I had tried to go it alone. Truly, there is no way I could have gotten over a good 1/3 of the obstacles by myself. The guys, sure. They could have completed 99% of it alone. I physically was not tall enough or strong enough to do it. So, I took their helping hands and we pushed through TOGETHER. There was a young man who started in the wave before us who had lost both legs while deployed. While I was huffing and puffing up the mountain, I saw him.  He was pushing his wheel chair like mad up the side of the mountain, and he had a team surrounding him to help him along. So then I was huffing and puffing and crying. They lifted him over 8 foot walls, folks! That kind of camaraderie is so rare, and so precious!   I think life would be a better experience for all of us if we could go through the tough stuff together, lifting each other over obstacles, accepting a hand, lending a hand, cheering each other on, and refusing to "race" or compete.

Thank you to my awesome Turbo Turtles for such a fun experience! I seriously hope your quads are as sore as mine today, because stairs seem a bit like "Everest" to me right now.

approval

First of all, thank you for the outpouring of support, encouragement and kind comments in response to my last post. I am so thankful to know all of you!

I have been meaning to post again for the last few weeks, but summer has hit full force and, I just keep putting it off. We dove deep into vacations, summer camp, dance class, swimming pools, the Bay, play dates, summer reading programs, gardening, bike riding, and training for the hardest race/challenge I've ever done (The Tough Mudder- look it up if you want, but don't judge us http://toughmudder.com/events/colorado-sat-jun-15-sun-jun-16-2013/). The heat and busyness on top of 4 books that I'm currently reading hasn't left much time for blogging.

I wanted to continue blogging about some of the things I have been learning. I just started two new books that I'll recommend here. The first is by a wonderful author, Jen Hatmaker. It's called "Out of the Spin Cycle- Devotions to Lighten your Mother Load". If you are a mother of younger kids, you should read it. She said this in the section I read today, "When we operate from the central concern of being seen a certain way, we can't develop healthy relationships in the messy soil of reality- the only place they'll grow. Presenting a perfect, fake life to others generates fear in our own hearts and intimidation in everyone else's, and creates nice fake relationships- with our friends, with our family members and even with our own children.... Can we admit our failures and stop worrying about what someone might think? Can we allow others to be the same people on the outside that they are on the inside? Can we live real lives in front of each other, imperfect in our humanity but reclaimed through Jesus?"
This is reiterating some of what I've advocated for here in my previous posts, but it also highlights another key component that I am struggling with and have for as long as I can remember-  seeking approval. 

As one might say in an AA meeting, "Hi, my name is Kari and I have an approval addiction". You're probably wondering, Is that a thing? That's what I asked too. It is a thing. And the more I read about it, the more I know that it is a true issue that I have struggled with for a long time. As Joyce Meyer says, "Many people seek the approval of others to try to overcome their feelings of rejection and low self-esteem. They suffer from those feelings and use the addiction to approval to try to remove the pain. They are miserable if anyone seems not to approve of them in any way or for any reason and they are anxious about the disapproval until they feel they are once again accepted. They may do almost anything to gain the approval they feel they have lost..." Approval Addictions.  So, that sums up a huge part of my life. And here's the key- I am slowly learning that God's approval will be all I need.

With that being said, there are wildfires raging in Colorado again. (Yes, there is a tie between these two very different topics- I'll get there). It is eerie to me how similar it feels to last year, at this exact same time. The haze and smoke and news reports bring me back to a year ago right now. I have vivid memories of trying to survive through soccer camp in 100 degree temps and suffocating smoke, with a scared 3 year old who wasn't ready to do soccer camp. As I was reflecting back on the last year today, a few thoughts ran through my head. As I was ruminating, the loudest thought was, "Please no- not a repeat of last year. Not just the fires, but the whole last 12 months.  That was scary and hard and challenging and sad and revealing and raw and I don't want a repeat. I can't do it again." It has been a hard year in many ways. But, as I thought about it more, I thought about all the things that the hard has brought; some really deep, wonderful relationships with new and existing friends. It has brought me so much closer to Ryan and made our marriage stronger and amazingly beautiful in many ways. It has taught me a lot about myself and directed me into a better way of living. The hard has refined me into a better mom- one who loves with more patience and mercy, with more prayer, compassion, less judgment and more laughter (on most days- give me a break, I'm still human). This past year has taught me immeasurable amounts about love and grace. It strengthened my faith and my need for God. And now, I'm learning how to lean and depend less on others' approval and live confidently in the freedom that I am enough.  That might seem like a simple concept to you- living like I am enough. But, it has not been simple for me to learn. It took some breaking and some undoing and I haven't arrived yet- so to speak.

I refined my thinking today. Maybe this next year will be hard too, probably not in the same ways. Afterall, the only constant thing in this world, aside from God, is change.  But if the next 12 months are scary and hard and challenging and sad and revealing and raw, I can just pray that God uses them for as much good as He has the last 12 months. I know that God will continue to bless me with life and peace. I know that the last year broke me, but God used it to draw me closer to him and that intimacy was well worth all the hard things.

On that note, if you're praying people, pray for the fires here in CO and the evacuated people and all those working to fight the fires and keep people safe.

Thanks again for taking this journey with me!