Lumps of Coal Part II- Vulnerability

Brene Brown refers to Theodore Roosevelt's speech "Citizens in a Republic":

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again.

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause;

Who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. 

I recommend Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown to everyone. I also recommend we all try to dare greatly in our own lives. How? You ask. Brown says it is vulnerability- "Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it's understanding the necessity of both; it's engaging. It's being all in."

I was having a conversation with a dear friend the other day. She was processing through a hard situation taking place between her husband and herself and discussing her estranged relationship with her father. Part way into the conversation, she stopped herself. She was afraid that because she was sharing so openly about her situations, that I might judge her husband, their marriage, or her. That struck me. How often am I afraid to be really real, to "be all in", with people because I'm afraid of what they might think of me, my family, my decisions, etc? But when we aren't vulnerable, how can we transform the ways we live, love, parent, lead and connect with others? I want to be the woman who walks into the arena, willing to engage and to risk, rather than sitting on the side judging and giving advice. Brown says, "We must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen. This is vulnerability. This is daring greatly."

Showing up like that makes me open to getting hurt, being disappointed, and my own personal, greatest fear; rejection. That could be messy, uncomfortable and uncertain. What if we could all show up like that? What if we could be real and honest? Would that lessen some of the need to compare our lives, homes, marriages, children, and health to others'?

In the past month or so, I have been able to open up and be more honest and vulnerable. Let me tell you, folks, it may be HARD, but there are some major perks! I have deepened some of my friendships to levels I never thought possible. After my "Lumps of Coal" post, I started e-mailing with someone who has been a part of my life for about 12 years now, that I didn't know very well. My vulnerability seemed to open up a new door of communication and I feel so grateful to be able to share some of my "stuff" with her and hear more about her own "lumps" and how they have shaped and changed her. We are finding more common ground than I realized was there, and we can offer each other support and concern in a new way. It's really exciting and I'm thankful for this opportunity.

Another place that I have learned the power of this vulnerability and connectedness is a place called SHIFT. Wow, I'm a bit nervous even writing about this in a public place. Okay, "a bit nervous" doesn't adequately describe my nerves. I have had this post written for a week and am still not sure if I can hit the "publish" button. Maybe my daring to do this will pave the way for someone else out there to start on a similar journey.

Here it goes! SHIFT is a 12 step recovery group through my church.
http://www.flatironschurch.com/shift/
If your curious, go to the website above because I can't describe this program perfectly. I liken it to AA, but it is recovery for many different issues and situations. My issue (or shall I be really honest and say ONE of my issues) is codependency. If you're like I was a few months ago, you may not even know what that word means- which is ironic because it describes the way I've lived my life for 20 some years pretty well. "Codependency is becoming overly involved, obsessed, entangled or impacted by others' behavior so that our peace and happiness is overly dependent on how these relationships are going". Hmmm- the first time I read that, it really struck me. Some other ways of describing codependents are :

has low self esteem, feel overly responsible for others, have unstable relationships marked by a lack of balance between connection and independence, are masters at repressing feelings, obsess and try to change things that can't be changed, compromise their own values and morals to avoid others' rejection or anger, are perfectionistic, loyal to fault, resilient and ignore their own emotional or physical needs.

Anyone else identify to any of the above? Can I get a "me too". Well, I found a whole support group who says "me too".  I've known these women for 5 months now. I see them only about 3 times a month, and I have made some really deep connections. One awesome aspect of this is that they come from all walks of life- they range in ages, careers, where they live, some single/married/divorced, some moms, some not. Yet, we all connect at Shift. There is a crucial anonymity piece involved that allows one to share things they might not have ever shared with anyone before. And when you can be that vulnerable and honest without ever fearing judgement or that someone is going to try to give you advice or fix you, some deep connections can be made in a very short amount of time. We all go knowing that our lives are broken and messy in some areas, so there truly is NO judgement. Can you imagine what that is like? It's pretty freeing. These people quickly become the people that you can call up any time of night if you face a crisis. You can go to them with anything. It really is quite amazing support.

Getting there took a good amount of courage and "daring greatly". Admitting that it would be helpful and that I was struggling was hard. Harder still was walking through those doors the first time, hardly knowing a soul. Looking back, I am so glad that I showed up. I'm so glad that I let myself been seen and was willing to risk. It's worth it. Since, I've been able to share with incredible people about suffering with loved ones and their addictions, losing loved ones to suicide, battling with cancer and other serious health issues, marital issues, relationships struggles, and so forth. When we're all willing to share these hard and often secret issues, we can glean things from one another . Some have come out from the darkness of the tunnel and can offer hope and wisdom. Some are right there with you in the heart of the issue, saying "me too." Regardless, it's a beautiful and sacred journey to be taking.

So, now that you've seen a glimpse of my lumps and my attempts to "dare greatly",  I'm anxious to hear more of your stories- if you're willing. Or maybe you can take a minute to think about the person or people who you are truly vulnerable with and who have walked along side you through some messy, hard, painful stuff- without judgement. Those people enjoy a little bit of recognition and thanks.  Until then, keep showing up, keep engaging and being willing to risk. Be all in!

Dear Coranelle,

Dear Coranelle,
 Yesterday you turned 4! I didn't expect to feel so emotional at this milestone, but it hit me yesterday. I realized how fast you're growing up and how much we've been through with you. I was remembering all of the trips we've taken, all of the friends you've made, all of the things you've learned to do, and all of the hard times we've come through. You've turned into such a beautiful, strong, intuitive, loving, thoughtful, sweet, caring, bright, spirited child. It has been so fun to see you grow and change and start to make your own decisions and be independent. Daddy and I were talking about how you were born into the perfect family and we are so, incredibly proud of you and honored to be your parents. We've learned a lot from you and from navigating how to parent you. Though we have come through some pretty big challenges with you, I wouldn't change a single minute of the last 4 years. You're my girl, my firstborn and you'll always have a special place in my heart. I love you sweet pea, and I am excited for all of the years to come!
 Love,
Momma

For my readers, stay tuned for part II of "Lumps of Coal"

Happy Memorial Day to you all!

lumps of coal

I was listening to this song yesterday by Plumb. I think it's pretty old.  I originally got the song from a dear friend, Kirstin, on a mixed CD she made me when I turned 21. But, I've always loved the song and identified with it. I heard it a bit differently yesterday than I did years ago. That's the beauty of music, right? So many people can connect with it in so many different ways in various times and circumstances during their lives.

Here is part of the song:

Cold is the throne of her hardened heart
No one has seen the softest part
Day after night she holds an ache
And won't budge to show this secret place
Well is it so wrong to hang on to hurt

Maybe she could set it free

If you've been there you know
If you're still there hang on
We're all dealt our lumps of coal
What you do with it can turn beautiful
Well there's a life outside of this madness
And there's a face behind every scar
But there's a love overflowing with gladness
Get out of that place that's restraining your love
I said get out of that place
That's restraining your love



You can read the whole song and listen to it at the link below:
http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/p/plumb/nice_naive_and_beautiful.html

I really love that line, "we're all dealt our lumps of coal, what you do with it can turn beautiful". How true is that? As I think about my own life, I recognize my lumps of coal as well as the ones I've dealt to others. I also look around me and see close friends and families struggling with health problems, infertility, financial stress, relationship strife, marriage struggles, and so much more. I've seen many of these wonderful people turn their coal into beautiful things that make them stronger and radiant. Am I doing the same with mine? Have I in the past? My postpartum depression, struggles with anxiety or panic attacks, eating disorder, hardships as a mom, struggles as a wife or heartache from having divorced parents- have I turned all of those things into something beautiful? I am not sure. Have I been able to see and share the beauty in these things? Have I been grateful in the midst of the "lumps of coal"? Have I let my broken heartedness help others who are suffering.

Honestly, not always. I have tried and probably failed in many areas. I admittedly have a lot of greed, carelessness and apathy inside of me. But I want to choose to turn that coal into diamonds, I want to "get out of the place that restrains my love and see a love overflowing with gladness". I want to be used to emphatically love and help others because of my own demons and scars.

With that being said, I'd love to hear from some of you- if you're willing. I want to know what lumps of coal you've had in your life. How have you turned them into something beautiful? I can keep these stories confidential, or I can publish them anonymously here so that you might help shed some light for someone else- stranger or friend- through your experience. Maybe you've "been there and you know". Maybe you're still there, trying to "hang on", and there is someone who has already walked a similar path that can encourage you.

If you are courageous and want to share, write me an e-mail here:
karialyssam@gmail.com.
Then we can go from there.

“A diamond is a chunk of coal that is made good under pressure.”
-Henry Kissinger

trying again

How long has it been since I've written? I've had a few people ask me recently if I am going to continue blogging. To be honest, I'm not sure. I'll try again, but it just doesn't serve the same purpose that it once did. It used to be the place where I would confess my frustrations and hardships, my joys and celebrations. Fortunately, I have other outlets for that now and I typically do those things in person with friends and family. Thus, my life and thinking has not been as public for the last year or so. I think that's okay. I think there is a time and season for everything. 

As of late, it has been a more introspective season. It has been a time to re prioritize my time, energy, and thoughts. This season has not been an easy one. And that's okay. I have been learning a lot about myself, relationships, parenting, friendships, marriage, love and God. Grace, mercy, compassion and unconditional love have all been painted and experienced in our lives in profound ways. God is teaching me to rely on Him in a way I never needed to, or knew how to do before. My mistakes, weaknesses and strengths are anchoring me to God. My experiences, decisions, falls and triumphs are becoming ways that I can relate to and connect with others on deep and profound levels. Those connections are exciting and wonderful. It's amazing how close you can be to others when you are vulnerable and real. 

For most of my life, I've lived with protective layers between myself and the rest of the world. I've acted as if things are okay and I was great and didn't need help, when often- nothing could be further from the truth. But something that I am realizing is that it is really freeing to be more real. People seem less intimidated by me and there is an opportunity to be deeper and closer. There is this wonderful opportunity to connect through the "me too" factor. Don't get me wrong, admitting that I am broken and messy is hard and painful. But being willing to feel that pain and address issues is much better than trying to escape it. When you distance yourself from others because you're afraid of getting hurt, hurting someone, or being rejected, you tend to miss out on a lot of exciting, authentic and meaningful relationships. So, I'm embarking on a path of realness and digging deep into the hard things, instead of burying them. Maybe I'll be brave enough to share some of this process with you readers- if you're interested. Maybe it will be an opportunity to grow closer to some of you, too. What are your thoughts on that? Meanwhile, below are some pictures of the last few months. Much love!

Kari