hindsight

Our pastor at church this week said something that really struck me:

" Things always look better in the rear view mirror than in the headlights"- Jim Burgren

How true. As I listened to our pastor's story about his bi-polar wife who struggles with seizures and migraines on top the manic/depressive disorder, I had to step back a little and look at my own life and struggles. Then, my heart was broken by a story from a family in our church who haa a 7 year old daughter with stage 4 cancer.

I am listening to all this, while feeling comfort that my clingy two year old would do fine in her room because she was with her favorite child care worker. This particular worker has had her file stamped "terminal" for years because she has lung cancer- and she is younger than I am and has never smoked a cigarette in her life. She is the one of the sweetest, kindest, most caring people I have ever met. Whew... heavy.

But, I hold on to Jim's quote. If our pastor and a family with a child who has cancer can say that things look better when looking back than they do when looking ahead, than I can say that about our issues too. I just have to have patience in waiting and learning through each situation until I can see it from the rear view mirror.

Already, I can say that my nursing struggles (though they lasted almost 3 months) are over. Sheldon has successfully switched to formula and takes it happily along with some solid foods. I am done nursing and feel relieved and much less stressed out and anxious. We are also in the midst of re sleep- training Sheldon, without his swaddle. Though we had a few rough naps, he seems to be sleeping better without being all bundled up like a burrito. He even has begun to roll over and enjoy the comfort of sleeping on his tummy. (He looks SO adorable, by the way). I can look in my rear view mirror and say that all of those things look so much better!

I have also begun reading a book called " I may frustrate you, but I'm a Keeper", by Ray W Lincoln. I highly recommend this to any parent out there. It basically breaks down the different personalities of kids (and parents), and guides you through how to best parent your child by understanding how your child operates. Those of you who know me well or have been reading this blog since Coranelle was a wee one, you know that she has been... spirited, touchy, ummm, difficult in many ways. Well, I am finally learning a bit more about her temperament and why she acts the way she does. She is unique- no more than two percent of the population has the temperament that Coranelle has. But, two notable people who did- the apostle Paul and Ghandi! Thus to say, she has the opportunity to be brilliant and very influential if we can guide her in the right direction. I am learning how highly emotional and complicated she is, but also how gifted she is and the unusual potential she has with handling people. She is constantly affected by her atmosphere and I pray that we can help to create one that will benefit and help her. I could rattle on for pages about what I am learning about Coranelle, but I won't. I just want to stress that as I look at the first 2 1/2 years of her life, in light of this wonderful book, it all makes sense. I admit that looking into the future (with my headlights), I feel a heavy sense of responsibility. But, I can see her intensity and her fragility and all of the positive things she has done with that in the past and that gives me hope for what the future holds.

I am also reading about my personality, which has the tendency to worry and be pessimistic about anything. I am learning how worry is not a normal or healthy state of mind that we were created to enjoy, but destroys faith and hope. Knowing this makes "lightening up" a priority and enjoying where we are at now, instead of fretting about what the future may hold.

Sorry that this post is disconnected and a bit of rambling, but I wanted to document some of the things I am learning right now to help me keep things in perspective. I hope that you all had a great thanksgiving and are enjoying the holiday season!

it's always something

Grams and C watching Cinderella
The boys!


Out to breakfast with Grams!
The outdoor living room on our trip to Buena Vista!
Enjoying the Mt. Princeton hotsprings on a cold day

Happy Hour with the whole family!

I just briefly read over my last post and think it is funny that I wrote the post on the one day in the past few months that we actually found some relief. Things continue to be rough!

After Sheldon started eating again, he stopped sleeping. I have no idea why or what has caused this, but it's beyond exhausting. For the past few weeks, he has been awake between 4 and 8 times a night. Not just for a few minutes- where I can go put his paci back in and he falls asleep. Sometimes, we are up with him for 2 hours. We try everything... rocking him, walking with him, colic calm, ibuprofen, oragel, unswaddling, moving him to new locations... etc. He seems restless and uncomfortable and we'll find him arching his back and screaming out. We're not sure if it is caused by the sudden addition of solid foods, his formula, over stimulation... We have been working on scaling back the solid foods to two basic things- bananas and sweet potatoes. His formula is for fussiness and gas, so I am not sure that changing it (again) will help. Needless to say, it has been a trying situation- especially on top of the fact that Ryan has been working crazy long hours and Coranelle is showing her defiance in full force these days. It's hard to believe that I could be this tired and sleep deprived when my son is 7 months old. But, we are praying and hoping that Sheldon works through this soon and we can get back to "normal".

He is generally such a happy kid that it is hard that sleep seems to be such and ordeal. He is waking much more often during naps too, and is hard to soothe back to sleep. One of the few things that works (which could quickly get us into trouble), is to move him onto our bed and tuck a sheet over him and turn the bathroom fan on. For some reason, this sometimes helps him go back to sleep during naps. ??? I don't know why it works, but I have allowed it out of desperation.

Fortunately- the last two nights, we have only been up with him once or twice and that makes a huge difference. Any thoughts or suggestions?

On a much happier and lighter note- we did enjoy a little getaway this past weekend with Ryan's parents. The weather was freezing and windy, so we didn't get much walking or playing outside in. But, we did have a chance to relax, chat, play with the kids, enjoy daddy being around and soak up good views and a change of pace.

Relief!

At the Flatirons Fall Fest. Insane, but we had a good time.
Sheldon's new self- happy, satiated and smiling!
Coranelle's new night light. It's a blue moon at night and you set the alarm so that it lights up like the sun when it is okay to wake.
Her new big girl bed! She's done really well in it. (Except last night after trick or treating, when she wouldn't sleep until about 10:45 because she was just too excited!)


Well, things got worse before they got better. But, no matter... things have gotten better! Sheldon proceeded to go on a nursing strike, along with refusing formula and solid foods. Each feeding would take over an hour, as I tried to nurse Sheldon in various dark, quiet places- multiple times. When he pulled away and screamed time after time, I'd give up and try to offer a bottle of formula. He'd refuse that. Then, I'd try solid foods and he'd glue his mouth shut and cry! So, I'd try to pump and typically wouldn't let down. So, hesitantly... I'd have to thaw out some of my quickly dwindling supply of frozen breast milk. At times, he'd take that in a bottle. At that point, I'd be beyond frustrated. Truthfully, I'd be angry at Sheldon- which I am fully aware, makes no sense. It's not rational, as he is an innocent baby and he's not trying to be difficult or defiant. Regardless, I was stressed, mad, and exhausted. To top it off, I was feeling really guilty that I was not spending any quality time with Sheldon- we were just battling about eating. Further, Coranelle was being ignored completely as we went through the hour and a half charade of feeding- 6 times a day.

On Thursday, I told Ryan that if Sheldon refused to nurse 2 more times, I was done nursing. At that point, I felt that the benefits of nursing were not worth the ill effects it was having on our whole family. Sure enough, Sheldon refused the next two feedings and I vowed to be done with the battle.

At this point, here's what is going on;
I nurse Sheldon each morning when he wakes, as this is the only feeding he doesn't resist. For the next 5 feedings, he gets a bottle. Right now, the bottle is 2 ounces of my milk, and 3 ounces of similac formula. Surprisingly, he seems to actually like this mixture and can suck it down in a matter of minutes. To keep up my stores of milk to add to the formula, I am still pumping 2 times a day for now- at nap and after the kids go to bed. This will end as we slowly decrease my milk in his bottle and transition over to all formula. This new routine has helped us all SO much. I just have a huge load off my shoulders. Instead of racing into Sheldon's room before he wakes from a nap to try to nurse him when he is still only semi-conscious and cannot fight me, I can let him sleep. When he wakes, he and I can play and cuddle until he seems hungry and then I make up a bottle. Rather than hiding in a quiet dark room every time I feed, I can feed him a bottle while sitting at the dinner table with my family, or outside while Coranelle and Ryan are raking leaves. I am enjoying feeds SO much more now! The overall mood in our house is so much lighter and happier! This weekend, Sheldon was a really happy kid and he and Coranelle would get into little fits of giggles. Priceless!

For some strange reason, when I quit nursing, Sheldon decided he liked solid foods. I'm not sure if this is coincidental or linked, but Friday, he decided that he loved sweet potatoes. Ever since, he has been eating solids three times a day- like a champ. Bananas, applesauce, squash, sweet potatoes, and more. It makes us SO happy to see our little man eating and wetting diapers and happy again!

Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, support and advice through this almost 2 month feeding struggle. Continue praying that we can switch him over to formula and I can be done pumping and washing pump pieces!