venting

Our child who loves the outdoors. This was our hike this past weekend up to Lost Lake with some friends of ours. Coranelle did great!

This is a picture of Coranelle praying- I'd like to think she is praying for me- her mommy! I think I need a little prayer!


Warning- this is not a cheerful, happy blog... but I am being honest. If you want positive, you might want to skip reading this. If you want real, scroll down.

You have good days, and you have bad days- as a parent, as a teacher, as a wife, as a student, as a human. Today is one of those bad days as a parent. Coranelle has been awake and crying (unless she is eating) since 10:20 and it is now 2:20pm. I know, she used to cry longer when she was a newborn, but I truly thought that we had moved past that stage. I am going crazy trying to get her to sleep, which is so clearly what she needs. She went for a walk with me this morning and one of my former HS girls that I worked with through First Pres. She did fine, so long as she was in the baby bjorn and we were moving. As soon as we stopped, she lost it. Then, I fed her and tried to take her to visit Grams at school to see some of the teachers I knew from student teaching. Coranelle melted down immediately after going into the school and continued to fuss and cry the whole time we were there. I think every teacher in the school knew that we were there. When I tried to hand her over to Heido, she just got more upset. What is that about? Do babies have "stranger anxiety" at 3 months? And Heidi is NOT a stranger. Anyhow, we came home and she cried all the way home. I decided to feed her earlier than the 3 hours that is typical and she finished and immediately started screaming. She was so upset, she wouldn't take the pacifier or settle into a nap, whether I rocked her, bounced her or let her watch her mobile.
Now, my blood pressure must be up sky- high and I feel like I pulled an all-nighter or something. And what is so perplexing is that yesterday- during the day- she was great. My mom came out and we walked with her (in the stroller) and she fell asleep. After she ate, we played with her for quite a while and got lots of smiles. Then, after a nap, she and I drove to see Ryan and brought him coffee and zuchinni brownies and she met some of his co-workers. She did great and never fussed. I thought maybe we had hit a turning point, until about 5pm when Ryan came home and she refused to take a nap- despite being so exhausted. So, we held our breath and let her cry herself to sleep- only to have her wake up 15 minutes later- hungry. Geez!
I have to wonder, is her fowl mood today because I messed up her schedule to meet a friend? If so, how will I ever get out to see people? We cannot stay at home for all of her naps- or.... if we did, I would go crazy. For example, tomorrow there is the mom-and-me stroller class at the gym. Do I take the chance and go, despite the fact that it is likely that she'll scream bloody murder the whole time. Or, do I stay home and not get to see any of my other mom friends and their May babies.
I was reading my friend Heidi's blog about her first son and his behavior and it was amazing how similar her son was to Coranelle. I feel as if someone was writing about my child. She had one post about taking her son to the doctor and having to shout over the baby's cries to the doctor. Check- been there, done that. So many things about her son are so much like Coranelle- the overstimulation, the overtiredness, trying everything to battle the child's fight against the much needed sleep. She said her son's turning point was 6 months. Can I do this that long? Oh, it can be so hard. I desperately try not to compare my child to other children, but it is extremely difficult to see and hear about these easy going babies, and then watch mine melt down if I stop bouncing her for half a second. I am weary of being afraid to take her places to avoid her meltdowns. We have yet to take her to a restaurant with us because she will not sit in her car seat for a minute without crying unless it is in the moving car. I get anxious to take her to get togethers, weddings, events, etc. I cannot seem to get a full conversation in with anyone because I am constantly switching positions to soothe her. It makes me feel lonely when I walk and talk with other new moms and they push their babies- peacefully sleeping and perfectly capable to keep their pacifiers in their mouths. I knew parenting would be hard, but really, I didn't expect it to be this hard. I never imagined so much crying or so much exhaustion and frustration. And it cannot go on forever- I realize that. She'll have to get over this and allow me to take her into the grocery store without screaming. Eventually... right? Because the current- put her in the baby bjorn and try to shop while holding her pacifier in her mouth with one hand and push the cart, grab items and pay with the other, gets a little stressful.
Let me reassure you, I love Coranelle with my whole heart. I am so thankful and blessed that she is healthy. I know that there are people who are dealing with a lot worse things in their lives than a fussy child. Early this morning, I was watching her with love and devotion as she happily batted at her cow and ladybug on her playmat- hugely impressed by her coordination and how she is growing up. I am really trying to do the best I can to keep her on a schedule and still spend time with and the rest of my family and friends. I am trying my best to relax and be patient so that she doesn't feed off of my anxiety or stress. But, am I even in the right ballfield? I know there is no manual for your child, and now I have infinite respect for our parents and what they went through raising us. I sit here in tears thinking about how much I love my daughter and how I SO want her to be happy. I feel inadequate as her mom, as a wife, daughter and friend. But, these are the times when I have to accept my weakness and let the Lord be strong. I know He is here in my weeping and my hurting. I know that along with the bad days, there are many good days. Coranelle is finally sleeping (for the moment) and I can only pray that she wakes up with her beautiful smile!

authentic community

Hanging out in the park one evening this week. Our daughter is pretty content outside!
Her new favorite thing- being put on a blanket in the grass.
Love the smiles!
Gazing at my baby lovingly- so happy to have such a precious family!
Hanging out with daddy!

At church on Sunday, the sermon was about one of the principles that our church believes in- Authentic Community. In our pastor's words, this is sharing real life together. Our pastor spoke to us about who our 2am people are. You know, those people whom you can call at 2am when something goes wrong or you just need to talk. Ryan and I realized that we need to reach out so that we can be more peoples' 2am couple, just as we can have some more people that would be our 2am people. We know we can call Josh and Claire, and both sets of parents. And, that is a huge gift and blessing, and have always been there for us. Yet, it seems important for us to connect with some more people that have young kids and are on a similar page in their lives. Not that we want to give up spending time with our friends that don't have kids- because we certainly don't. We just want to try to get more hooked in with our church and community and build some strong relationships. So, this week was about seeking that out. On Thursday, I met with a stay-at-home moms group through our church. Most of the mothers had at least 2 kids, but it was fun to get to know some other moms in the area and hear their perspective on babies, kids, growing up, stages, etc. One of the pastor's wives was there with her 3 kids- her youngest only a few days younger than Coranelle. I enjoyed spending time with them and think I will continue to try to make it to this group. Last night, we went to a backyard BBQ with other families that go to our church and live in Broomfield. It was really fun and we enjoyed getting to know people in our community of all different ages. It makes our church feel a little smaller and feel a little more like a family. We have another couple that lives in Broomfield that has an adorable 5 month old boy. We are hoping to try and find 1 or 2 more couples with young kids so that we can start a bible study. If we have other young parents, it will be okay when a baby breaks down in the middle of study, or needs a diaper change or a walk around the block!
Last weekend, we went up to Estes Park for Stefan and Rachael's engagement party. It was fun to be up there and celebrate with them. They make such a fantastic couple and we are so happy for them! They are also a great uncle and aunt to Coranelle. Coranelle decided she didn't want to be at their party and cried for over an hour before she finally wore herself out and fell asleep on Grandpa Steve. She definitely has her good and bad days. I don't know if there were too many people there and too much stimulation, or if she was in pain. Always a guessing game. She does have more "happy" periods, but is still a fussy child. Wednesday, she spent the morning with me and Grandmadele in Boulder. She did great as we walked up the canyon and she nursed by the river. But, as soon as we put her in the stroller so that we could go for a walk down Pearl St. and do some shopping, she had a melt down. So, I went in the store by myself and mom hung out with Coranelle- who was fine, once she was out of the stroller and lying on a blanket in the grass. That seems to be her new thing. Looking around outside, playing on her back. Then, she was all smiles. Then, today at "mom-and-me" stroller class, she screamed the whole time she was in the stroller. It is hard, because all of the other babies were either content, or sleeping. So, I finally took her out of the stroller and just walked her around the track- and then she was fine. But, I couldn't do any of the running or skipping- as I was holding her. I don't want to skip the class because she cries, because that is my chance to see the moms I met in my yoga class and all 3 other May babies. But, Coranelle cannot seem to take the class. Frustrating! I hope she grows out of it soon.
I think Ryan and I get a date night tonight, as Grams and PopPops have agreed to come over to hang out with Coranelle. I have 3 ounces of pumped freedom (milk) so that we could go grab dinner and see a movie. I am excited to spend some time with my hubby! But, as always, I'll miss my little girl!
I hope that you are all doing well. Thanks for reading!

pictures of momma's birthday celebrations

Ryan took the day off for my birthday. We went to Ozo to get coffee and then enjoyed a walk in the rain up Boulder Canyon.
My "glow worm" all bundled up and smiling.
Hanging out in REI waiting for everyone to meet up before getting sandwiches at Which Wich.
Waiting for sandwiches and shakes at Which Wich. A very cold July 29th!
Hanging out on the blanket before the birthday celebrations started.
Modified tummy time. She'll spend a little more time on her tummy if she doesn't have her face slammed into the ground. I think she looks a bit like me here! (When I was a baby!)
Mork birthday celebration. We went to hear some live music in the park in Boulder and had picnic dinners. Coranelle was receiving lots of attention! I was showing Josh how she holds her hand when she sucks on her fist.
Lots of love!
Chillin' with dadd-o!
Hangin' with unckie Josh
My yummy chocolate cake!
"Look Momma- I'm eating my fist! Yummy!"

2 month birthday!

making breakfast- eggs, bagels and bacon over the fire- yummm!
Grandpa Steve hanging out with Coranelle while we ate breakfast
making mint chocolate ice cream in the ice cream ball
hanging out in the motorhome with gammadele
our 17 mile bike ride around twin lakes on the Colorado trail. A hard ride for my first ride -post baby.
We took a dip in the lake to cool off during the bike ride. It was so fun to have Rachael to bike with! She rocks on a mtn. bike and now I have another girl that will bike with me.
The lovely engaged couple. They are so fun and we are so happy for them! Rachael is going to make an awesome sister and auntie!
Proud daddy in the am. His little girl slept well in her plastic box!
Waking up with my precious family in the tent.
Love this photo! All smiles and sporting her buff hatt!
This was Coranelle's bed- a clear plastic tupperware. She loved it. She slept great! 7 hours one night, 7 1/2 the other. We bundled her up in 3 blankets and a hat and she must have loved the mountain air and the sound of the rain. She was quite a trooper!
Auntie Rachael has a magic touch with Coranelle. So fun to hold a peaceful, sleeping baby!
Gammadele hanging with Coranelle, blocking the sun and swatting away the mosquitos. Grandma and Grandpa had a good time with their granddaughter!


So, Coranelle turned 2 months old on Sunday. She'll be 9 weeks old tomorrow! To celebrate, we went on a family camping trip. We took Coranelle up to Twin Lakes, Colorado- just past Leadville. It was gorgeous and we had a blast. We stayed at Perry Peaks campground with my mom, Steve, Rachael and Stefan. It was a great, first trip for Coranelle. It was wonderful to have lots of people there so that Coranelle could be passed off from one person to another. She was a little fussy in the evenings, but between the 6 of us, someone could always walk/bounce/cuddle her in order to soothe her. Saturday, Mom and Steve offered to take Coranelle so that we could go bike riding. It was so fun to be able to take off on our bikes and not have to worry about her. We knew she was in great hands. So, while we rode, Coranelle went hiking with her grandparents. Steve carried her in the baby bjorn and she did awesome. They also fed her a bottle of pumped breast milk. I hear she was really happy and playful! Meanwhile, I took my first bike ride since March. Whew! It was a hard one, but gorgeous. We rode down into Twin Lakes from our campground and all the way around the lakes and back up on single track (the Colorado Trail). We stopped at mile 6 and jumped in the lake to cool off. So fun! It was a beautiful and fun trail and I loved having Rachael to ride with. We both got tuckered out by about mile 13 and struggled through the end. It was great to have another girl with me so that I wasn't the only one playing catch up. Ryan and I are so glad that she and Stefan have each other! They are such a perfect match for each other and seem to be so happy.
Saturday afternoon, we took bucket baths after getting so sweaty from our ride. It was cloudy and cold, so the water from the drinking pump in the campground was extremely cold. But, it felt good to be clean. We also took the ice cream ball and made vanilla ice cream with mint dark chocolate chunks. It was a delicious treat. We then enjoyed hours of rain and hung out reading, chatting and playing games. Coranelle was enjoying all the attention and giving lots of smiles. She has been a lot of places and seen lots of people in her 2 months! She enjoyed a fire and making eggs, bacon, and toasted bagels and muffins for breakfast. Unfortunately, I-70 was like a parking lot on the way home, so we were all a little restless after a 2 1/2 hour drive took us 5 hours. We had to stop and feed her in Idaho Springs, but she did awesome!
Today, she went into the pediatrician to get her shots. Ugggg! Not fun. She was crying the whole time we were there- way before the shots. She got herself so worked up, it was hard to hear our doctor. She's doing well. She's got some eczema and craddle cap, but nothing too serious. She is gaining weight at a good rate, but is still very long and skinny. She now weighs 9 pounds 12 ounces. That puts her in the 22nd percentile. (She was born at 6 pounds, 6 ounces). She is 23 inches long, which puts her in the 75th percentile. Her head is 15, 33rd percentile. So, a thin child. Her weight to height ratio makes her underweight, but since she is gaining weight at a good rate, we have nothing to worry about. It is so funny- how could I (someone short and round/curvy) have a tall, skinny baby? It will be so interesting to see what a perfect, gorgeous girl she grows up to be! For her shots, she got HepB, HIB, Polio, DTAP, Prevnar, and Rototeq. Two shots- one in each thigh and an oral and she really screamed! Whew! That is hard to watch! But, we cuddled and she calmed down- nursed it out when we got home. Now she is sleeping soundly. I hope she doesn't break a fever or become too fussy in the next day or so. Man, it's hard to watch someone put your baby in pain. But, much better to get the shot and be a little sore and get any of those horrible diseases/ viruses.
Not much else to report. Coranelle is doing great and becoming more attentive and more fun to play with. We are enjoying her so much!

Some adorable pictures

Classic Coranelle Wide Eyes. No wonder she gets over stimulated!
Shake it sweetie! She's a-dancin'!
More smiles. She's getting a chubbier face- making her look a bit more like me. ;-)
Grams is boring her here.
More dancing!

These pictures are all of Coranelle hanging out with Grams (Heido) while I went over to CostCo to get my annual eye exam so that I can order some contacts. I thought I took care of all of those things before I had Coranelle, but didn't realize that my prescription only lasted a year. Oh well, Coranelle had fun with Grams and Grams got some great photos of her.
We love Coranelle's smiles and happy times in the morning! She is addicting when she smiles that big! She is also growing up a little and she seems to do a little better in the swing and the stroller now. I am not sure if it is because of the zantax or because she is just a bit more content. Whatever the reason, it's nice. She even held up through most of a mommy and me stroller class at the rec center today. She and her little friend Adalaide were super entertaining. As soon as one would fuss, the other would feel empathetic and fuss along with the crier. When Adalaide's parents were over at our house on Saturday, it was the same situation. It will be fun when the two girls are aware of each other and can interact with one another a bit more.
I had another post-pardom moment this weekend. I had received an e-mail from Ryan a month ago about a deck party one of his co-workers was having. He asked if I wanted to go, and I said "sure!". So, I wrote the date down in my planner. But, after the pediatrician fiasco, I decided I needed a new system for keeping track of engagements. So, I transfered everything from my planner to a wall calendar in the bedroom. Now that I am not at work, I look at that much more frequently than my planner. The only problem was... the weeks on my planner go from Mon-Sun. The weeks on the Calendar go from Sunday to Saturday. So, I put the deck party on Fri night instead of Sat. But, I was all ready to go and even had Heidi stay with Coranelle so I could go buy lots of fancy fruit for a good fruit salad to bring. So, Friday night, we loaded up the brownies, the fruit salad and got Coranelle all cute and ready for a party. When we arrived to the party half an hour after it should have started, there were no other cars at the house. And, the hosts were just getting home from work. Ummm, ooops! They got out of their car and looked at us- very confused. They told us the party was Saturday night and we left feeling humiliated. I had another melt down. I wasn't allowing myself to mess up another date or time. I had done it once- how did I screw it up again?! I can look at it now and laugh, but it seemed horrible at the time. Oh well, we made it the next night breifly- with a new fruit salad and blushing faces.
Not much else is new. We are taking Coranelle camping this weekend, so I am really excited for that. I skipped my first feeding yesterday when I went into Boulder for a friend's bachelorette brunch. Ryan successfully fed her a bottle of pumped milk and did great with his daughter. It is nice that I can leave her for more than three hours- if necessary.
Thanks for reading and have a great week!

7 weeks +

Gotta love the smiles and the adorable bow! Seriously, that smile melts my heart!
Climbing rocks at Garden of the Gods with my cousin's kiddos.
Grandpa Steve wearing Coranelle in the baby bjorn.
My cousin Gibby getting Coranelle to take a bottle.
Wide eyes (as always!)

Why is it that a simple smile can bring sunshine and joy to your heart in an instant. My daughter's smile is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Just thinking about it makes my heart swell with joy. Coranelle has been smiling a bit more and I love that! The medicine seems to be helping some- as her cries are not as pained and not as often. She is still fussy in the evenings, but that is normal. She also seems pained right before she poops. One of Pam's friends was holding her today when she was crying. She said she felt her stomach get really hard and then she blew out and dirtied her diaper. It's like her system is still not fully mature and she is in pain sometimes. Poor girl. But, everyone keeps telling us that it goes away by 3 months. I hope for Coranelle's sake that this is true. I want her to be happy. We have so much fun when she is happy- and it makes me sad when she is upset.
She has been a busy girl. Yesterday, Mom, Steve, Coranelle and I went to Colorado Springs to visit my aunt, my cousin and my cousin's 4 kids. We went and explored Garden of the God's and hung out at my aunt's house. It was a big day for Coranelle, but she got to meet lots of great people. Today, we went to Longmont to see a friend's new home and go for a walk with my mom and Heido, Pam and her friend Laura.
Tuesday, we went to our breast feeding group. Coranelle is now 9 pounds and continues to gain an ounce a day! I am very thankful that she is gaining weight and the breastfeeding is going well. Anyhow, I took Coranelle's diaper off and put her on the scale. I picked her up to take her over to the "circle" to put all of her clothes on. As we were walking, she decided that it was an opportune time to pee- all down mommy's front side. It was a bit shocking, and it kept coming, soaking through my light colored khaki shorts. I had to laugh, as I had never experienced that before. I have extra clothes packed for her, but not for me. Needless to say, I did not go out to lunch with the other mothers- as planned. I looked as if I had peed myself. Funny child!
I have started going back to body pump at our Rec Center with a friend who has a 4 month old. It feels great to be able to lift and do classes again. Ryan has agreed to take Coranelle Tuesday evenings so that I can go. I hope to tone up a bit and try to get my stomach to go back to normal a bit. The first few classes have been hard, as I haven't done abs or lifted anything for 8 months! I also got out for my first little runs these last few days and that has felt great. I cannot wait until Coranelle can sit up and I can take her out in the running stroller.
Not much else to report. I am enjoying motherhood more and more as time goes on. I leave my daughter for an hour and my arms feel empty and I miss her. I am so addicted to her!

6 + weeks

hanging out in the vibrating papasan in just a diaper trying to get rid of her heat rash
I love the chubby face here!
We were at a friend's house and Coranelle was enjoying the bouncy chair of her friend who is just two weeks older than she is. We loved how she matched the chair!


It's been a while since I wrote, so I need to catch up on how things have been for the last week and a half. We have been pretty busy- Coranelle is out and about quite a bit for a baby who is only 6 weeks old! We've been walking with a friend I made from prenatal yoga. Ryan, Coranelle and I went over to their house to have dinner with her, her husband and her daughter Adalaide. It is fun to meet some other young parents who know what it's like to have a baby start crying right as you're sitting down to dinner. They are a fun couple and we are planning to have them over to our house next weekend. I have also been going to a breast-feeding group with my friend Krista. It is cool because you get to weigh your baby on the hospital scales every week and see how they are gaining. Plus, it is a chance to talk to other moms and the lactation consultant. Coranelle is consistently gaining an ounce a day. On friday, Coranelle weighed 8 pounds, 14 ounces. She's doing great! After our group on Tuesday, I went to lunch with some of the other moms and babies. It was the first time I took Coranelle to a restaurant. She feel asleep on the way over there, so she did great for a while. When she got hungry, she had a bit of a melt down and so we went home.
Wednesday, I went to a New Mom's luncheon at Avista. There were about 12 other moms there that had delivered in May. Their babies were all there. Their babies were all calm and content and quiet. None of the babies were crying, except mine. Coranelle was upset from the moment that we got there. I tried walking her, bouncing her, getting her to take the pacifier, etc. But, she was just upset. So, one of the lactation consultants offered to take her so that I could enjoy my lunch. Coranelle proceeded to cry. Then she got passed off to another lacation consultant and later, to another nurse. They all tried, with no success, to soothe her. Meanwhile, I could not actually enjoy my lunch or listen to the other moms when I was listening to my baby cry. So, 45 minutes pass and I go to one of the lacation consultants to reclaim my baby. The consultant was very concerned about how much Coranelle was crying and asked me if I had taken her to her pediatrician yet. I then panicked- feeling like a horrible mom to have not done something sooner. I told her that people just kept telling me that babies cry, and that was normal. The lady proceeded to tell me that Coranelle's crying was NOT normal and it seemed as if she was in pain. Well, then I lost it. I felt terrible that my daughter has been in pain and I have mistaken it for fussiness. So, I broke down and started sobbing to this stranger, telling her how much it hurts me when she cries. She told me to see the doctor because she thought Coranelle has reflux. So, I took Coranelle back into the luncheon with a tear streaked face and got to face all of the moms who were giving me pitied smiles. I felt defensive- thinking that there was nothing wrong with my child- but at the same time wondering why all of the rest of the babies were so placid and calm. So, what was to be an encouraging luncheon turned out to be something that made me a super emotional wreck. I called my pediatrician on the way home and proceeded to do a bunch of research on reflux. Coranelle is not vomiting or spitting up a lot, but she does have lots of hiccups and cries and is fussy during and after feedings. It may be that there is a sphincter muscle in her esophagus that is not fully developed and it is allowing acid to burn her throat. I cried 4 or 5 times Thursday when I told Ryan, Amanda and my mom the situation.
I have truly realized what it feels like to have such a deep connection with your child. When your child hurts, it breaks your heart. It is an undescribable feeling that I never would have imagined before being a mom. And, my mom was crying on the phone while she listened to me cry because I was upset that my baby was hurting. 3 generations of tears and an indescribable bond.
We took Coranelle to the doctor yesterday. After asking lots of questions and watching her and listening to her and checking her out, our pediatrician told us that Coranelle has a mild case of Colic and is border line reflux. He said she reminded him a lot of his own son, crying so much and needing so much attention. He said the first three months of his son's life were really rough on them. His wife was dead set against giving him any medicine, but our doctor said he would have tried something. So, we decided (hesitantly) to try some low dose zantax for week to see if it makes her any happier. I hate to put my 6 week old on drugs, but on the other hand, if it makes her be in less pain, it's worth a try. I am really hoping that she can grow out of the reflux and be a little more content. The doctor was surprised when I told him that one day she cried for 9 hours- unless she was feeding. That is where the mild colic diagnosis came from.
Despite the challenges that we are facing with all of the tears, we love our baby more and more each day. The grandmas are determined that she is perfect and that there is nothing wrong with her. They are protective of her in such a loving and unique way. It is fun to see our moms interact with her because it gives us a glimpse of how they took care of us- 24 years ago. I couldn't do this without their support right now!
I think she will get happier as she gets older and bigger, but it is hard to see her cry so much. We are taking her to a wedding tonight- and I am worried about how she will do. She may end up in the baby bjorn all evening with me bouncing her around. Hopefully she doesn't disrupt the ceremony too much!