Grandmadele and Sheldon giggling together
Super Duper Underdogs!
Love this girl!
My boy loves the swing!

A trip to the butterfly pavilion
Looking at the butterflies eating the nectar

Trying to get a picture in front of the awesome flowers, but it was too bright!


"Family isn't a static thing. There are always changes going on. Like with continents, sometimes the changes are invisible and underground, and sometimes they are explosive and deadly. The trick is to keep your balance. You cannot control the direction of your family any more than you can stop the continental shelf from breaking apart. All you can do is hold on for the ride." -Kristen Hannah from The Winter Garden

I just finished the book, The Winter Garden by Kristen Hannah. It was a really powerful book about mother daughter relationships throughout 4 generations. Part of the book took place in Leningrad (now St. Petersburg), during WWII when the Germans were bombing. It was a striking tale of the strength of women during the war and their ability to support their families and survive. Anyhow, the above quote really caught my attention and I have been thinking about it a lot recently.

Tonight, I took Sheldon to church with me. Ryan is out of town with some friends on a mountain biking trip and my mom and Steve took Coranelle for a special sleepover. So, I get some quality time with my boy. I, once again, attempted putting Sheldon in the nursery and was, once again, called out almost immediately. I went to "rescue" my screaming, red faced, hyperventilating child. It turned out that I couldn't concentrate on more than a few minutes of the sermon in the busy, cry room. And then I attempted to nurse him and failed miserably. He was too distracted and I did not let down. So, I left early to come home to nurse and pump. Whew.... Kind of a wash.

I am a bit frustrated that Sheldon is going through the same intense attachment that Coranelle did. I would selfishly love to leave him and enjoy a church service, an hour at the gym, or even a morning at Mops. But, I don't foresee that happening successfully any time in the near future. I suppose I could get really bent out of shape about the situation. But, like the quote says, there are some things that you just cannot control. I just have to hold on for the ride. I need to keep in mind that Coranelle went through the same thing and eventually (6 months later) got over it. Sheldon will grow up quickly- too quickly. I won't be able to hold him on my lap and listen to him babble and chew on his toys for much longer. I need to cherish this moments and stop looking forward to the next step or when my kids are older. In reality, they are constantly changing. I should feel a little flattered that my son is most comfortable with me, because that wont always be the case.

The books I have been reading recently have put my recent trials with my kids into perspective. I am not living in a war torn country with people starving and freezing to death all around me. I don't live with the fear or effects of a horrible disease. I am really lucky to have the healthy, happy family that I do and live in such a beautiful, safe place.

I am going continue to really work on giving up the need and desire to control all of these crazy situations that I deal with as a mom, and enjoy the ride.

The power of friends

This past week was a rough one. I was utterly and completely frustrated with my own body and my inability to do something that should be so natural and basic. I've been having trouble nursing Sheldon and it has taken its toll on me, my sanity and our family.

The issue is hard to explain to men and to those who haven't nursed. Basically, I have the milk (I'm pretty sure), but it won't "let down". My body is not telling my mind to release the milk for Sheldon. So, Sheldon sucks and sucks and gets very mad and fussy because it's taking too long for his meal to arrive. The longer it takes and the more he cries, the more stressed out I get- which makes the situation worse. You see, one needs to be relaxed and calm in order to let down their milk, so we have arrived at a sort of catch 22. At this point, I go into each feeding (6 times a day), wondering if we will be successful, or it I'll have to warm up a bottle of my quickly dwindling supply of breast milk. I am trying all sorts of things to help- nursing in a quiet dark room (when I can), pumping on one side while nursing on the other so there is continued stimulation even though Sheldon keeps popping off, fenugreen, mother's milk tea, relaxation methods, etc. The pumping seems to be the most successful thing, but I am not sure how I will manage to nurse Sheldon anywhere but at home, if this continues.

All the energy and work it is taking to nurse, pump, wash pumps and bottles, keep Coranelle entertained during the whole charade- is really taking its toll. I just want to be able to feed my baby. The entire situation had created quite a bit of anxiety, and feeling THIS anxious is new to me. Sometimes I find it hard to catch my breath, sleep well, and cannot fully calm myself down. I start worrying about how much milk Sheldon is getting, if I'll have to stop nursing, if he'll take formula, how little Coranelle eats, how poorly she's sleeping, her bad behavior in the evening when Ryan is home, all of the chores left un-done... etc. These worries seem to be snowballing into things like- will Coranelle and I have a good relationship when she's a teenager, will she have nice friends?, will I find a good preschool for her?, how will I find a job when I'm ready to go back to work?, will my kids marry nice people?, etc. Reading back over this list, I can honestly say, it doesn't make any sense to be fretting about all of this. It's irrational really. What can I do about any of that right now? I know, but I am just being honest in how my mind is behaving these days.

Anyhow, on Wednesday morning, I sent out an e-mail to a handful of good friends asking for nursing advice and prayers. I was completely blown away by the responses from my friends. Each and every one of them wrote back, visited, brought gifts, called or offered to help in some way. Immediately, I was surrounded by support, encouragement, kind words, suggestions, and overwhelming generosity. Friends shared their own stories about nursing and anxiety and helped me not to feel alone. I was completely amazed at how wonderful my friends are- many of them only knowing me for 10 months. As I read and listened to their own stories, it really struck me how strong mothers are. How many trials they have muddled through with a smile on their face. I SO appreciated their honesty and the pouring out of their hearts to me.

Though our nursing struggle has not gone away, my friends have brought me through the worst of it. I cannot fully express my gratitude. This trial has really taught me- not the solutions to nursing problems, but how incredibly lucky I am to be surrounded by such a great community of girlfriends.

Deep sadness

Yesterday, I learned about a young man from Estes who took his own life on Wednesday morning. The whole situation is utterly confusing and incredibly sad and tragic. No one can imagine why he decided he wanted out and I cannot comprehend how devastated their family is right now.

I went to High School with this kid and was pretty close to his older sisters. The family was a well-known family in Estes and I spent many nights at their house for youth group. I did cross country with one of the the sisters and have many good memories of the entire family.

Finding out about this death really shook me (and all of my fellow EP alumni) yesterday. As a parent, I cannot fathom what his parents are thinking right now. They will never ever be the same and will never be able to cope or recover.

This morning while Coranelle was eating breakfast, I was making plans to go to the memorial service this weekend. As we have been talking alot about emotions lately, she is very in tune to mine. She studied my face and said, "Mommy, are you sad?" I told her that I was and she asked me why. Here is how our conversation went.

I'm sad because there is a family that I know that is very sad right now.

Why are they sad, Mommy?

They're sad because something very bad happened to their son.

Their son? Like Sheldon is your son?

Yes, like Sheldon is my son.

What happened to their son?

Well, something very bad. (How do you explain death to a 2 year old).

He's broken, mommy?

Yes, sweetie. That's a good way to put it. He's broken.

His daddy can fix him?

No, his daddy cannot fix him. No one can. (I say this and my voice starts to tremble)

No one can? Oh. Where is the son, mommy. The broken one?

Well, he's with God now.

Oh, God can fix him, mommy. God can. (She's not asking me here, she's telling me. )

(At this point, tears are streaming down my face. She's right. God can fix him. How profound are her little thoughts and the way her mind processes things.)

Next she says to me- Mommy, God made the son. He can fix him, if he's broken. God can make him feel all better and he can run in the grass and be happy. Right?

It's a simplistic way to look at things, but it warmed my heart to hear her explanation of the situation. I trust that God has fixed this young man and that He will find many ways to comfort the family and give them the grace and mercy needed to get through each of the coming sad days.

Please lift up the Van Horn family in your prayers today and in the coming days and weeks. I am at a loss of what else to say.

Dog Days

Doing one of her favorite things ever!

A tea party while daddy worked one Sunday afternoonSome smiles with Grams!
A dad and daughter shot
Kyle and Coranelle watching some "Dinosaur Train" together.
Making Green cupcakes on a rainy evening of our vacation. After reading Pinkalicous about 1,000 times, we finally decided to make green cupcakes.


The really fun water features at my aunt's pool!

Sheldon's first time swimming

Coranelle and Derrick enjoying the deck on vacation
Sheldon and his favorite friend, Lesley.
The awesome kid's park at the zoo





Coranelle and Liam lovin' the fresh, mountain air.


Wow- it has been a hot August- technically the warmest on record for Denver. We are excitedly anticipating the fall and cooler weather. I am looking forward to meeting at parks without sweating so much I feel ill and desperately trying to keep Sheldon shaded and cool while preventing Coranelle from scalding her little legs on the slides.

Beyond the heat, we have been busy. We just got back from a wonderful trip to Manitou Springs with some great friends and their 10 month old son. Traveling with three young kids was difficult, but things went pretty smoothly and we had a good time. Sheldon had a few moments of crazy meltdown because he was shlepped around with us for a little too long without a good feed or nap. But, he handled things well and actually got to go swimming for his first time and enjoy the Cheyenne Mtn. Zoo. He loved the water and was thrilled to kick and splash along with his sister. He also got pretty excited about petting the goats at the zoo.

Coranelle got to feed the giraffes at the zoo and she loved the little children's area. She had a blast at my aunts pool and going on little nature walks around the house we rented. We stayed high up in the mountains and had amazing views of the cities around us and got to see deer and wild turkey. Coranelle was actually wearing her underwear the whole trip- with only one minor accident on the drive home. She told us, a mere 15 min after we had last had a potty stop, that she needed to go. I assumed she was just bored and wanting an excuse to stop at another gas station. Turns out, we should listen to her when she says she has to pee- or we'll be washing a soiled carseat cover. Oh well... she has done amazingly well and we are so proud of her.

Overall, we had an awesome trip and it was fun to get away. There is lots more to do down in that area that we didn't have a chance to, so we'll probably have to repeat the vacation. Ryan and his friend even enjoyed the luxury of doing a mountain bike ride together while Lesley and I stayed with the kids.

Before our trip, my dad, Christina and little brother came out for a visit. We got to do three dinners together, play at the Bay and do some catching up before they head down to Mexico this fall to move on to their new sailboat. It was good to spend some time with them and have them meet Sheldon for the first time. Kyle and Coranelle had a good time playing together, which was fun to see.

Beyond that, we are just trying to keep up with the day to day. Coranelle starts swim lessons and yoga this month, and Mops starts up again. I have a womens' book group that also begins next week and beyond that- we're doing a lot of reading and playing.

Coranelle has her alphabet mastered and is learning what sounds each letter makes, as well as how to recognize each letter. Reading is still a favorite activity of hers and we often spend long periods of time reading outside in the hammock during Sheldon's morning nap. Coranelle has also mastered her strider bike and LOVES riding it with her daddy in the evenings. She is getting super fast on it and it is really fun to watch. We are giving her jobs each day to help her feel involved and take ownership in family outings and meals and it seems to cut down on some of the tantrums. She absolutely adores her brother and loves to make him laugh and smile and give him his pacifier back when he loses it.

Sheldon has been rolling a bit more, from tummy to back. Really, his mode of movement is kicking. He lies on his back and just kicks like crazy and can push himself all the way across a room. It has given the back of his hair quite the tangled and dread lock look. He is smiling and laughing more and even babbling- which I love. He follows the rest of the family and seems to be happiest when he is outside. His napping is sometimes a bit better, but he still usually needs help sleeping more than 45 min. He generally sleeps from 9pm-5:30am and we are getting used to waking up early with him. Ryan has been using his wake up time as a reason to get into work earlier or get in a workout early in the morning.

Overall, we had a fantastic summer and I cannot believe that it is almost over and Sheldon is approaching 5 months. Time really does fly. I keep that in mind as I feel nostalgic about teaching when the school year starts up again. I know that in a few more eye blinks, Coranelle will be starting kindergarten and I have to treasure this time with them now.

I hope you are all staying cool and happy!

prayers answered

Wearing underwear!


At my book group this Tuesday night, we discussed when and how we fit in some devotional time. I admitted that mine is sporadic and infrequent with a kid that is always bright eyed at 5:20am and two different napping schedules as well as the exhaustion that accompanies nursing, potty training, sleep training, house cleaning, cooking, and lots of summer activities.

Anyhow, I felt compelled to FIND time and make it more of a priority, as I truly miss reading, journaling and taking some time to pray and reflect. So, I have found about 20 min for this in the last few days and it has been really beneficial. Particularly this morning. I am reading back through a book called "Women of the Bible". I last did this study when I was a senior in HS. As I did the study, I penciled in some of my thoughts and prayers. It is really interesting to look back at those thoughts 9 years later!

This morning I was reading about Sarah and her desire to have a child and having to wait for the Lord until she was 65 to receive that blessing. In that section, I wrote down some of my own hopes and prayers. During that time in my life, I was anorexic and had not had my period for a few years and doctors were telling me that it may affect my ability to have children in the future. At that point, I was trying to gain weight and recover from anorexia. It has been my dream, for as long as I can remember, to be a mom. So, in my book, my prayer was " to get my period and someday have a child". When I read that prayer from my former self, tears came to my eyes. How God provides and blesses and answers prayers!

I now have 2 beautiful children! How amazing that God has a plan for me and it will unfold in His time and in His way. My time this morning will help me to look at my kids differently today. I will be able to look past the burden of potty training and sleep training and see the blessing that God has given me. I am a mom!

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are those who wait for him! - Isaiah 30:18

So, as I endure or persevere through some hard days, I have the knowledge that God is giving me the mercy, grace and strength that I need to get through. He is faithful in His promises and has a plan for me. God calls me by name, I belong to Him and He accomplishes His purposes despite my frailties and little faith!

On a lighter note- Coranelle is doing AWESOME with potty training. It has been 1 week and we have only had 3 accidents! She is a champ at going in public restrooms and has even gone on a bush at a park with no potty. She is excited to wear her underwear all the time and we are so proud of her. The trick right now seems to be to take her to the bathroom every half hour- which is a bit exhausting when you're out and about and have a 4 month old- but it is working! Yay!

potty training

Playing with Grams and PopPops on her special sleepover!



Her new Mater toy!
Sheldon sitting all on his own. He does it better than the picture shows, but it is hard to capture it with the camera, as I never know when he is going to topple over and need catching!
We tried rice cereal with Sheldon, but he liked playing with the bib better than the cereal.
He actually HATES the rice cereal, even after trying 4 times this week.
The "twin" brothers making a "rocketship" out of a diaper box with Coranelle. No- the boys did not plan their matching outfits.

Potty Training- whew! Now I know why most people wait to have their second kid until their first is out of diapers. It's time and patience consuming. But, Coranelle is showing signs of readiness, so we're working on it. On Wed she pooped in her potty 3 times and peed at least that many times. She was very excited about it and proud of herself. I think the Elmo potty training video that I got her helped motivate her. So, we went and picked out some underpants for when she is more consistent. I also ordered some training pants for the meantime, as the underwear is SO thin that we'd have soiled furniture in no time. She is still having accidents (of course) and we are making this up as we go along. We are stressing the greatness of feeling dry and putting your pee pee and poo poo in the potty where it belongs. I am also giving her stickers for going, so I am rewarding her with a sticker chart. Truly, I have no clue what I am doing and would love some outside advice. For instance- what do I put her in when we go to friends' houses and the rec center and are running errands? We've been having her go right when she gets up from naps, bedtime and before and after meals and before we go somewhere. Most of the time she is okay trying, but sometimes she is really resistant. She also seems to pee about every half hour and I am not sure I can keep up with it. Nursing a little one and keeping Sheldon changed, happy and getting him down for naps makes it difficult to watch her every cue and get her on the toilet in time. So, bring on the advice!

I took Sheldon in for his 4 mo appointment last Friday. He is doing great. 40th percentile for weight (14 lbs, 3 oz)and 60th percentile for height. Developmentally, he is doing everything he is supposed to, although he has very little motivation to roll over. He can, however, sit without my help for up to 20 seconds, just balancing on his own hands. I find that impressive. He seems to be back to sleeping through the night (9pm-5:30am). His naps are still rough, as he needs help going back to sleep after 40 min. But, I have just gotten used to this and am fine with it! Overall, he is a pretty happy kid and I am SO thankful for that. He is also quite the talker and babbles all the time. At 6am, when I am trying to ensure that Coranelle stay asleep, I sometimes have to take him outside so he can exercise his lungs without waking everyone up!

Last weekend, Bruce and Heidi took Coranelle for a special sleepover at their house. I think they all had a blast. It is so fun that we are at an age with her that she can do that and enjoy it so much. The sleepover also allowed for Ryan and I to spend some more quality time with Sheldon. We got to take him for a run and get a few errands accomplished that are much harder with two kids. Tonight, Ryan has another date night planned and we are looking forward to some alone time!

Now that Sheldon is back down for his morning nap, it's time for "Preschool" with Coranelle. I have to cherish my one on one time with each of them!

I hope you all have a great weekend!

How is it already August!

Time just seems to be flying by. I can hardly believe that we have already turned the calendar to August and kids are ready to head back to school!

We recently just celebrated my birthday- for a whole week and we have been pretty busy! I got totally spoiled for my birthday as my mom and Ryan both took me shopping. I got tons of new clothes, accessories and things to make me feel, look and smell pretty. Great fun! I also had a little party with friends and both sets of family, so the past week was full of celebrations and fun!

We have also been working hard on sleep training Sheldon. He had been sleeping through the night and then really digressed and was waking up at least once every night. So, we decided to stop using the swing during the day for naps, as we wondered if it was making it hard for him to fall back asleep at night without the familiar swinging motion. So, all last week I worked diligently at putting him down for most naps(unless we were out and about), in his crib. He has the hardest time getting from one 45 min sleep cycle into the next without help. I hope he learns this soon, as going up to help him after 40 min of every nap is making me a bit crazy (and it makes it hard to rest or get anything done during naps). He often requires rocking, patting, the pacifier and about 20 min of time to get back to sleep. But, I know that this, as everything else, is just a stage and we'll get through it. Overall, he is sleeping better at night and that is great for all of us! We've been putting him down for a catnap between 4-6 and then keeping him up until 8:30, hoping that will help him sleep later than 5:30. He is an early riser!

Other than sleep, he is doing great! He is smiling and laughing and getting stronger. No rolling yet, but he is grasping and playing with toys, trying to put his pacifier in his mouth, standing with help and kicking and moving like crazy. He loves watching Coranelle and she always makes him smile. She is always trying to help out and take care of him. I cannot wait until they can play together!

A friend of mine, who doesn't have kids of her own yet, recently was at our house with a few other couples with kids. She was watching the madness that ensues when you have two children of our own and are trying to enjoy an evening get together. She commented on how overwhelming it was that I was constantly on the go- nursing Sheldon, feeding Coranelle, chasing Coranelle, disciplining Coranelle, comforting and holding Sheldon, getting both bathed and ready for bed... etc. She noted that I didn't have a chance to eat, sit down, have a drink or even finish a single sentence. It seemed so overwhelming and stressful to her. And it is... or can be. Life as a mom is like that- non stop and so so busy. But, I really cannot complain. I thought about our conversation over the next few days and just realized that it is SO worth the sleep deprivation, the busyness and selflessness. Hearing your own child laugh makes all of that seem completely worth it. Watching Coranelle learn to ride a bike, hearing her growing vocabulary, seeing Sheldon smile and talk, watching my two kids interact- all of that is priceless! Life can be hard and tiring, but there are so many joyful moments in everyday that I wouldn't trade for more free time. I am so thankful that I have two healthy kids and a husband that loves to play with them and take care of us.

As this is the third time I've tried to finish this post end keep being interrupted, I have to end there. Happy August!