battle of wills

Sheldon's first time at the pumpkin patch!









So, I have to take a few minutes to vent about our current feeding issues. I'm writing this out to document what we are going through and what we have tried, and also in hopes that someone out there has some advice.

For the past week or so, we have been working on adding formula into Sheldon's diet. I have been replacing the noon feed with formula so that I get a little break from nursing and to ensure that Sheldon is getting enough to eat. When we began, he would take up to 6 ounces of formula at that feed. Since, he has started to refuse it, or take only an ounce. He seems like he is trying to outsmart us. He'll take next to nothing at that feed and then hold out until I nurse him the next time. I am not sure what to do about this. Yesterday, Ryan tried to feed him formula while I was out to lunch with some friends. He took an ounce. So, we decided to not "give in" and nurse him the next feed. We fought him tooth and nail to get another ounce in him. (He should be taking 6 to 8 ounces per feed). So, then the question is, do we keep forcing formula on him and just deal with him being starving and grumpy? We finally gave in and gave him breast milk before bed because I was too exhausted to fight him anymore.

Here's the thing, I don't necessarily want to be done breast feeding, I just want the option for him to have a bottle or two of formula each day. I think it would give me peace of mind and a little break. I also don't think he is getting near the amount of food he needs each day. He should be getting close to 40 ounces of food. I'd be surprised if he was getting 25.

The next logical solution would be to use solid foods. Yet, we cannot seem to find a time that Sheldon will eat them. He's either too hungry and just wants a bottle or to nurse, or he is too tired, or he has just nursed and is too full to be interested. Almost every time we try to feed him, he glues his mouth shut, or gets mad and starts crying. What is a mom to do?

I don't necessarily feel that this is the ideal time to battle this out. We are currently working on switching Coranelle over to a toddler bed, we are getting new phones, having a landscaping project done, and I am making lots of extra meals for some friends that just had babies. This past week, we had people over to our house for dinner 4 out of 5 nights. Yes, that seems like a random and small list of things, but it just makes it too hard to deal with a hunger strike too. I am also trying to extend the times between Sheldon's feedings from 3 to 3 1/2 hours, as I feel like he is old enough to just eat more at each feeding.

Any advice on a switch over to formula or getting kids to eat solid foods? I'd appreciate it!

lost

Getting some love from her uncle Stefan at his birthday celebration.
Taking a nap on Grandpa Steve while mommy and daddy had a date night!
Loving the swings!
Sitting up all on his own!


I told Ryan the other night that I was feeling like I was in a bit of a slump. As a stay-at-home mom, my life drastically changed when Coranelle was born. My career, my worries, my spare time, my friends, my body, pretty much everything. Sometimes, I wonder if there is any of the old "me" left.

We had just finished having a really fun, celebratory dinner with Ryan's brother because they learned on Saturday that in about 20 weeks, they are going to have a baby boy. Yay! We get a nephew and Coranelle and Sheldon are going to have a cousin to play with! My parents came over to watch our kids and we went to church and dinner with Josh and Claire. It was the first time in 14 months that we have gone out with another couple, without kids. It was so fun to share a meal, laugh, be silly, talk and have my mind on something other than my kids- whether or not they're eating enough, if they're sleeping, if they're happy, etc. It made me remember the "me" that I was when Ryan first met me. The girl who could, and often did, laugh so hard I cried, snorted and peed my pants. Where did that girl go? Well, I had kids and life changes. The responsibility is much greater. Is that part of me lost?

I cannot blame that change on my kids. It is something that I need to be aware of, and work on. My kids need to see me laugh, often. They need to see me be silly and care-free more often. They need to know me as I was when their daddy met, and fell in love with me. I have to work on taking life a little less seriously.

On the other hand, here is why I have been taking life seriously lately. We went to Sheldon's 6 month appointment on Fri. He went from being in the 46% in weight at 4 months, to the 8th% at 6 months. He is still growing, but that is a BIG slow down in his weight gaining speed. The pediatrician recommended that I do everything I am already doing to help my milk supply stay up. The hard part is, Sheldon won't take formula and he is very resistant to solid foods. We have just recently got him to the point of tolerating carrots. Over the course of 15-20 min, we might get a tablespoon of pureed carrots in him. Not enough to make up for the milk he needs and might not be getting. I tried to pump before we left for Mops this morning so I could bring him a bottle, but no letdown= no milk. So, I nervously pulled one of my 5 bags of frozen milk left from the freezer. That means I only have 5 more times that I can rely on stored milk to get him fed. That scares me!

Also at Sheldon's appointment, he got 5 vaccinations. That REALLY did a number on the little guy, so he was a bit of a cranky mess this weekend. The tylenol seemed to do nothing in the way of relieving his pain, so we went out late Friday night to get him some Motrin. It's a good thing too, because before his dosage of motrin, he was waking up about every hour. Coranelle also had a couple of rough days this weekend- waking up from naps with night terrors and refusing to take naps. The lack of sleep made her a wreck- erupting into inconsolable tears over nothing. So, it was a bit of a rough weekend.

Which brings me to my question- what are your suggestions to me to help me relax and loosen up a bit. When we have weekends like this, I just feel utterly consumed with kid "stuff". I'd love a few tips!

On a much brighter and happier note, Sheldon has done a bit better being left. I tried leaving him at the rec center for the first time yesterday, and he made it for a whole hour. They said he cried on and off for a bit, but did well for the first time. That allowed me a half hour to chat with a friend on the elliptical! And today at Mops, I fed him and then checked him into the nursery and he stayed for an hour and a half! They said he even played and was happy for a while. He screamed for a while when he got tired and they got him to go to sleep in his carseat! What a wonderful feeling! Good little man- giving his mommy a periodic break!

I suppose that's all my brain can think of, as far as an update. I hope you are all enjoying this gorgeous fall!

Grandmadele and Sheldon giggling together
Super Duper Underdogs!
Love this girl!
My boy loves the swing!

A trip to the butterfly pavilion
Looking at the butterflies eating the nectar

Trying to get a picture in front of the awesome flowers, but it was too bright!


"Family isn't a static thing. There are always changes going on. Like with continents, sometimes the changes are invisible and underground, and sometimes they are explosive and deadly. The trick is to keep your balance. You cannot control the direction of your family any more than you can stop the continental shelf from breaking apart. All you can do is hold on for the ride." -Kristen Hannah from The Winter Garden

I just finished the book, The Winter Garden by Kristen Hannah. It was a really powerful book about mother daughter relationships throughout 4 generations. Part of the book took place in Leningrad (now St. Petersburg), during WWII when the Germans were bombing. It was a striking tale of the strength of women during the war and their ability to support their families and survive. Anyhow, the above quote really caught my attention and I have been thinking about it a lot recently.

Tonight, I took Sheldon to church with me. Ryan is out of town with some friends on a mountain biking trip and my mom and Steve took Coranelle for a special sleepover. So, I get some quality time with my boy. I, once again, attempted putting Sheldon in the nursery and was, once again, called out almost immediately. I went to "rescue" my screaming, red faced, hyperventilating child. It turned out that I couldn't concentrate on more than a few minutes of the sermon in the busy, cry room. And then I attempted to nurse him and failed miserably. He was too distracted and I did not let down. So, I left early to come home to nurse and pump. Whew.... Kind of a wash.

I am a bit frustrated that Sheldon is going through the same intense attachment that Coranelle did. I would selfishly love to leave him and enjoy a church service, an hour at the gym, or even a morning at Mops. But, I don't foresee that happening successfully any time in the near future. I suppose I could get really bent out of shape about the situation. But, like the quote says, there are some things that you just cannot control. I just have to hold on for the ride. I need to keep in mind that Coranelle went through the same thing and eventually (6 months later) got over it. Sheldon will grow up quickly- too quickly. I won't be able to hold him on my lap and listen to him babble and chew on his toys for much longer. I need to cherish this moments and stop looking forward to the next step or when my kids are older. In reality, they are constantly changing. I should feel a little flattered that my son is most comfortable with me, because that wont always be the case.

The books I have been reading recently have put my recent trials with my kids into perspective. I am not living in a war torn country with people starving and freezing to death all around me. I don't live with the fear or effects of a horrible disease. I am really lucky to have the healthy, happy family that I do and live in such a beautiful, safe place.

I am going continue to really work on giving up the need and desire to control all of these crazy situations that I deal with as a mom, and enjoy the ride.

The power of friends

This past week was a rough one. I was utterly and completely frustrated with my own body and my inability to do something that should be so natural and basic. I've been having trouble nursing Sheldon and it has taken its toll on me, my sanity and our family.

The issue is hard to explain to men and to those who haven't nursed. Basically, I have the milk (I'm pretty sure), but it won't "let down". My body is not telling my mind to release the milk for Sheldon. So, Sheldon sucks and sucks and gets very mad and fussy because it's taking too long for his meal to arrive. The longer it takes and the more he cries, the more stressed out I get- which makes the situation worse. You see, one needs to be relaxed and calm in order to let down their milk, so we have arrived at a sort of catch 22. At this point, I go into each feeding (6 times a day), wondering if we will be successful, or it I'll have to warm up a bottle of my quickly dwindling supply of breast milk. I am trying all sorts of things to help- nursing in a quiet dark room (when I can), pumping on one side while nursing on the other so there is continued stimulation even though Sheldon keeps popping off, fenugreen, mother's milk tea, relaxation methods, etc. The pumping seems to be the most successful thing, but I am not sure how I will manage to nurse Sheldon anywhere but at home, if this continues.

All the energy and work it is taking to nurse, pump, wash pumps and bottles, keep Coranelle entertained during the whole charade- is really taking its toll. I just want to be able to feed my baby. The entire situation had created quite a bit of anxiety, and feeling THIS anxious is new to me. Sometimes I find it hard to catch my breath, sleep well, and cannot fully calm myself down. I start worrying about how much milk Sheldon is getting, if I'll have to stop nursing, if he'll take formula, how little Coranelle eats, how poorly she's sleeping, her bad behavior in the evening when Ryan is home, all of the chores left un-done... etc. These worries seem to be snowballing into things like- will Coranelle and I have a good relationship when she's a teenager, will she have nice friends?, will I find a good preschool for her?, how will I find a job when I'm ready to go back to work?, will my kids marry nice people?, etc. Reading back over this list, I can honestly say, it doesn't make any sense to be fretting about all of this. It's irrational really. What can I do about any of that right now? I know, but I am just being honest in how my mind is behaving these days.

Anyhow, on Wednesday morning, I sent out an e-mail to a handful of good friends asking for nursing advice and prayers. I was completely blown away by the responses from my friends. Each and every one of them wrote back, visited, brought gifts, called or offered to help in some way. Immediately, I was surrounded by support, encouragement, kind words, suggestions, and overwhelming generosity. Friends shared their own stories about nursing and anxiety and helped me not to feel alone. I was completely amazed at how wonderful my friends are- many of them only knowing me for 10 months. As I read and listened to their own stories, it really struck me how strong mothers are. How many trials they have muddled through with a smile on their face. I SO appreciated their honesty and the pouring out of their hearts to me.

Though our nursing struggle has not gone away, my friends have brought me through the worst of it. I cannot fully express my gratitude. This trial has really taught me- not the solutions to nursing problems, but how incredibly lucky I am to be surrounded by such a great community of girlfriends.

Deep sadness

Yesterday, I learned about a young man from Estes who took his own life on Wednesday morning. The whole situation is utterly confusing and incredibly sad and tragic. No one can imagine why he decided he wanted out and I cannot comprehend how devastated their family is right now.

I went to High School with this kid and was pretty close to his older sisters. The family was a well-known family in Estes and I spent many nights at their house for youth group. I did cross country with one of the the sisters and have many good memories of the entire family.

Finding out about this death really shook me (and all of my fellow EP alumni) yesterday. As a parent, I cannot fathom what his parents are thinking right now. They will never ever be the same and will never be able to cope or recover.

This morning while Coranelle was eating breakfast, I was making plans to go to the memorial service this weekend. As we have been talking alot about emotions lately, she is very in tune to mine. She studied my face and said, "Mommy, are you sad?" I told her that I was and she asked me why. Here is how our conversation went.

I'm sad because there is a family that I know that is very sad right now.

Why are they sad, Mommy?

They're sad because something very bad happened to their son.

Their son? Like Sheldon is your son?

Yes, like Sheldon is my son.

What happened to their son?

Well, something very bad. (How do you explain death to a 2 year old).

He's broken, mommy?

Yes, sweetie. That's a good way to put it. He's broken.

His daddy can fix him?

No, his daddy cannot fix him. No one can. (I say this and my voice starts to tremble)

No one can? Oh. Where is the son, mommy. The broken one?

Well, he's with God now.

Oh, God can fix him, mommy. God can. (She's not asking me here, she's telling me. )

(At this point, tears are streaming down my face. She's right. God can fix him. How profound are her little thoughts and the way her mind processes things.)

Next she says to me- Mommy, God made the son. He can fix him, if he's broken. God can make him feel all better and he can run in the grass and be happy. Right?

It's a simplistic way to look at things, but it warmed my heart to hear her explanation of the situation. I trust that God has fixed this young man and that He will find many ways to comfort the family and give them the grace and mercy needed to get through each of the coming sad days.

Please lift up the Van Horn family in your prayers today and in the coming days and weeks. I am at a loss of what else to say.

Dog Days

Doing one of her favorite things ever!

A tea party while daddy worked one Sunday afternoonSome smiles with Grams!
A dad and daughter shot
Kyle and Coranelle watching some "Dinosaur Train" together.
Making Green cupcakes on a rainy evening of our vacation. After reading Pinkalicous about 1,000 times, we finally decided to make green cupcakes.


The really fun water features at my aunt's pool!

Sheldon's first time swimming

Coranelle and Derrick enjoying the deck on vacation
Sheldon and his favorite friend, Lesley.
The awesome kid's park at the zoo





Coranelle and Liam lovin' the fresh, mountain air.


Wow- it has been a hot August- technically the warmest on record for Denver. We are excitedly anticipating the fall and cooler weather. I am looking forward to meeting at parks without sweating so much I feel ill and desperately trying to keep Sheldon shaded and cool while preventing Coranelle from scalding her little legs on the slides.

Beyond the heat, we have been busy. We just got back from a wonderful trip to Manitou Springs with some great friends and their 10 month old son. Traveling with three young kids was difficult, but things went pretty smoothly and we had a good time. Sheldon had a few moments of crazy meltdown because he was shlepped around with us for a little too long without a good feed or nap. But, he handled things well and actually got to go swimming for his first time and enjoy the Cheyenne Mtn. Zoo. He loved the water and was thrilled to kick and splash along with his sister. He also got pretty excited about petting the goats at the zoo.

Coranelle got to feed the giraffes at the zoo and she loved the little children's area. She had a blast at my aunts pool and going on little nature walks around the house we rented. We stayed high up in the mountains and had amazing views of the cities around us and got to see deer and wild turkey. Coranelle was actually wearing her underwear the whole trip- with only one minor accident on the drive home. She told us, a mere 15 min after we had last had a potty stop, that she needed to go. I assumed she was just bored and wanting an excuse to stop at another gas station. Turns out, we should listen to her when she says she has to pee- or we'll be washing a soiled carseat cover. Oh well... she has done amazingly well and we are so proud of her.

Overall, we had an awesome trip and it was fun to get away. There is lots more to do down in that area that we didn't have a chance to, so we'll probably have to repeat the vacation. Ryan and his friend even enjoyed the luxury of doing a mountain bike ride together while Lesley and I stayed with the kids.

Before our trip, my dad, Christina and little brother came out for a visit. We got to do three dinners together, play at the Bay and do some catching up before they head down to Mexico this fall to move on to their new sailboat. It was good to spend some time with them and have them meet Sheldon for the first time. Kyle and Coranelle had a good time playing together, which was fun to see.

Beyond that, we are just trying to keep up with the day to day. Coranelle starts swim lessons and yoga this month, and Mops starts up again. I have a womens' book group that also begins next week and beyond that- we're doing a lot of reading and playing.

Coranelle has her alphabet mastered and is learning what sounds each letter makes, as well as how to recognize each letter. Reading is still a favorite activity of hers and we often spend long periods of time reading outside in the hammock during Sheldon's morning nap. Coranelle has also mastered her strider bike and LOVES riding it with her daddy in the evenings. She is getting super fast on it and it is really fun to watch. We are giving her jobs each day to help her feel involved and take ownership in family outings and meals and it seems to cut down on some of the tantrums. She absolutely adores her brother and loves to make him laugh and smile and give him his pacifier back when he loses it.

Sheldon has been rolling a bit more, from tummy to back. Really, his mode of movement is kicking. He lies on his back and just kicks like crazy and can push himself all the way across a room. It has given the back of his hair quite the tangled and dread lock look. He is smiling and laughing more and even babbling- which I love. He follows the rest of the family and seems to be happiest when he is outside. His napping is sometimes a bit better, but he still usually needs help sleeping more than 45 min. He generally sleeps from 9pm-5:30am and we are getting used to waking up early with him. Ryan has been using his wake up time as a reason to get into work earlier or get in a workout early in the morning.

Overall, we had a fantastic summer and I cannot believe that it is almost over and Sheldon is approaching 5 months. Time really does fly. I keep that in mind as I feel nostalgic about teaching when the school year starts up again. I know that in a few more eye blinks, Coranelle will be starting kindergarten and I have to treasure this time with them now.

I hope you are all staying cool and happy!