inspiration

This seems to happen every year. We hit July 4th, and it feels like the rest of the summer flies by in a whirl wind. Every weekend fills up with fun family activities, camping, pools, weddings or other adventures and excitement. I'm already hearing about "back to school", which is a bit alarming. We've had a great month of June and beginning to July. I included lots of pictures to tell some of our stories. Ryan and I have discussed how much we like the age the kids have reached. It allows for lots of adventures and not as much fretting about naps, mealtimes, bedtimes, nursing, or other worries for younger ages.

Our most recent adventure was getting our wedding bands tattooed. The kids were on a really fun camping trip with Grandmadele and Grandpa Steve, so we had some time to get  things done and to get our weddings bands done. Ryan got three thin bands. I got Ryan's name done in a very artistic/abstract way. They were uncomfortable and painful, but worth it! I won't include pictures. You can see them in person.

I don't have any of my own inspiration to share this time. I have received a lot of insight and inspiration from other blogs and sources recently. Instead of trying to come up with something on my own, I'll just share the links to what I has touched me or resonated with me in some way or another. Maybe they will bring comfort, healing, insight or just a feeling of "me too".  

http://momastery.com/blog/2013/07/12/tara/

The above story reminded me of my "lumps of coal" post and it is a beautiful story of redemption.

http://momastery.com/blog/2013/07/11/on-forgetting-and-remembering/
I can identify with bits and pieces of the above post with my own anxiety and have a lot of friends who either suffer from depression themselves or have loved ones that do. This was helpful and very moving.

http://angiesmithonline.com/2012/09/the-mender-and-a-great-opportunity/
The above link spoke volumes to me and I will read it and re-read it so many times. It resonated with my Approval Addiction. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ2_Gg6ka-k

The last link is a song that I have fallen in love with and listened to hundreds of times in the past few weeks.

 Sheldon and his buddy, Liam playing in flour after baking banana chocolate chip bread.

 Fun day at the Peter Pan splash park.

 A little steamer date with my girl.

 Visiting a new fire station with buddies while the dads were mountain biking.

 4th of July festivities

 Getting ready to ride the fire truck!

 Anna and Coranelle enjoying snowcones- these two always have a good time together.

 Pony rides

 Special balloons.

 Sheldon and Jake playing with trucks in the dirt

 Watching the fire works

 Sheldon and Anna on their green strider bikes

 A trip to Nederland

 Playing in the lake

 ??? Insert caption here.....

 Meeting baby Caleb

Our girl's night Paint and Sip

 Bike riding

 Train rides with Grandma

 Playing together, inside. This is a rare sight.

 My little garden helpers

 Popsicles have been a favorite this summer!

 Playing with cousin Anders in the yard

 Coranelle's dance class- sorry, best picture I have.

 Sheldon's new favorite thing- playing with beans, rocks and beads in his trucks and diggers

 Lesley, Liam and Mia in Nederland.

 Derrrick having ice cream with the kids

 Another play date with the Snapp boys while daddies are biking

Paint and Sip ladies!

Cheers to a truly awesome summer thus far!

Tough

This past Saturday, Ryan and I participated in an event called the Tough Mudder. Wow, what an incredible experience! We covered 11 miles at 8,000 feet or above, and conquered 20 obstacles that were designed by the British Armed Forces. The event was created to test your mental and physical strength, and it did. We plunged into dumpsters full of ice (34 degrees), swam under barrels in freezing mountain ponds, climbed over walls, up and down glaciers, army crawled under barbed wire and electric shock, monkey bars over freezing pools of water, running up a quarter pipe, and so forth. We were cold, tired, and tested. But it was awesome! I have done LOTS of races in the past 15 years and this was my favorite- by far. It was such a rare and wonderful thing to get to do with Ryan. My team was awesome, even if I was the only girl. It was powerful to overcome that with 3 other people. I never felt like my team was frustrated with me or tired of waiting. Nobody was throwing elbows or keeping track of time. People were stopping to help random strangers, striking up conversations, laughing, starting snowball and mud fights, and just enjoying the day. It was so different from any other race I've done in that everyone was helping each other along, not trying to get ahead. Regardless of age, gender, strength, or fitness level, we all just wanted to complete it and make sure those around us completed it as well.

So, I just got to thinking about how life often feels like trying to get through the Tough Mudder. One might compare a toddlers embarrassing tantrum in the middle of King Soopers to the trying to get through the electric shock therapy. You could liken a fight with your spouse to pushing through the "Arctic Enema". Choosing a preschool or school for you kids is a bit like running the "gauntlet" ( 1/2 mile straight down the ski slope and 1/2 straight back up).  Choosing to work or stay at home is like struggling to get over the 8 foot walls. Struggling with your eating issues, taking care of a loved one who is physically or mentally ill, trying to love a loved one with an addiction.... I could go on and on, but you all know what you're battling. The question is, are you battling it alone? Are you trying to crawl up that 10 foot wall on your own, or do you have people around you to hoist you up and over. When you're too shocked to move forward (like I was in the mountain pond), do you have some one yelling at you to keep moving- someone grabbing your hand to pull you though? There were so many times on Saturday that Ryan, Andy or Derrick came along side me to get me over or through something. They pulled me out of cold water, lifted me up the 1/4 pipe, talked me through moments of panic, cheered and pulled me through army crawling in a pit of mud under barbed wire, and so forth. And when we got through it, we all high fived and hugged. After I went through the "electroshock therapy" and my face and back got pounded, they handed me a beer! We are all undoubtably closer after coming through that.

What if we fought through all of these battles and hard decisions together- instead of competing with one another and trying to get ahead? Instead of worrying about our finish time, what if we stopped to help those who are wounded and struggling with a smile, patience and no judgement. What if, instead of thinking we had to get through all of this tough stuff by ourselves, we accepted the helping hands of others? I struggle a lot with this. Early on in motherhood, I thought I should be able to do everything by myself. When I was able to swallow my pride and accept help, life was so much fuller and manageable. This challenge would have been impossible if I had tried to go it alone. Truly, there is no way I could have gotten over a good 1/3 of the obstacles by myself. The guys, sure. They could have completed 99% of it alone. I physically was not tall enough or strong enough to do it. So, I took their helping hands and we pushed through TOGETHER. There was a young man who started in the wave before us who had lost both legs while deployed. While I was huffing and puffing up the mountain, I saw him.  He was pushing his wheel chair like mad up the side of the mountain, and he had a team surrounding him to help him along. So then I was huffing and puffing and crying. They lifted him over 8 foot walls, folks! That kind of camaraderie is so rare, and so precious!   I think life would be a better experience for all of us if we could go through the tough stuff together, lifting each other over obstacles, accepting a hand, lending a hand, cheering each other on, and refusing to "race" or compete.

Thank you to my awesome Turbo Turtles for such a fun experience! I seriously hope your quads are as sore as mine today, because stairs seem a bit like "Everest" to me right now.

approval

First of all, thank you for the outpouring of support, encouragement and kind comments in response to my last post. I am so thankful to know all of you!

I have been meaning to post again for the last few weeks, but summer has hit full force and, I just keep putting it off. We dove deep into vacations, summer camp, dance class, swimming pools, the Bay, play dates, summer reading programs, gardening, bike riding, and training for the hardest race/challenge I've ever done (The Tough Mudder- look it up if you want, but don't judge us http://toughmudder.com/events/colorado-sat-jun-15-sun-jun-16-2013/). The heat and busyness on top of 4 books that I'm currently reading hasn't left much time for blogging.

I wanted to continue blogging about some of the things I have been learning. I just started two new books that I'll recommend here. The first is by a wonderful author, Jen Hatmaker. It's called "Out of the Spin Cycle- Devotions to Lighten your Mother Load". If you are a mother of younger kids, you should read it. She said this in the section I read today, "When we operate from the central concern of being seen a certain way, we can't develop healthy relationships in the messy soil of reality- the only place they'll grow. Presenting a perfect, fake life to others generates fear in our own hearts and intimidation in everyone else's, and creates nice fake relationships- with our friends, with our family members and even with our own children.... Can we admit our failures and stop worrying about what someone might think? Can we allow others to be the same people on the outside that they are on the inside? Can we live real lives in front of each other, imperfect in our humanity but reclaimed through Jesus?"
This is reiterating some of what I've advocated for here in my previous posts, but it also highlights another key component that I am struggling with and have for as long as I can remember-  seeking approval. 

As one might say in an AA meeting, "Hi, my name is Kari and I have an approval addiction". You're probably wondering, Is that a thing? That's what I asked too. It is a thing. And the more I read about it, the more I know that it is a true issue that I have struggled with for a long time. As Joyce Meyer says, "Many people seek the approval of others to try to overcome their feelings of rejection and low self-esteem. They suffer from those feelings and use the addiction to approval to try to remove the pain. They are miserable if anyone seems not to approve of them in any way or for any reason and they are anxious about the disapproval until they feel they are once again accepted. They may do almost anything to gain the approval they feel they have lost..." Approval Addictions.  So, that sums up a huge part of my life. And here's the key- I am slowly learning that God's approval will be all I need.

With that being said, there are wildfires raging in Colorado again. (Yes, there is a tie between these two very different topics- I'll get there). It is eerie to me how similar it feels to last year, at this exact same time. The haze and smoke and news reports bring me back to a year ago right now. I have vivid memories of trying to survive through soccer camp in 100 degree temps and suffocating smoke, with a scared 3 year old who wasn't ready to do soccer camp. As I was reflecting back on the last year today, a few thoughts ran through my head. As I was ruminating, the loudest thought was, "Please no- not a repeat of last year. Not just the fires, but the whole last 12 months.  That was scary and hard and challenging and sad and revealing and raw and I don't want a repeat. I can't do it again." It has been a hard year in many ways. But, as I thought about it more, I thought about all the things that the hard has brought; some really deep, wonderful relationships with new and existing friends. It has brought me so much closer to Ryan and made our marriage stronger and amazingly beautiful in many ways. It has taught me a lot about myself and directed me into a better way of living. The hard has refined me into a better mom- one who loves with more patience and mercy, with more prayer, compassion, less judgment and more laughter (on most days- give me a break, I'm still human). This past year has taught me immeasurable amounts about love and grace. It strengthened my faith and my need for God. And now, I'm learning how to lean and depend less on others' approval and live confidently in the freedom that I am enough.  That might seem like a simple concept to you- living like I am enough. But, it has not been simple for me to learn. It took some breaking and some undoing and I haven't arrived yet- so to speak.

I refined my thinking today. Maybe this next year will be hard too, probably not in the same ways. Afterall, the only constant thing in this world, aside from God, is change.  But if the next 12 months are scary and hard and challenging and sad and revealing and raw, I can just pray that God uses them for as much good as He has the last 12 months. I know that God will continue to bless me with life and peace. I know that the last year broke me, but God used it to draw me closer to him and that intimacy was well worth all the hard things.

On that note, if you're praying people, pray for the fires here in CO and the evacuated people and all those working to fight the fires and keep people safe.

Thanks again for taking this journey with me!

Lumps of Coal Part II- Vulnerability

Brene Brown refers to Theodore Roosevelt's speech "Citizens in a Republic":

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again.

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause;

Who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. 

I recommend Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown to everyone. I also recommend we all try to dare greatly in our own lives. How? You ask. Brown says it is vulnerability- "Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it's understanding the necessity of both; it's engaging. It's being all in."

I was having a conversation with a dear friend the other day. She was processing through a hard situation taking place between her husband and herself and discussing her estranged relationship with her father. Part way into the conversation, she stopped herself. She was afraid that because she was sharing so openly about her situations, that I might judge her husband, their marriage, or her. That struck me. How often am I afraid to be really real, to "be all in", with people because I'm afraid of what they might think of me, my family, my decisions, etc? But when we aren't vulnerable, how can we transform the ways we live, love, parent, lead and connect with others? I want to be the woman who walks into the arena, willing to engage and to risk, rather than sitting on the side judging and giving advice. Brown says, "We must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen. This is vulnerability. This is daring greatly."

Showing up like that makes me open to getting hurt, being disappointed, and my own personal, greatest fear; rejection. That could be messy, uncomfortable and uncertain. What if we could all show up like that? What if we could be real and honest? Would that lessen some of the need to compare our lives, homes, marriages, children, and health to others'?

In the past month or so, I have been able to open up and be more honest and vulnerable. Let me tell you, folks, it may be HARD, but there are some major perks! I have deepened some of my friendships to levels I never thought possible. After my "Lumps of Coal" post, I started e-mailing with someone who has been a part of my life for about 12 years now, that I didn't know very well. My vulnerability seemed to open up a new door of communication and I feel so grateful to be able to share some of my "stuff" with her and hear more about her own "lumps" and how they have shaped and changed her. We are finding more common ground than I realized was there, and we can offer each other support and concern in a new way. It's really exciting and I'm thankful for this opportunity.

Another place that I have learned the power of this vulnerability and connectedness is a place called SHIFT. Wow, I'm a bit nervous even writing about this in a public place. Okay, "a bit nervous" doesn't adequately describe my nerves. I have had this post written for a week and am still not sure if I can hit the "publish" button. Maybe my daring to do this will pave the way for someone else out there to start on a similar journey.

Here it goes! SHIFT is a 12 step recovery group through my church.
http://www.flatironschurch.com/shift/
If your curious, go to the website above because I can't describe this program perfectly. I liken it to AA, but it is recovery for many different issues and situations. My issue (or shall I be really honest and say ONE of my issues) is codependency. If you're like I was a few months ago, you may not even know what that word means- which is ironic because it describes the way I've lived my life for 20 some years pretty well. "Codependency is becoming overly involved, obsessed, entangled or impacted by others' behavior so that our peace and happiness is overly dependent on how these relationships are going". Hmmm- the first time I read that, it really struck me. Some other ways of describing codependents are :

has low self esteem, feel overly responsible for others, have unstable relationships marked by a lack of balance between connection and independence, are masters at repressing feelings, obsess and try to change things that can't be changed, compromise their own values and morals to avoid others' rejection or anger, are perfectionistic, loyal to fault, resilient and ignore their own emotional or physical needs.

Anyone else identify to any of the above? Can I get a "me too". Well, I found a whole support group who says "me too".  I've known these women for 5 months now. I see them only about 3 times a month, and I have made some really deep connections. One awesome aspect of this is that they come from all walks of life- they range in ages, careers, where they live, some single/married/divorced, some moms, some not. Yet, we all connect at Shift. There is a crucial anonymity piece involved that allows one to share things they might not have ever shared with anyone before. And when you can be that vulnerable and honest without ever fearing judgement or that someone is going to try to give you advice or fix you, some deep connections can be made in a very short amount of time. We all go knowing that our lives are broken and messy in some areas, so there truly is NO judgement. Can you imagine what that is like? It's pretty freeing. These people quickly become the people that you can call up any time of night if you face a crisis. You can go to them with anything. It really is quite amazing support.

Getting there took a good amount of courage and "daring greatly". Admitting that it would be helpful and that I was struggling was hard. Harder still was walking through those doors the first time, hardly knowing a soul. Looking back, I am so glad that I showed up. I'm so glad that I let myself been seen and was willing to risk. It's worth it. Since, I've been able to share with incredible people about suffering with loved ones and their addictions, losing loved ones to suicide, battling with cancer and other serious health issues, marital issues, relationships struggles, and so forth. When we're all willing to share these hard and often secret issues, we can glean things from one another . Some have come out from the darkness of the tunnel and can offer hope and wisdom. Some are right there with you in the heart of the issue, saying "me too." Regardless, it's a beautiful and sacred journey to be taking.

So, now that you've seen a glimpse of my lumps and my attempts to "dare greatly",  I'm anxious to hear more of your stories- if you're willing. Or maybe you can take a minute to think about the person or people who you are truly vulnerable with and who have walked along side you through some messy, hard, painful stuff- without judgement. Those people enjoy a little bit of recognition and thanks.  Until then, keep showing up, keep engaging and being willing to risk. Be all in!

Dear Coranelle,

Dear Coranelle,
 Yesterday you turned 4! I didn't expect to feel so emotional at this milestone, but it hit me yesterday. I realized how fast you're growing up and how much we've been through with you. I was remembering all of the trips we've taken, all of the friends you've made, all of the things you've learned to do, and all of the hard times we've come through. You've turned into such a beautiful, strong, intuitive, loving, thoughtful, sweet, caring, bright, spirited child. It has been so fun to see you grow and change and start to make your own decisions and be independent. Daddy and I were talking about how you were born into the perfect family and we are so, incredibly proud of you and honored to be your parents. We've learned a lot from you and from navigating how to parent you. Though we have come through some pretty big challenges with you, I wouldn't change a single minute of the last 4 years. You're my girl, my firstborn and you'll always have a special place in my heart. I love you sweet pea, and I am excited for all of the years to come!
 Love,
Momma

For my readers, stay tuned for part II of "Lumps of Coal"

Happy Memorial Day to you all!

lumps of coal

I was listening to this song yesterday by Plumb. I think it's pretty old.  I originally got the song from a dear friend, Kirstin, on a mixed CD she made me when I turned 21. But, I've always loved the song and identified with it. I heard it a bit differently yesterday than I did years ago. That's the beauty of music, right? So many people can connect with it in so many different ways in various times and circumstances during their lives.

Here is part of the song:

Cold is the throne of her hardened heart
No one has seen the softest part
Day after night she holds an ache
And won't budge to show this secret place
Well is it so wrong to hang on to hurt

Maybe she could set it free

If you've been there you know
If you're still there hang on
We're all dealt our lumps of coal
What you do with it can turn beautiful
Well there's a life outside of this madness
And there's a face behind every scar
But there's a love overflowing with gladness
Get out of that place that's restraining your love
I said get out of that place
That's restraining your love



You can read the whole song and listen to it at the link below:
http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/p/plumb/nice_naive_and_beautiful.html

I really love that line, "we're all dealt our lumps of coal, what you do with it can turn beautiful". How true is that? As I think about my own life, I recognize my lumps of coal as well as the ones I've dealt to others. I also look around me and see close friends and families struggling with health problems, infertility, financial stress, relationship strife, marriage struggles, and so much more. I've seen many of these wonderful people turn their coal into beautiful things that make them stronger and radiant. Am I doing the same with mine? Have I in the past? My postpartum depression, struggles with anxiety or panic attacks, eating disorder, hardships as a mom, struggles as a wife or heartache from having divorced parents- have I turned all of those things into something beautiful? I am not sure. Have I been able to see and share the beauty in these things? Have I been grateful in the midst of the "lumps of coal"? Have I let my broken heartedness help others who are suffering.

Honestly, not always. I have tried and probably failed in many areas. I admittedly have a lot of greed, carelessness and apathy inside of me. But I want to choose to turn that coal into diamonds, I want to "get out of the place that restrains my love and see a love overflowing with gladness". I want to be used to emphatically love and help others because of my own demons and scars.

With that being said, I'd love to hear from some of you- if you're willing. I want to know what lumps of coal you've had in your life. How have you turned them into something beautiful? I can keep these stories confidential, or I can publish them anonymously here so that you might help shed some light for someone else- stranger or friend- through your experience. Maybe you've "been there and you know". Maybe you're still there, trying to "hang on", and there is someone who has already walked a similar path that can encourage you.

If you are courageous and want to share, write me an e-mail here:
karialyssam@gmail.com.
Then we can go from there.

“A diamond is a chunk of coal that is made good under pressure.”
-Henry Kissinger

trying again

How long has it been since I've written? I've had a few people ask me recently if I am going to continue blogging. To be honest, I'm not sure. I'll try again, but it just doesn't serve the same purpose that it once did. It used to be the place where I would confess my frustrations and hardships, my joys and celebrations. Fortunately, I have other outlets for that now and I typically do those things in person with friends and family. Thus, my life and thinking has not been as public for the last year or so. I think that's okay. I think there is a time and season for everything. 

As of late, it has been a more introspective season. It has been a time to re prioritize my time, energy, and thoughts. This season has not been an easy one. And that's okay. I have been learning a lot about myself, relationships, parenting, friendships, marriage, love and God. Grace, mercy, compassion and unconditional love have all been painted and experienced in our lives in profound ways. God is teaching me to rely on Him in a way I never needed to, or knew how to do before. My mistakes, weaknesses and strengths are anchoring me to God. My experiences, decisions, falls and triumphs are becoming ways that I can relate to and connect with others on deep and profound levels. Those connections are exciting and wonderful. It's amazing how close you can be to others when you are vulnerable and real. 

For most of my life, I've lived with protective layers between myself and the rest of the world. I've acted as if things are okay and I was great and didn't need help, when often- nothing could be further from the truth. But something that I am realizing is that it is really freeing to be more real. People seem less intimidated by me and there is an opportunity to be deeper and closer. There is this wonderful opportunity to connect through the "me too" factor. Don't get me wrong, admitting that I am broken and messy is hard and painful. But being willing to feel that pain and address issues is much better than trying to escape it. When you distance yourself from others because you're afraid of getting hurt, hurting someone, or being rejected, you tend to miss out on a lot of exciting, authentic and meaningful relationships. So, I'm embarking on a path of realness and digging deep into the hard things, instead of burying them. Maybe I'll be brave enough to share some of this process with you readers- if you're interested. Maybe it will be an opportunity to grow closer to some of you, too. What are your thoughts on that? Meanwhile, below are some pictures of the last few months. Much love!

Kari