4 month old peanut

Right before she passed out at the wedding. So tired!
But Oh, so cute!
watching daddy eat his dinner.
The girls, all dressed up. She liked eating her dress more than wearing it.
Cuddling with daddy on Sunday before a walk with Gammadele and Grandpa Steve.

On Saturday, Coranelle turned 4 months old. To celebrate, we took her to our friends' wedding. We thought that since she seemed to be doing better in the evenings, she might do well and we could introduce her to some of our friends from college. She didn't do as well as we hoped, but she is priceless and adorable and we are glad we got to spend the evening with her. She didn't want to be really quiet during the wedding ceremony, so Ryan had to take her out to the lobby so she wouldn't disrupt the ceremony. When we walked into the reception, she freaked out for a while at all the faces that were admiring her, the music and just TOO much to see. But, she calmed down and we ended up being able to stay until almost 10pm. She nursed in a parking garage before the reception and took a bottle from Ryan at 8:30ish. We hoped she would take a little nap on us during the evening, but there was simply too many exciting things going on. It was great for us to see some friends from college and celebrate with Scott and Jenny. It was a beautiful ceremony and the reception venue was the clubhouse at Folsom Field. The views were spectacular and it was very enjoyable. Coranelle finally decided to pass out on me at 9:45pm as we were dancing. Sooooo cute.
In other news, she still refuses to take formula. We tried a new kind patiently on Sunday and she wouldn't have it. Too bad, considering her weight gain has slowed and the doctor recommended to me that I feed her one more time per day. She went in for her 4 month appointment yesterday. She now weighs 11 pounds 8 ounces and is 25 inches long. That takes her from the 20th percentile in weight to the 9th, and the 75th percentile in height to the 77th. This, of course, concerns me. Being that she is solely breastfed, it is hard to not take this issue personally and feel like I am doing something wrong. But, she has a full feeding every 3 hours and is a good little eater. Even though most babies move to feeding every 4 hours at 4 months, I have kept her on a 3 hour schedule because I know she is a peanut. So, I feed her 5 times a day. When do I put in another feeding. I refuse to wake her up at night to do it, or disturb her one good nap of the day. If she would take formula, it would be easy to pop a bottle in her mouth sometime in the evening. I already feel as if I spend a ton of my day nursing ( close to 3 hours). I don't really want to sit on my couch even longer every day. What to do... The doc said she could eat as much rice cereal as she wants. She'll eat that with formula, so we'll try to give her a bit more of that. The doc also told us to try soy formula, as it tastes a bit more like breast milk. So, Ryan went to pick some up today and we'll try that out. I hope that she catches up in weight someday! I am still perplexed as to how I have a tall, skinny baby! The doctor also reminded me to make sure I am drinking and eating enough. I am going to make a point to make sure I am drinking lots of water and eating enough calories. I used to be very good at drinking water (when Coranelle was first born), but have sort of fallen off the bandwagon recently. And, given my past(destructive) eating habits, I refuse to count calories and thus have not counted to ensure that I am eating an extra 500/day. I suppose I need to be a bit more aware of how much I am eating so I ensure Coranelle is getting enough!
Other than her slowed weight gain, she is developmentally doing great. She rolls, talks, lifts her head, sits with support, plays, focuses, grasps things, puts everything in her mouth, etc. Last weeks new thing was the discovery and infatuation with her feet. She grabs them all the time and puts them into her mouth. Very cute. Ahh, she is wonderful. We love her so so so much. She is currently "eating" her feet, complete with the new "hand-me-down" booties we got from some friends. She also got a hand-me-down excer saucer and lots of cute hats and toys. We love hand-me-downs. She and I continue to go to play groups with our Mom's club. I love walking with my friend Jenny and her little Adelaide 3 times a week. It is wonderful to have another mom with a baby girl the same age. Our walks are often the highlight of my day at home. Then, my next highlight is when Ryan walks in the door after work. Coranelle loves it too and is totally captivated with daddy. She studies him and watches his every move and smiles with delight at the attention he showers her with. I LOVE my family!

Outside of Coranelle, we are prepping our house to get it ready to paint this fall. We seem to have a growing list of house projects that get done much slower with a little baby who is constantly captivating us with her smiles and jabbering. That's all for now. Have a great week!

An angel

A ride with daddy!

A fun nose trick!The rice cereal debut!

Trying to figure out what to do with the cereal.Yum yum!


Coranelle has been an angel! Really! It's like I have a new baby! The weather in Colorado has been very cold and rainy these past 2 days. Yesterday, we got all ready to go out for a morning run. I gazed out the window and realized it was blowing like crazy and pouring. I sighed and decided that wasn't the best weather to take Coranelle out in. So, I hesitantly decided to pack her up and take her to the "Mom-and-me" stoller class. Now, some of you may remember the tears and anxiety that these classes caused us a month or two ago. Coranelle literally used to scream through the entire class. Yet, yesterday, I decided I needed to give it a shot. I couldn't stay inside all day. I showed up about 9:20am. Coranelle was an angel. She never once fussed. She was awake the entire hour, but never cried. She just watched the world go by and flashed a few smiles now and then. The change was night and day different. I couldn't believe it!

Later in the day, I decided to test my luck and take Coranelle to Target. Previously, she melted down second after walking into the store. I never figured out why. So, I was brave and put her in her stroller, rather than the baby bjorn. She proved her angel behavior for a second time. She stayed awake and never cried or wailed. She played with her toy and her blanket and checked out all the colors and lights. I was so proud. It allowed me to enjoy the day and my baby girl.

After coming home, she proceeded to roll multiple times. She kept rolling from her back to her tummy in order to grasp her little hanging cow. Once she got to her tummy, she got really frustrated that she was there. But, she's doing great with her rolling. She also is pushing up onto her elbows and occasionally her hands while she is on her tummy. I feel like she is growing up so much!

This past weekend, Ryan, Josh, Claire and I had the opportunity to go see Rodrigo y Gabriela live in Denver. They were amazing and it was such a joy to watch their incredible talent. We went to dinner beforehand and had a fun double date. Coranelle stayed with Grams and PopPops. I was super nervous to leave her. Not because I was worried about her, but because I was worried that she would scream all evening and make Bruce and Heido insane. I know she is in wonderful hands when she is with them, but I wanted them to enjoy their evening- not just survive it. But, apparently, she did well and was pretty happy. (Or so they tell me ;-) ) She took a whole bottle from them and they put her to bed for the night. It was great to get out and have an evening away and know that she had a good time.

I also decided to attempt feeding her some rice cereal. I didn't do it to fill her up more or because she necessarily "needs" it. I just have worried that since she won't touch formula, I'll have to pump lots of extra milk to mix with her cereals. So, I decided to see if she would take cereal with water instead of milk or formula. And, I wanted to see if she'd take to the spoon. She did! She did great with the spoon and seemed to enjoy the cereal. It was so fun to see her sitting in her little bumbo seat, eating! Her 4 month appointment is on Monday and we'll see what her doctor thinks of her eating cereal once a day. I think it might help her catch up- weight wise. Plus, she typically still seems hungry after her 5pm feeding and this might be a good way to supplement.

Last night, I didn't want to battle with her evening nap. This is always the hardest to get her to go down for. She cries and cries and doesn't want to take her pacifier. I decided I didn't have anything I needed to get done, so I let her cuddle with me and take a nap while I watched the season premier of "Dancing With the Stars". It was priceless to just rock and hold her and watch her sleep. I know I will not be able to do that for a lot longer, so I just enjoy it while it happens.
I guess I don't just enjoy it, I LOVE it. Ryan came back from the rec center after being gone for an hour. He walked in and I just whispered, "Nope, I haven't moved since you left".

Coranelle is also sleeping through the night. Her typical night is about 8:30pm -7am. She is doing great and I am enjoying sleeping through the night as well.

I have also been going to playgroups through the Mom's club that I joined. It is nice to meet with other moms. I am the only one that attends that has just an infant, so at times I feel a little out of place. But, I also meet with another new mom (from my prenatal yoga class) at least 3 times a week. It is a huge blessing to have other young moms in my life to chat with.

All in all, things are going great and I am feeling better adjusted to be a mom. I am excited for all of the future changes and growth to come.

terradactyl baby

The snow coming down at Emerald Lake, while we stop for a snack. Look at my cute hubby! He's always taking such good care of us!
Josh and Claire at Dream Lake.
All bundled up and enjoying the views.
Happy Family!
All rigged up to keep Coranelle warm and dry!


Coranelle has a new way to express herself... a lovely high-pitched scream. She sounds like a dinosaur. The funny thing is that she isn't upset, she's just screaming. It's like she has found her voice and LOVES using it. Anyone else experienced this with their child? It is almost funny, but it starts to hurt my ears after I have listened to it all day. Mom says I should sing to her so she'll learn to sing instead of shriek. I'm trying, but it's not working yet. The workers in the church nursery on Saturday were perplexed. They couldn't figure out if she was upset or just trying to talk. I told them, they would know when my child was upset!

We went up to Estes Friday night to stay in a cabin of a family friend of the Mork's. It is a beautiful "cabin", that we call a lodge. On our way up, we got stopped in Lions for construction and Coranelle woke up. Not only did she wake up, she decided to wail for half the way up the canyon. This was really intense, high pitched crying. The kind that you cannot talk over- let alone think straight. The kind of crying that makes you loose your patience and make you want to scream "what the %^&# is wrong?" I tried leaning over the seat and giving her the pacifier and dangle a toy to play with. Nothing worked. We finally had to pull over and I got in the back with her. After that, she was just fine. I gave her the pacifier and she was fine. Poor little thing. She was so upset, her face was bright red and blotchy and covered with tears. I have no idea what set her off! But, she started again when we got to the cabin and I handed her to Grams. That child has lungs!

On Saturday, we got to enjoy a good breakfast and a relaxing morning. It was only 45 degrees up in Estes on Saturday, with lots of low lying clouds and fog. It was fun to cuddle up under a blanket and enjoy the England weather. About mid morning, Josh, Claire, Ryan, Coranelle and I went to RMNP to go on a little hike. The leaves are starting to turn yellow and looked brillant against the dark clouds. When we got to the trailhead, it started snowing! It was beautiful! Josh and Claire thought we were crazy that we wanted to still hike, but they ended up enjoying it. I put Coranelle in the baby bjorn, facing towards me. She was bundled up with jackets and hat, and hood. Ryan stuffed the umbrella in my baby bjorn so that I could walk and keep Coranelle dry without having to hold the umbrella. It worked well and I got toasty, so I think I kept Coranelle nice and warm. It was truly a gorgeous hike.

Does it strike anyone as funny that when someone has a baby, it makes the rest of the world think that they can say whatever they want about the child? As we were hiking up the trail, Coranelle was alert and happy. People were cooing at her and asking about her and saying things like, "What an adorable baby". "Ooooh, she's so cute". "She's so good!". "How precious". Etc. On the way down, Coranelle started to get fussy. I don't think she was cold or hungry, but tired. It was noon and she always takes her nap between 11-1. So, as she cried on the way back down, I got all sorts of crazy looks and comments. Someone said, "Hey, you know... even junior rangers get hungry!". Cute... not really. I just get annoyed. People always assume that if a baby is fussing, they're hungry. Not my baby! Then, I got these looks and comments like, "It's too cold to have a baby out here". "What are you doing". etc. etc. I find it funny that so many people think that they know what is good for my baby, or what is wrong, when they have seen her for a whole 2 seconds. She was just tired, because I quickly got her to go to sleep in the baby bjorn, amidst the snow and fog. Overall, it was a beautiful and fun adventure.

In other news, Coranelle has now rolled 3 times. She is doing a little better with her tummy time. She is grasping things, putting them in her mouth, and "talking" quite a bit. She still enjoys reading books with us- which tickles me pink. She enjoys her jumpy seat, is sitting up pretty well and loves to stand with support. She is- as always- an adorable gift. She will be 16 weeks old tomorrow!

a little of this, a little of that

Napping on Grandpa Steve.
Hanging with her Grandparents.
Labor Day BBQ at Molly's.
These pictures posted out of order. Anyhow- this is us laying the first pavers. I am looking up to Coranelle's window- hoping she is still sleeping.
Ryan cuting pavers in our street.
Unloading our two pallets of pavers. Good thing we had good help.
Moving the dirt out of the way.
Relaxing with Daddy after the patio was done.
On Labor Day, we went to Claire's mom's house for a BBQ. She lives on a lake so we got to enjoy kayaking on the water.
Eating those fists. I love those cheeks!
Napping on Grandpa Steve.
Hanging out on her tummy!


It has been a while since I wrote a blog post. Things have been busy and I just haven't made time to sit down and do it. We weren't doing a lot of sitting this weekend! Ryan took of Thursday and Friday and we spent 4 days creating a patio in our backyard. This required a lot of work. Before we started, there was a large square of clayish dirt, some remaining red mulch, and these huge boulders left by the previous owners. So, the process consisted of moving all the rocks (some of them took 4 of us to lift) and then digging down about 8 inches through all sorts of tree roots, rocks and pebbles. Next, came laying road base (4 inches of it), leveling and tamping that. After that, we added two inches of sand and re-leveled. Finally, we put in 475 pavers- each weighing 10 pounds. On Saturday, my parents, Bruce, Heido, Josh and Claire all came over to help move dirt, haul pavers, and roll loads of sand into our yard with wheel barrows. Their help was amazing! I just love family! It was like a big, sweaty party. I had feeding duty for Coranelle, but beyond that, there was always a grandma ready to take her and entertain her so I could help. We worked on in almost all day Sunday and we were on a roll. So, we put Coranelle to bed at 9 and just kept pushing along. We decided we just wanted it finished and not hanging over our heads. So, Ryan and I worked until almost midnight to get it done. I hauled 450 pavers to him and he pounded them all in, in a perfectly engineered pattern. When we were done, we sat back, on our completed patio, gazing at the stars and enjoying chocolate ice cream cones. We love the patio! Now, it's time to get some patio furniture. And rest our arms and backs.
In other news... Coranelle didn't survive the church nursery on Sunday. She screamed like crazy when we left her and they called us in after about 10 minutes to get her. I took her and calmed her down pretty quickly. They told me I could bring her back if she calmed down, so I did. But, she revved up again and wailed. So, I took her into the cry room and Ryan met us in there. She ended up falling asleep on Ryan, content as could be. I guess she just doesn't like the nursery! But, we will keep trying. I wasn't sure if maybe she could sense that the woman who took her was not confident in her soothing of a wailing child. Also, once I took her from one of the men working in the nursery, she smelled strongly of cologne. I wondered if she didn't like the smell. I mean, she is a "touchy" baby, so I don't know what set her off.
She had some rough nights last week- nights where she cried for hours straight until we finally rocked her to sleep. Those are exhausting! On Friday, Bruce and Heido were over helping with the patio. We tried to wrap Coranelle up and put her in her crib with her pacifier, but she just screamed and screamed. Finally, Heidi walked her around the neighborhood for awhile and got her to fall asleep in her arms. She also cried like crazy last Tuesday when I was at my class at the Rec Center and Ryan had her. When I got home, neither of us could get her to sleep or calm down. I finally decided to feed her, which helped a little. Wednesday, we went down to Denver to visit Stefan and Rachael. She was content for a bit, but then was doing her high pitched screaming. I think she stressed Stefan out a bit- rightly so. I was stressed too. Ryan had to pace around with her, swaddled up and giving her the pacifier for almost an hour. Then she calmed down and went to sleep. Yikes! The following night, she did the same thing when we went over to some friends' house to discuss starting a bible study. So, we are once again, playing guessing games. Is she not getting enough food in the afternoons/evenings when my supply is low? Is she just overtired? Is she allergic to something? I think she is just overtired. When we got her down for late afternoon/evening naps the last 2 nights, she was much happier.
Speaking of happy, we got her a jumper from our neighbors. She LOVES that thing. Her feet touch the ground and she just bobs around and looks at the toys- totally elated to wear herself out with all the bouncing. We are so glad to have hand-me-downs.
Coranelle has been babbling more, grabbing things more and... she rolled over last Thursday. She was on her tummy and just whipped over onto her back. She surprised both of us! She hasn't done it again, but she gets close. I have found that she rolls over in her crib when swaddled. I hear her wake up from a nap screaming and run up there to find she has rolled onto her tummy and smashed her face against the crib bars. I would scream too!
She is growing fast! She fits into all of her 3 month clothes now, so we have some great new dresses for her. She is adorable and we love her- the kicker and the shaker that she is! I hope you all had a great Labor Day!

Happy 3 months!

Coranelle is 3 months old today! When I look at pictures of the day she was born, compared to today, it baffles me how much she has grown and changed! She is now grabbing objects and shoving them into her mouth. She has all sorts of different facial expressions- curious, excited, shy, happy, pouty, scared, surprised, disappointed and flirty. She studies my face in the sweetest way. She'll be nursing and suddenly pull away to flash me a smile. At times, she holds her hand up and explores my chin and cheeks with her little fingers. She likes to stand up (with my support). She seems really observant now. Yesterday, I took her to meet another baby girl- just 5 days older than she is. We met up with the mom and Grandma as well. After Coranelle melted down and took a little power nap, she actually seemed interested in the other baby (Leah). She was touching her and watching her. Very cool! It will be fun when she is older and the babies can actually play. I have just begun reading to Coranelle. It works best between 10-12 when she is content and not yet overstimulated. On Monday, I read her 5 books in a row and she was very pleased to sit on my lap and study the pictures and listen. With her cloth books, she grabbed the pages after watching me do it. If I moved the book for her, she could turn the pages! I absolutely LOVE getting to read with kids, so this has made my week. AND.... I found this whole, wonderful section of bilingual kids books at Target the other day. Books about about colors, animals, textures and even famous nursery rhymes. I was so thrilled, I bought her The Ginger Bread Man (El Hombre de Pan Jenibre). They are so great because they have all sorts of Spanish vocab that Coranelle can learn alongside English words, and I would learn too. My vocab base is not large enough to encompass textures and nursery rhyme words. So... if you are ever feeling the urge to shop for Coranelle, keep these little bilingual books in mind! ;-)
Other news in the Mork household:
Ryan went backpacking this last weekend for a friend's bachelor party and really enjoyed it. He had never been before and was excited. He proudly came home and announced that he had pooped in the woods for the first time ever! So cute! I spent the day with my mom, Steve and Amanda. I enjoyed being with them! Coranelle got a bit overtired Saturday night and Sunday night and screamed for hours straight. Whew! We have got to figure out how to detect the melt downs and get her to take a nap before the screaming hits. Sunday, Ryan was home from his trip and she screamed for 2 hours straight. We tried swaddling, rocking, going outside, pacifier, letting her cry it out ( 45 minutes was enough of that), all different postions, etc. etc. Finally, Ryan suggested the swing (which she hates). We put her in it, and "presto" she was out! Once again, just when you think you have your baby figured out, they change. I am thinking that I need to start putting her down to bed earlier. She just seems so tuckered out by about 7:30 (or earlier). Yet, I am torn. Do I try to get in that extra 6th feeding like the doctor suggested because of her low weight, or put her down to bed? Which is more important? Feeding or sleeping? Ahhh, the things I worry and obsess over these days!

I know that I am not the only new mom that feels anxious, nervous, worried, tired, inadequate, etc. This week, I met two other mothers that seem to be in a similar position. We spend our days with our babies, therefore, we spend every moment worrying about whether or not they are gaining weight at the correct rate, eating enough, sleeping enough, too hot, too cold, etc. We compare them to other babies of similar ages and worry that they are not rolling over yet, not pooping enough, not spending enough time on their tummies and on and on and on and on and on. And on. I truly think that moms today are bombarded with SO much information on what you, as a parent should be doing and what your baby should be doing, that it is hard to just enjoy your child. The fact that we can weigh our babies every week- that is not helpful! Yesterday, I encountered a mom at our breastfeeding group who broke out sobbing because her son had only gained an ounce in the past week. She was desperately asking me about Coranelle and her eating habits- how often? how much? when do I pump? how long does she feed on each side? etc. etc. The thing is, every baby is different and grows at a different rate. Our moms didn't weigh us weekly and panic of another baby gained 5 ounces and we only gained 1 ounce. Our society seems so centered around competition that we are now competing with our babies. Whose is the first to crawl? Eat solids? Laugh? Coo? I have realized this week that I am done reading the articles and websites on what they should be doing. I am done comparing her weight to others. I am going to go with my instincts about what she needs and start enjoying my baby and being a mom. She'll learn to walk. They all do. I have never seen a 5 year old enter Kindergarten crawling. Babies are individuals and it wouldn't be fun if they were all the same!
I have also learned this week a bit about myself. I mentioned in a previous blog that I was struggling a bit with feelings of lonliness and isolation and feeling hurt that I didn't have friends or family that were checking in on me as I hoped. I talked with my mom and future sister in law about this recently. My mom reminded me that Ryan and I are paving the way in this process. Therefore, no one else knows what it is like to be new parents. They don't realize the worries, the exhaustion, the frustration, the scariness, or the resonsibility of it all. How could they, and further, how could I expect them to? I can only use this experience to ensure that I reach out to others when they experience the joys and challenges of a newborn.
Rachael met me at Target on Monday to help me shop and keep me company. She was great in being willing to push the cart, calm a screaming Coranelle and sit with me in the Target parking lot and chat. When I told her about feeling a bit isolated and lonely, she truthfully reminded me about something. When people on the outside look in, Ryan and I have it all. We are married, we have a house, we have a baby, and I get to stay home. What could possibly be wrong? And she is so right! I am truly blessed! And of course that is what people think. We have the American dream. Right? Well... right. But, when we assume (as Ryan says) we make an ass out of u and me. Blunt, I know. Just because we have all of those things, doesn't mean that our hearts aren't hurting or heavy about something. And, I don't say that to accuse others of not realizing that things aren't still hard in our lives. I say that because I have been the one on the outside, looking in to many other peoples' lives. Hey, they have money, nice cars, multiple houses, nice clothes- what could they possibly complain about? That's not the right attitude and I know I am guilty of thinking that way. Everyone, everywhere has there own set of hardships, their own worries and heaviness. I cannot look in and judge or assume anything about their joy, struggles or challenges. Not until I have lived in their shoes. I want to be more aware of those feelings and assumptions. If people had not assumed that I was perfectly fine and feeling wonderful about every moment being a mom, I might have had a few more ears to listen or a few more hands to help out. So, two things come from that... I need to make sure I am not assuming things about my friends and family- but rather really asking to see how they are doing and what I can do to help. Secondly, I cannot be so prideful as to think I can do this all on my own. I need to humble myself enough to admit that I am having a hard time, or had a hard day and that I need help. It's a hard thing for me to do. I am used to being independent and doing things on my own. You can't do that with a child. It would be harmful to the child and to you.
A few last things; we are getting our big, awesome tree cut out of our yard tomorrow. It has died in the last few weeks of wet rot and it has to come down. It makes me sad, because it was some nice shade in our yard- AND it will cost us hundreds. Yikes, being a homeowner!
We are also working on starting to build a patio in our backyard. Finally, as of Monday, Coranelle has a college account! Even though we have started saving this early, college expenses could cost $178,000 by the time Coranelle is 18. How is that even possible?! How are we adults that have to worry about college accounts and wills? Wow!
Thanks for reading my rambling. Happy 3 months Coranelle! We love you buckets!

precious gift

rDoesn't she look adorable?!

That's Coranelle- our precious gift. I had a dear friend recently miscarry for the second time, and it just breaks my heart. I cannot possibly fathom the pain she is going through. I can't help but tearfully ask the Lord what He is doing. Why can't this woman, who longs for a child and would be such a wonderful mother, have a baby? When, many women and teenagers get pregnant on accident and aren't looking forward to being a mom. It just seems so wrong and unfair. I love this friend and it just breaks my heart to see her go through this cycle of hope and excitement, only to be followed by despair. I wish so much that there was something I could do to help, to ease the pain. All I can do it choke back tears and stare in awe at my baby, so thankful. I cannot take her for granted. She is currently grabbing and batting at her hanging animals, kicking her feet in excitement. Even if she screams bloody murder through our stroller class today- she is a beautiful, healthy, wonderful, precious gift and I am so thankful. I just keep praying that SOON, my friend receives this gift too. She SO deserves it.

Coranelle and I have been out meeting more mommies this week. We joined a Mom's club in Broomfield with 2 of the other yoga moms. This group of moms has 2 year olds and then some have newborns as well. It is fun to join them at parks and watch the kids play and chat with the other moms. I also went to the mom's group through our church this week and loved the chance to talk with 3 other moms about families, life, our previous lives and jobs, etc. A refreshing group of support.

Speaking of support, my two moms have been so wonderfully supportive! I cannot thank them enough for the love they have showed me as I transition into this new phase of motherhood. It is not an easy change, and my postpartum emotions seem to still be crazy. My closest girlfriends from college are in Texas, California, and Boston. My girlfriends from HS have been very interested and supportive, but live in Aspen and North Carolina. So, I have not had them around to check in on me and see how I'm coping. I realized last night that it has been hard that friends and sisters here have not showed me the care and interest that I may have needed. I think I have struggled with the transition and trying to figure out how to care for a fussy newborn more than I had imagined. But, my moms have been phenomenal! They have come to relieve me for a few hours so I can go shop- they have walked with me and listened to all of my concerns and wonderings about Coranelle's screaming spells. They have rejoiced with me when she smiles, sits up, laughs, or makes little changes. They have listened to me cry when I miss a doctors appointment or go to a party on the wrong day. They have comforted me when I sob to them about Coranelle's melt downs. They have loved me despite my emotion and confusion and insecurity. I just am so thankful that I have them to call up, whenever... to vent or rejoice or ask them questions. Thanks Mom and Heido for being there for me and putting up with me these past few months. I don't know what I would do without you! I also know that this has reminded me/taught me that when my friends and family have kids, that I need to make sure and be very intentional about being supportive and checking in to see how they are handling things and how they are feeling and what I can do to help them out. Without support, being a new mom can be lonely, scary and often somewhat isolating.

This past weekend, Ryan went and got an adapter so that we can put the carseat in the jog stroller. So, now we can take Coranelle for runs. This past week, I ran with her 4 times, twice with Ryan. I am super sore and out of shape for running, but it feels great to run again. She seems to be a bit more content in this stroller too, which is awesome. I love getting to run with Ryan now and again. Ryan has been enjoying coming home to Coranelle and playing with her and seeing her change and grow! He is the greatest dad and husband ever! I am so very lucky to have him! And I am so lucky to be taking care of Coranelle right now, rather than heading back to school. We did go visit my school and my old co-workers this week. I cannot imagine heading back right now. They had a work day on Monday and then back to school night that evening. So, my first day back (if I had gone back) would have meant leaving broomfield at 7am and returning around 10pm! It would have made me SO sad to leave Coranelle for that long. My class this year would have been 29 students! That is overwhelming considering most of them would have been miles below grade level. Last year I had 17 students and it was completely insane to try to get them up to grade level by March testing. All to say, I just love that I can be a mommy right now. My heart swells with love and adoration for Ryan and Coranelle and our lovely little family.

I have to go, Coranelle is bored with her cow and we need to try to get ready for our stroller class. Have a wonderful weekend.

For those of you prayer warriors out there, please keep my friend in your prayers as well as my dad- who is currently getting some additional testing done before he starts his rounds of Chemo, hormonal treatment and radiation. Thanks!

venting

Our child who loves the outdoors. This was our hike this past weekend up to Lost Lake with some friends of ours. Coranelle did great!

This is a picture of Coranelle praying- I'd like to think she is praying for me- her mommy! I think I need a little prayer!


Warning- this is not a cheerful, happy blog... but I am being honest. If you want positive, you might want to skip reading this. If you want real, scroll down.

You have good days, and you have bad days- as a parent, as a teacher, as a wife, as a student, as a human. Today is one of those bad days as a parent. Coranelle has been awake and crying (unless she is eating) since 10:20 and it is now 2:20pm. I know, she used to cry longer when she was a newborn, but I truly thought that we had moved past that stage. I am going crazy trying to get her to sleep, which is so clearly what she needs. She went for a walk with me this morning and one of my former HS girls that I worked with through First Pres. She did fine, so long as she was in the baby bjorn and we were moving. As soon as we stopped, she lost it. Then, I fed her and tried to take her to visit Grams at school to see some of the teachers I knew from student teaching. Coranelle melted down immediately after going into the school and continued to fuss and cry the whole time we were there. I think every teacher in the school knew that we were there. When I tried to hand her over to Heido, she just got more upset. What is that about? Do babies have "stranger anxiety" at 3 months? And Heidi is NOT a stranger. Anyhow, we came home and she cried all the way home. I decided to feed her earlier than the 3 hours that is typical and she finished and immediately started screaming. She was so upset, she wouldn't take the pacifier or settle into a nap, whether I rocked her, bounced her or let her watch her mobile.
Now, my blood pressure must be up sky- high and I feel like I pulled an all-nighter or something. And what is so perplexing is that yesterday- during the day- she was great. My mom came out and we walked with her (in the stroller) and she fell asleep. After she ate, we played with her for quite a while and got lots of smiles. Then, after a nap, she and I drove to see Ryan and brought him coffee and zuchinni brownies and she met some of his co-workers. She did great and never fussed. I thought maybe we had hit a turning point, until about 5pm when Ryan came home and she refused to take a nap- despite being so exhausted. So, we held our breath and let her cry herself to sleep- only to have her wake up 15 minutes later- hungry. Geez!
I have to wonder, is her fowl mood today because I messed up her schedule to meet a friend? If so, how will I ever get out to see people? We cannot stay at home for all of her naps- or.... if we did, I would go crazy. For example, tomorrow there is the mom-and-me stroller class at the gym. Do I take the chance and go, despite the fact that it is likely that she'll scream bloody murder the whole time. Or, do I stay home and not get to see any of my other mom friends and their May babies.
I was reading my friend Heidi's blog about her first son and his behavior and it was amazing how similar her son was to Coranelle. I feel as if someone was writing about my child. She had one post about taking her son to the doctor and having to shout over the baby's cries to the doctor. Check- been there, done that. So many things about her son are so much like Coranelle- the overstimulation, the overtiredness, trying everything to battle the child's fight against the much needed sleep. She said her son's turning point was 6 months. Can I do this that long? Oh, it can be so hard. I desperately try not to compare my child to other children, but it is extremely difficult to see and hear about these easy going babies, and then watch mine melt down if I stop bouncing her for half a second. I am weary of being afraid to take her places to avoid her meltdowns. We have yet to take her to a restaurant with us because she will not sit in her car seat for a minute without crying unless it is in the moving car. I get anxious to take her to get togethers, weddings, events, etc. I cannot seem to get a full conversation in with anyone because I am constantly switching positions to soothe her. It makes me feel lonely when I walk and talk with other new moms and they push their babies- peacefully sleeping and perfectly capable to keep their pacifiers in their mouths. I knew parenting would be hard, but really, I didn't expect it to be this hard. I never imagined so much crying or so much exhaustion and frustration. And it cannot go on forever- I realize that. She'll have to get over this and allow me to take her into the grocery store without screaming. Eventually... right? Because the current- put her in the baby bjorn and try to shop while holding her pacifier in her mouth with one hand and push the cart, grab items and pay with the other, gets a little stressful.
Let me reassure you, I love Coranelle with my whole heart. I am so thankful and blessed that she is healthy. I know that there are people who are dealing with a lot worse things in their lives than a fussy child. Early this morning, I was watching her with love and devotion as she happily batted at her cow and ladybug on her playmat- hugely impressed by her coordination and how she is growing up. I am really trying to do the best I can to keep her on a schedule and still spend time with and the rest of my family and friends. I am trying my best to relax and be patient so that she doesn't feed off of my anxiety or stress. But, am I even in the right ballfield? I know there is no manual for your child, and now I have infinite respect for our parents and what they went through raising us. I sit here in tears thinking about how much I love my daughter and how I SO want her to be happy. I feel inadequate as her mom, as a wife, daughter and friend. But, these are the times when I have to accept my weakness and let the Lord be strong. I know He is here in my weeping and my hurting. I know that along with the bad days, there are many good days. Coranelle is finally sleeping (for the moment) and I can only pray that she wakes up with her beautiful smile!